Here - Where I want to be

Life jumps at you from a different angle every day. You finally get used to things one way, and then the path curves. Sometimes, the curves are so gentle, you don't even realize where you've gotten to. But as long as you know it's the same path you started out on, the same one you want to be on, you're happy.

I am a dreamer. I always have been. This is not to be confused with a visionary... I leave that up to my mom. But I have always had my ideals, my hopes, my dreams for "someday". Somehow, in the past year or so, Someday has finally arrived. After years of hoping, I found my Prince Charming. Many thought my ideals too high - my dreams of a "fairy-tale" unrealistic. But I kept waiting. Many times I felt I had "found him" - I didn't realize that he was supposed to find me. I just had to be where I needed to be.

So, dream number one became reality. I had finally found my best friend, the one I had been searching for in every friendship formed since I was a child. And alongside that dream, there was another. Fulfilling in a different way. I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I loved being with children - I love watching their minds grasp something, watching them develop and learn and grow and become remarkable people in their own right. But that desire was only a shadow of the true yearning in my heart. I wanted to be a mother.

I have been blessed to be granted the second great dream of my heart. I am going to be a mother.

I don't know why it has all been so seemingly easy for me. Maybe it wasn't. Sometimes, when you reach a point along the journey, you look back and think, "That wasn't so hard." But while you wallowed through the mires of despair, and tried to climb the cliffs of discouragement, that distant point on the horizon was only a whisper of hope - a whisper of a possible "Someday". I remember plenty of times of heartache and sorrow, frustration and discouragement. But all along the way, I have been watched over, guided, and encouraged. There has been a flame of faith burning in my heart - faith that my Heavenly Father knew my deepest desires and would somehow, someday, make them a reality. I was impatient. I wanted things my way, when I wanted them, immediate. His ways are not our ways. And I fully admit now that His timing is ultimately better than my limited perceptions could have ever achieved.

I am about 6 weeks along in my pregnancy. I am due at the end of June, 2010. That gives me a month after school lets out for the summer to just rest and relax. Well, as much resting and relaxing as will be possible when 8 months pregnant.

In the words of another of my favorite songs, I feel that the Lord has led me to this point in my life, even though I didn't notice all the signs along the way.

There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out

I know now that the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find

I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you...

Then I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me
Here

"Here" by Rascal Flatts

All I really need is a song in my heart...

It's amazing how you lose good habits when you forget about them for a short while. I used to be a champion journal writer, including updating my blog, etc., and for the past year I've struggled to keep them going. Maybe it's just because life hit, hard and fast. I lost the habit, and am still trying to get it back.

Any rate, life is cruising along right now. I'm enjoying life as a newlywed with an incredible husband. A couple months ago, a friend of ours, Amberlee Eddington Hildebrand, did a photo shoot with us up at Vivian Park in Provo Canyon. I'd forgotten all about it until she downloaded some of the shots onto Facebook.

Copyright Mariposa Photography LLC

We kissed across the tracks. The zoom was apparently going funky, and the shot turned out really cool. When I saw it, I felt like I was looking at a poem, so I attempted to sum it up in a few words (never easy, but I enjoy trying.)

True love can be a little dizzying,
Yet the focus
centers on the two
becoming one.
The world disappears into the distance
as two hearts
cross the space between them.
Time runs into the future
creating a moment
that only they can see.

So, basically, life is going well. Erik and I are getting used to each other. Recently, in an institute class, our teacher read a quote from Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley. She said something to the effect of after 66 years of marriage to President Hinckley, she was "beginning" to get used to him. So I guess the fact that Erik and I are still getting used to the idea of having someone else around constantly, of learning how to communicate, and just becoming accustomed to marriage and the other person, is perfectly normal.

Erik is an absolute sweetheart. He recently received his work permit (last week), so he's been job hunting. Hopefully, starting in January, he'll be going to the BYU English Language Center. It's an intensive, semester long program that will not only help him with his English, but prepare him to continue his education in English. We're still waiting for notice of his acceptance to the program, but I'm confident he'll get in. During his time at home, while I'm at work, he's learning empathy for all the household chores that will be my lot eventually. He's an excellent cook, and helps me so much. We've had some rocky moments in the past few months, but we've weathered them together. Even when I start to doubt myself, or even him, I know without a doubt that I did the right thing in marrying him. And I love him so much, more than I realized was possible with all my crushes and relationships over the years. I guess by the time we've been married 66 years, I'll find I love him even more... He's a wonderful example of being childlike - especially when he's around kids. I can't help but smile the times I would take him to school with me. I would look over to hush a group of chatty students, and there's Erik in the middle, teaching them Spanish, them teaching him English.

Copyright Mariposa Photography LLC

If you weren't aware (and I'm not sure I wrote about it yet since I haven't been doing so well keeping up this blog), I'm a Spanish teacher at Renaissance Academy. This year, I teach 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 6th grades. It's a running joke in our department that to be a language teacher you either have to be a redhead or teach Chinese. All 3 Spanish teachers are pelirrojas, as well as our only Arabic teacher (yup, we teach Arabic too!). The two Chinese teachers are the only exceptions. It's a great program, still working out the kinks since the school has only been in existence for 3 years (this is it's 4th year). I have great coworkers, have learned a lot, and have some crazy, zany, wonderful, energetic, super-intelligent students that never cease to surprise me. I'm sure it helps that I can be just as crazy, zany and kooky as the best of them. That's half the fun!

Copyright Mariposa Photography LLC

I loved this shot. Seriously, if I were a bit darker skin tone wise, I would be nearly invisible! Somewhere, my mom has a picture of me when I was about 2 years old. I was sitting on a burgundy floral couch, wearing a dress with almost the same pattern, rummaging through my mom's matching purse, with auburn hair the same color scheme as the couch. She says she was looking all over for me, and overlooked me sitting on the couch a couple times. Natural camouflage! Así es la vida.

Copyright Mariposa Photography LLC

All in all, I have a handsome hunk for a husband, a challenging, cool job, my share of trials and rollercoaster moments, faith in God, a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family. What else could I possibly need?

Prayer... the pathway from despair and stress to beauty and life blessed

Usually, I start writing by coming up with an appropriate title for my feelings and happenings and then expounding from there. That's proving to be a little difficult at the moment. There is no way to sum up what I'm holding inside my heart right now.
Last Saturday we got back from a wonderful week of vacation in Orlando, Florida with my family. It wasn't quite a honeymoon, seeing as there were all kinds of other people with us, but we had our own little room with a tub and a porch, and plenty of "us" time. My hair went a little nutty with the humidity, but behaved well for the most part under a hat.
Coming back to Utah was a severe jolt back to reality. Before Florida, we had spent a crazy first week of my summer vacation getting organized and going nuts. Sunday morning started off right where we'd left our insane life. Exhausted due to our flight from Florida being delayed on the ground for an our at the Orlando airport and consequently our arriving home and getting to bed rather late, I was in a daze most of the time at Church. I attended Young Women's, supposedly to make some announcements about camp (which I'm in charge of and feel very inadequate for), and spent the rest of the afternoon with my head spinning, trying to figure everything out. Nap time was interrupted no less than three times by people looking for someone else, the Relief Society presidency dropping by to say hi, and my Visiting Teachers coming over for the first time. Over the past few days, it's basically been go go go, trying to unpack, get immunizations so we can finish up Erik's residency paperwork and send it off, with a million and a half hang ups and bang ups along the way.
Yesterday I started stressing out as soon as I got up - maybe I should have stayed in bed a little longer... But even after a very trying day for the both of us, things smoothed out. I willingly give all the credit to my Father in Heaven. I got to the point yesterday where, tears constantly threatening to overflow, I told my Heavenly Father I just couldn't handle it all. Both Erik and I were stressed, him mostly because he hates to see my hurting, and I just wanted to implode.
So we did what we needed to. Took care of the most pressing matters for the time being, put the rest away for now, ate a good dinner (thank goodness for crockpots!), and curled up together with a wonderful movie. I bawled, more than I did the first time I saw it (The Notebook), which was a much needed cleansing. And somehow, through it all, I came to see my husband in a whole new light, as well as myself and our relationship. Hope filtered back into my soul like rays of sun through a dense cloudbank. The problems haven't gone away. I still have a Girl's Camp to get through in two weeks, a bunch of legal paperwork to organize and mail with a check for $1010, curriculum to plan, a house to clean and organize... But somehow, with God's help, and the tender, patient, enduring love of a wonderful man, I'm calm.
The Lord answers prayers, and he answers them perfectly. He knows how much we can handle, and helps us stretch beyond our limits. My life is far from perfect and picturesque. But it is beautiful and blessings abound. I think I've figured out a title for this post now.

Summertime, summertime, sum... sum... summertime!

It's here! Now don't get me wrong. I love teaching and I love my job. But in my book, one of the biggest perks about being a teacher is the fact that you still get a summer vacation. And thanks to a 12 month salary division, I still get paid all summer long! So I'm hoping that with a little more free time, I can keep this blog up to date. So here's the news. (Oh, and I finally posted something I wrote back in March after Erik arrived... look for it in the archives).

Yes, we're still (happily) married.


A couple weeks ago we hit two months. He's been here for almost 3. I can hardly remember what it was like to be without him. It's still an adjustment. I haven't lived under the same roof as a male since I was 16, so I've gotten a little out of practice. But it's all worth it. I'm learning how to stop being the bossy older sister (at least, with Erik - to my siblings, I will always be thus), encourage and ask, rather than command and demand. We're making it though. Since we didn't get the opportunity to spend much time together before getting married, we're still learning about each other's quirks. Most of the time, I just smile. And even the times that I don't, we still stay close. With a beautiful mountain vista seen from our front porch, we can draw on the strength of the Lord to talk through our moments of difficulty and come to a better understanding of one another. We have no secrets. I have seen him turn his soul inside out for me. And every heartrending fact of his past or mine gives us a chance to come closer together. I wanted my fairy tale, and I got it. It's happy, beautiful, wonderful and magical - and difficult. I wouldn't trade it for anything. The Lord has blessed me with an absolutely incredible man. How can I complain?

On a technical note, we're still trying to get all the paperwork worked out so Erik can get a job, but he still keeps busy. He's been taking a local adult English class in the mornings three days a week, and has now started another course through UVU in the evenings. Recently, he was called as a Gospel Principles Sunday School teacher. I, on the other hand, get to hang out with the Young Women as the Ward Camp Director. To put it bluntly, I'm terrified. I love Girl's Camp, and am excited to get to know the girls, but I have no clue what to do... at least, I feel I don't. I remember having totally amazing camp leaders, such as Sharon Evans in Fountain Green, who make me look back with a smile. No, I don't have to "compete" in the sense that I have to do better than they did with all their experience, but I want these girls to really enjoy camp.

I've realized lately that my personal testimony isn't quite where it should be. It's kind of like what happens oftentimes after a mission. You come off a spiritual high and find yourself in a slouch. During our separation, Erik and I were praying deeply, fasting often, and doing what we could to stay strong and fend off feelings of depression and discouragement. Now that our miracles have happened, I feel that I for one have lost a bit of footing. Not to say I'm not grateful, but without something so cut and dried to be fighting for, it's harder to fight. Yet realization is half the battle, right? My goal this summer is to get my personal praying and scripture reading habits back to where they should be. As a couple, we do fairly well at keeping on top of praying and reading together. Erik is wonderful at remembering. Yet it almost seems halfhearted if I don't add in my own time.

So, with the beautiful sunny weather, rainstorms perfect for dancing in, and cool breezes through the window at night, I'm feeling motivated to get moving. In the short period of 2 months (between the end of January and the end of March), I started a new career, moved (again - having moved a month earlier), got my fiance here from another country, and got married. That's at least 3 life altering changes (some bigger than others) in a very short span of time. I still haven't quite caught up. Our extra room is still littered with boxes, and I seriously need to organize my files (which are extending into every room with small piles of paper here and there). I've got thank you cards that still need writing, books that need reading, books that need organizing in our library, a car that needs selling, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. So, I'll get done what I can in the next few days, take a breather in Florida with my family for a week, and then get back to work, building a life and a future. But with everything we've got going for us, that future looks bright indeed. We didn't pick an easy path. There are times I've wondered if I'm insane to have married someone from another country, culture and language. Marriage is hard enough without adding in so many additional stresses like the fact that he's still learning English, can't get a job just yet, still has years of schooling ahead of him, etc. But this is our refiner's fire. Our love and our marriage is growing through the flames, becoming more than I would have ever dreamt possible. The lessons we are learning will mold out future, our posterity, and our eternities. Trust in the Lord, and He truly will direct thy paths to the best possible outcome.

And They Lived Happily Ever After (or at least, they're working on it)

I know, it's totally cliche, but it's the way you wrap up a fairy tale story. Only this one isn't actually ending. That's the fun part about living a fairy tale in real life. You don't have to wait around for the sequel to figure out what happens after the prince and princess after the wedding. Oh wait, I forgot, I haven't written up that part of the story yet!

So, here we are, our big day. Basically, I guess you could say we eloped to the temple, as much as you can elope when you have to have an appointment, signatures from your bishop and stake president, and at least two witnesses. So, besides a few close friends, the only ones there were family (and that includes my "other family"). As you can see, Erik made it to the States. After our setback, he went back to Zihuatanejo, redid all his paperwork, got the bureaucratic runaround while trying to recoup his passport in Acapulco, and was finally able to try again. After I spent the entire week waking up with my stomach in knots and my stomach acid trying to bore through my lining, he showed up on Saturday evening, the 7th. It had been exactly 7 months and one day since we had last seen one another in person. And we picked up right where we left off.


During the following two weeks, we ran around like nuts, trying to get things done. Erik arrived just in time for one more nice wet snowstorm. And we spent a nice Saturday in Logan with my good friends, roommates and a sled and snowmobile.



Evenings were rough, with one or the other of us staying with my wonderful married friends in Springville, which was a blessing to have as an option, but at the same time, we just wanted to stick around together! We had so much to talk about (even though we talked almost every night for the past 7 months). So, due to complications with his mom's passport, we decided to go ahead with our originally set temple date and not wait for her. Basically, I figured that it would take another month or two for her to get here, and with my Spring Break in a few weeks, I felt us having a whole week alone together without me working would not be a very safe or wise idea if we weren't married. So, off we went to the temple (good thing I got my dress in November!).

And now, after a week of being married, I have come to the realization that it was not only the smartest thing I've ever done in my life, but the happiest. I have married an absolutely wonderful man who truly cares about me, tries to make me happy (and succeeds), is my best friend, my lover, my eternal companion, my confidante, and my dream come true.

For so many years, I daydreamed. I read romance books and watched sappy movies, always waiting for my own fairy tale. There were plenty who scoffed and told me that "love at first sight" and all that doesn't happen in real life. According to the leaders of the Church, almost any good man and good woman can make a happy marriage of it if they are willing. I believed that, but I wanted that that fire and passion, that spark that seems to hit you every time you read one of those stories. And although I made friends with and met many good men, none could capture my heart and I theirs at the same time... until one beautiful summer day in a faraway land... So, FYI, for all you doubters out there, fairy tales are real. And ladies, someday, your prince WILL come. Make sure you're the princess he's looking for and voila! A match made in heaven! The secret is to trust in God, live for your dreams, believe, have faith (yes, there's a difference), and never, never, never give up hope. And the happily ever after part? It's there. We're still working toward it, together. And that's the best part.

How He Got Here - The Lost Pages

(Oops! Started writing this a few months ago, and didn't realize I'd never published it. So here you go, the Lost Pages of the Erik and Corinna Saga)

I've never felt so stressed and worried, nor so safe and content in such a short span of time. Last week I woke up every morning with my stomach acid churning, fretting over the possibilities of what might happen that day. Monday, Erik was able to get his replacement passport (after spending an exhausting few days going back and forth to Acapulco in slow buses). Tuesday we redid some of the paperwork (since it needed his passport number), and he printed everything off that he would need for his interview. We were able to find airfare leaving the next afternoon for him to travel to Ciudad Juarez. This was when my nerves started going haywire.

Wednesday evening he arrived in Ciudad Juarez which is currently one of the most dangerous cities on earth these days. Gratefully, the bishop of the Spanish ward has connections with a member in El Paso, right across the border, who picked Erik up at the airport, got him a place to stay, and helped him get around safely. However, I wasn't easy while he was there. He had to get a medical exam, then get to his interview, all without losing any of his paperwork. My generous grandmother helped me wire him some extra cash on Thursday morning when fees and costs ended up being more than we had expected (inflation is not my friend).

Friday morning, he was able to call me with news of a miracle. His visa had been approved! We didn't use a lawyer to help us through the process. Basically, I looked for information on the internet, and prayed. The fact that Erik has never tried to come to the U.S. before was highly in his favor. But the visa approbation news was bittersweet. We discovered that they had changed the process for how he would actually receive the visa permit. He had to receive some packet of something from DHL - and it could arrive any time between Friday evening and Monday morning. Saturday morning, another miracle occurred. The packet had arrived! And we were also able to use our travel voucher to purchase airfare for that same evening.

All day Saturday I walked around in a bit of a daze. It had been almost exactly 7 months (1 day over) since we had seen each other. When I got to the airport that evening, I still wasn't completely sure I'd see Erik. So many things could have gone wrong: missed flights, not getting across the border, getting robbed again. Yet the Lord had us in hand. If I didn't know we were supposed to be together (because of fasting and prayer), I would know it now through seeing so many miracles and help in our journey to make it. We still have a long road ahead of us. We're both aware that married life, in and of itself, is accompanied by many challenges. Challenges which will be compounded by our different cultural backgrounds, languages, and basically, just who we are. But we're determined to make things work.


Over the past few days, we've spent ample time talking. Whereas many friends and family expressed the opinion that this would be a chance for us to "get to know each other" again, what many don't realize is that we are in no way strangers. Over the past 7 months of separation, we've passed less than 10 days without talking. Most every evening we had lengthy phone conversations. We are both very passionate people physically. Holding hands is a conversation in and of itself. Yet over our long separation, we learned to build our communication skills verbally. Our relationship grew immensely during that time. But somehow, the being together, in the same airspace, touching, helps us grow so much more. I don't regret the time apart. It was a part of our relationship. But nothing compares to the peace and joy I feel in his arms and by his side.

Setbacks and Faith

I'm still a little in shock, so this will be short. I figured this was a simpler way to let people know what's going on and ask for some extra prayers. The short of it is that Erik got mugged this morning on his way from Cuernavaca to Mexico City. All I have so far is an email from him, and as far as I can tell, all his stuff was stolen. So, we'll have to start over - passport, printing off papers, etc. However, the most important thing is he's okay. He's scratched and bruised, but sounds more positive and hopeful than I feel. I don't feel this has shaken my faith in the Lord, just deepened my conviction that what Erik and I are doing is right, and the adversary will do all he can to keep us apart. So, I ask for your prayers for both of us in getting all this resolved. As far as the wedding is concerned, we're going to keep it planned for the 21st of March... Sorry, I know it's been a few weeks since an update. I'll have to fill in the details a bit more later. But unless it looks like he won't be able to get here by then, we'll keep the temple appointment where it is. The Lord knows us and He knows what he's doing, so we'll try to keep hopeful and faithful.

At Home Again

The past month has been an adventure. I have made new friends, and had new experiences, and started to make my way in the world. This weekend I came up to Logan, mainly to visit, but also to grab a few more things I'd left behind (so that I can start moving into my new apartment this week!). After a month of attending church where I felt like just another face in the crowd, of not feeling like I'm really a part of the ward, to come back to the Logan University 48th ward was wonderful. Not only did I recognize people as I walked into Sacrament (although there were quite a few unfamiliar faces as well... life keeps on changing), but I felt an outpouring of love and friendship as I haven't felt lately. I understand that the ward I've been attending in Provo isn't quite sure what to do with me or what to think of me, and they're doing their best. But I'm just a long-term visitor. Due to moving around so much when I was younger, I never really had a "home ward" to go "home" to. I'm still recognized in the Fountain Green first ward, but it still isn't "home". Today, I discovered that I have some semblance of a home ward. After Relief Society, as I greeted different sisters and we caught up on one another's lives, other sisters would come up and enthusiastically greet and hug me. I've always supposed I could do fine when I'm blending into the background. It's not quite true. No, just because I'm not quite sure where in Utah County I should be attending church right now, I'm not going to go less active. The Church is still true wherever you go. But that whole line about the Church being the same... I think it needs some redefining. The Church, in the sense of the gospel message it shares, in the sense of eternal truths, is the same no matter where you are. The organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints remains the same. However, it's not quite the same experience wherever you go. Some wards and branches are more welcoming to newcomers, some are more tightly knit between those who are members. In some, there is an immediate line to bear testimonies as soon as the bishopric sits down, in others, there are long pauses where everyone is lost in thought.
So, I want to thank my dear friends and "ward family" of the 48th ward for loving me, for letting me still be one of you. I know I am currently where I should be (living and working in Utah County), but it's nice to have a home to come home to. "Home is where the heart is." Much of my heart currently resides in Mexico, and I will not be able to feel completely at home and at peace until that home is established here. But I have left much of my heart here in Logan as well, my home for 3 years. I thank the Lord for friends, for the beauty of the gospel, and for the organization of the Church. And I thank him for each one of you who has touched my life at some time along the way and made me better for it.

Onward, Ever Onward

I got to give a talk in Sacrament yesterday. I spoke about hope and how it has not only helped me in my life, but how it is a necessary part of our earthly existence.
As many of you can relate to, the single life has it's heartaches. There were many times after my mission that I wondered if I would ever find "Mr. Right". There were moments when I was downright discouraged or depressed. But I kept trying to keep hope. After all, in 2 Nephi 31, we are able to see that having hope is basically a commandment. There's a reason this blog is entitled "eternal optimist". I not only hoped that someday I would find my eternal companion, but that hope led to faith in God answering that prayer of my heart. As most of you know, that dream became a realization this past summer. However, I'm still pressing forward with a "brightness of hope". I'm still working on the "perfect brightness" part. But I know that discouragement and despair are tools of the adversary. The gospel of Jesus Christ is beauty and truth, if we will but live it.
So, over the past month, although there have been dark moments, times when I wondered it life would ever really make sense again, the Lord has been my light in guiding me forward one step at a time. In two weeks I'll be moving into my own apartment. It's a nice 2 bedroom place for a very reasonable sum. There's a bus stop on the corner - the only route that goes past the temple and the MTC (two places Erik will probably be frequenting). Also, it's right by the freeway onramp making it quicker for me to get to work. Oh, did I forget to mention work? I am not only an officially licensed teacher, but I have a full time job. I am working at the Renaissance Academy, a newer charter school in Lehi. I am one of 3 Spanish teachers, and I teach 4th, 6th, and 7th graders. I work with some absolutely charming women who have become quick friends. It's a little different than what I expected... I have an ESL (English as a Second Language) endorsement, and have taught English, but I had never taught Spanish before. It's been a bit of a challenge, but the Lord prepared me well. The students are great, and just as dynamic as I would expect. ;) True, someday I would like to have my own classroom, 5th grade preferably. But I have been richly blessed with this job, and it suits me quite well for the time being.
So, I am pressing forward with my life. Things are starting to fall into place. Erik and I are still waiting on visa stuff, but that too is moving along. The petition was granted and now all the paperwork is being reviewed by the Mexican consulate. Once they finish, from what I understand, they'll send Erik a packet of papers that he fills out and takes with him to his interview. Basically, once he gets those papers, it'll be a matter of a week or two for him to get here. Don't worry. As soon as we set a date I'll let ya'll know!
I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. There will still be moments when the darkness seems to push me backward, but I will rely in Him whose light never fades. My Savior is my guide, my hope is in Him.

Like Stones in a River

I know, I know. I've hardly written anything in the past few months. Life came at me fast and hard. It was a crazy semester - long, busy weeks full of working as an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher, student teaching in 5th and 3rd grade classrooms, finishing off the last class for my ESL endorsement, being Relief Society President, and missing Erik like crazy. Towards the end of the semester, things got a little crazier. I was planning on moving down to Utah County - partially for work, since there are more job openings down there, and partially because it'll be nice to already be established down there for when Erik gets here and goes to BYU. So, I had to move out of Logan, but was having no luck in finding an apartment nor a job. Earlier this week, I moved anyway. I am staying with some married friends in their extra bedroom. It's a temporary solution, but I am so grateful for amazing friends who care enough to help out. Erin and I have known each other since our freshman year at Snow College (7 years ago) and have kept in touch. So far, her and her husband Ryan have been wonderful hosts, even getting me slightly addicted to the TV series "House" which they have on DVD.
So, I'm out of Logan, but part of me stays behind. Logan has been my home for the past 3 years, almost a record for me (the current record is 4 in one neighborhood, but 3 in a specific house). I have made many good friends during these past 3 years, and will miss them. I'm glad to be able to say that I didn't take my time for granted. I feel like I spent it well. I will be excited to see where all of my Logan friends end up in the next 5 years. Life is changing, moving on, and I'm flowing along with it.
As one of my favorite EFY songs says, "Like stones in a river we are tossed and turned." The Lord uses time and trials to polish and refine us. It isn't always a pleasant process, nor an easy one, but definitely worth it. Over the past few months, I have grown in many ways. I have learned about professionalism, friendship, and long distance relationships. I have learned how much my Father in heaven loves me. I learned how blessed I am.
The past month and a half have been rather difficult. The adversary has been working overtime on the "discouragement and despair" tactic. Tears are still a regular occurence. But I'm feeling hopeful and happy again. In a Priesthood blessing I was reminded to count my blessings. Living with Erin and Ryan, although a place for now, isn't exactly what I want. I long to feather my own nest. Most of my stuff is in boxes. I just graduated from college and have no job. But I'm going to focus on accentuating the positive. The decision to marry Erik was not a difficult decision. However, our life together will not be easy. But I long to face the inevitable pains, sorrows, frustrations and challenges at his side. And together we will enjoy the ensuing laughter, peace, joy and growth.
My life may be a bit disorganized right now, but my Heavenly Father loves me and is watching over me. I have a Savior. I am loved. I am being taught, and I am growing.

Patience

So, there's this thing called patience. I feel like the Lord has been trying to teach me about it for decades. You shouldn't pray for it because all the Lord does is give you another situation where you have to learn it. He doesn't just hand it out. You have to earn it. Interestingly enough, I feel like I've finally earned some.
In Preach My Gospel, patience is defined as "the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious. It is the ability to do God's will and accept His timing. When you are patient, you hold up under pressure and are able to face adversity calmly and hopefully. Patience is related to hope and faith -- you must wait for the Lord's promised blessing to be fulfilled."
When I read that I was amazed. Over the past month or so, I have felt so calm. True, there are moments I miss Erik almost more than I can bear. But I don't feel like I have any need to complain. I know the Lord is doing all He can. It hasn't been easy to accept His timing. While I feel I'm ready to take the next step and make the commitment to be with Erik forever, the Lord in His infinite wisdom is teaching us plenty in the meantime. I am not angry with the delay - there's no reason to be. I'm not even frustrated - I know the Lord has it all in hand. Patience has been a difficult lesson to learn, and it's one that I will still continue to learn in the coming months and years. Yet I am grateful to be able to evaluate myself and see so much progress. Through Erik, the Lord has truly blessed my life in ways I never could have imagined.
The other part of patience, that it is related to hope and faith, also caught my attention today. In Preach My Gospel, hope is defined as being "an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur." As I read this during Sacrament meeting today, I felt a surge of gratitude well up inside me. I have witnessed many miracles in relation to my relationship with Erik Uriel Torres. For many, a stream of miracles may be seen as "fulfillment of the current quota" and therefore, no more miracles should be expected. Not for me! The Lord brought Erik and I together. He has promised us that, if we are faithful, all the blessing of eternity will be ours. He has given me many other specific and personal promises along the way, many of which are yet to be fulfilled. I echo the words of Nephi, son of Lehi: "Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard. Nevertheless, nothwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched [woman] that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me... Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support." (2 Nephi 4:16-20)
I trust in my God. The dearest desire of my heart is to be united for time and eternity with the man I love. And I know this blessing will come to us in the Lord's due time. I would prefer it to happen sooner rather than later, but that doesn't change anything. Lately I have gotten it into my heart and head that we might get married in December. As any of you who know anything about the visa petitioning and application process know, it would take a serious miracle. But that's okay. The prophet Moroni once asked, "Have miracles ceased?" (Moroni 7:29) He answers that "Nay; for it is by faith that miracles are wrought." The Lord has strengthened my faith. I expect a miracle. That is part of the definition of hope, believing and expecting a certain outcome will occur. If the visa doesn't come through around December, will my faith falter? No! I will continue on in patience and faith, with a brightness of hope until that beautiful day when I will kneel across from Erik at a holy altar of the temple and we shall be sealed as husband and wife forever.
During Sacrament meeting today, I was writing in my journal and doing some personal study, and not quite paying attention to the testimonies being shared. But somewhere along the way, someone said something that hit me. He was testifying of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and how any question we have can be answered therein. I decided right then and there to try it out, as I have many times before. I opened my scriptures and started reading. This is what I read:
"Wherefore, I did pour out my whole soul... and... my faith began to be unshaken in the Lord; and I prayed unto him with many long strugglings... And it came to pass that after I had prayed and abored with all diligence, the Lord said unto me: I will grant unto thee according to thy desires, because of thy faith." (Enos 1:9, 11-12)
On my whiteboard on my bedroom wall now sits the equation "Diligence + Faith = Desires of my heart". Next to it is a list of the things I have to do to be ready for the wedding, whenever it happens. I know the Lord wants Erik and I together. I don't know when, nor how. But I will strive to have sufficient faith that He might grant unto me a miracle. And when He does, I will shout praises to His name. None of this, not a single inch of this relationship and all the accompanying love and peace, would be possible if not for Jesus Christ, if not for His Atonement, and for His great love unto us. I cannot do any of this on my own. I am eternally indebted to Him, as are we all.

Pink

So, here's the update. We're still waiting. I've been keeping busy the past month and half with a crazy load of student teaching, working as a part-time adult English teacher, cleaning other people's houses on the weekends (and often forgetting to clean my own), taking my final ESL class, and trying to keep the Relief Society organized. Whew! In a way, I like being busy because it leaves less time to worry about waiting. At the same time, it does get a little overwhelming. Gratefully, every time I seem to get too caught up in everything, the Lord helps me take a step back and breathe. True, His way of doing it tends to involve my body ceasing to function correctly so that I have to slow down, but sometimes the uplift comes from a simple conversation, a song that suddenly has a deeper meaning, or a sudden spark of inexplicable hope.
In relation to my rather interesting title for this entry (any who have known me well in the past decade and a half will realize that they have never seen me wear pink - I have not worn it, to my knowledge, since I was about 10), I have changed again. I saw a cute jacket at DI last weekend, and before really realizing it's color, I had tried it on and decided to buy it. And I like it. No, I'm not going to go out and trade in all my blues, greens and browns for pink, but I have realized that I can handle the soft tones every so often. In a way, this surprises me, but at the same time, not really. I am changing every day. I am becoming more of the woman I want to be. While I am still young, and therefore, technically a young woman, I am no longer a girl. I am becoming the person I can envision keeping a home, taking care of a spouse, guiding and nurturing children. It's an amazing process and I look forward to the coming years.
As far as the US Customs and Immigration Service is concerned, it'll be at least April before Erik will get here. Yet somehow, I am convinced it will be sooner. There are many reasons why he should, at least from my point of view. He needs to work on his English in an English-speaking place so that he can get into BYU for next fall semester. Also, I would rather like to be with him. However, there are reasons for us to be apart right now as well, such as the fact that we are learning to truly communicate and speak our "other" love languages (besides physical touch). We are getting the opportunity to "catch up" on some of the courtship stage that we kind of skipped over. But like I said, even though the government says he won't get here this year, I feel otherwise - or that he'll at least be here by January. I can't explain why. I have spent a lot of time pleading for understanding on what we should be learning right now, and praying to be with the man I love. For a while, I just got frustrated when I'd start to miss him. I felt there was nothing I could do. But lately, we've realized the benefits of this time apart - we're learning to rely more on God and less on ourselves. Our individual testimonies are growing.
So, for the time being, I'm doing everything I can to be ready as soon as that letter comes saying our petition and application have been approved. I've been vacillating between staying here in Logan when I graduate, or moving to Provo. Mostly it depends on where I get a job. However, this morning, after a seminar where we had a panel made up of representatives from various Utah school districts, I felt a growing excitement and hope of getting a job in Provo in the Alpine School District. They are one of the few Utah districts that have bilingual elementary school programs. That would be my dream job - teach English-speaking kids Spanish while I'm teaching the Spanish-speaking kids English. Everyone benefits! And according to the Alpine representative, there will be job openings in December. I have lived in Logan for almost three years. That's almost a record for me. But I guess I've gotten used to moving around a lot and after a while I start to feel the need for a change. So, while I love Cache Valley, I'm ready to move on and see more of what is out there. I have no idea where I'll live in Provo, whether or not I'll be by myself or how soon Erik will be joining me. I have no clear idea of exactly when I'll move, just December sometime. And the job isn't quite secured yet (although with my qualifications, basically, as long as I get the application in, I've got a job). I am not worried. One thing I have learned through the past 6 months is how to stop worrying. It has never yet changed yesterday nor altered the course of tomorrow. My life is in good hands - His hands. And while I still pray for more hope and understanding, I know my prayers are heard. I still have moments when I miss Erik almost unbearably. At those times, I have a good little cry, talk to him if I can, and talk lots with my Heavenly Father. Not withstanding the hormonal spikes and such, I can truly say that for the past few months I have been at peace. I am happy. Life is good. There is much to learn and do, and I'm growing. I am content to some degree. There is still the desire to keep moving onward and upward, but I have no complaints. The Lord has blessed me immensely, and continues to do so. So I will keep my faith, work hard to strengthen it, and trust in my Creator. And all will be well.

Hope and Strength

It's amazing how one person can lift my spirits so completely. Well, I guess it's really two. Between the Lord and Erik, like can suddenly start looking up. I've been feeling rather overwhelmed for the past few days. Student Teaching has been a serious adjustment (my cooperating teacher and I have very, very different personalities and ideas), my one class sounds like it's going to be a lot more work than I had anticipated, Relief Society is still getting put together, and I hadn't talked to Erik since Sunday (and even then, only for a few minutes typing). I was feeling just plain pesada (direct translation: heavy; figurative translation: overwhelmed, discouraged, weighted down, and going crazy all rolled into one). Today, things changed. I've been praying for not only a better attitude, but some peace and comfort. So, at 7pm, I went to an Institute class (Institute is the name for the university-level Church Education System classes - basically, religion classes). Some of my friends think I'm crazy for adding another "optional" class on top of my already insane schedule. Now I don't have Thursday nights completely free either. For me, this class isn't optional. The title is "Preparing for an Eternal Marriage", which to some, might seem a reminder of things over which I have little control at the moment. It is, but not in a depressing way. After an hour and a half I felt a keen lightening of my load. In remembering the basic issues, and recalling the eternal perspective, I felt hope as I haven't all week.
For those of you who know me well, I am very hopeful. I was dubbed the "eternal optimist" by a friend my sophomore year of college. And I am just that. I can't stay down for long. This week has been one of the hardest for me in a long time. I've constantly been on the verge of tears, and have seriously felt like quitting and just giving up. I couldn't ever do it, but the fact that I was even considering it shows a bit of my desperation. Another "first" was that I wasn't excited to start school. I'm one of those crazies who would fake "not sick" so I wouldn't miss school. By July every summer, I'm ready to hit the books again. Not this year. I'm ready to be done.
So, Institute helped revive that spark of hope that had become dormant through the pressures of daily life. Then Erik texted me. He was online, and for the first time in almost a week, I could respond. I ran down the hill from the Institute building, anxious to connect to the internet. After talking to him with our microphones for about 45 minutes, I felt completely different than I had even hours before. He gave me strength.
The was something deeply reassuring in knowing he misses me as much as I miss him. And as he talked to me about trials and challenges, and reminded me of how much he admires me for everything I do, the tears did come - not out of pain or sorrow, but out of gratitude for the gift and blessing of such a man in my life. Gratitude for a man who, in a few simple phrases, can infuse me with more life, more hope and strength, and make me feel utterly loved. Once again, the Lord has reaffirmed my knowledge that my relationship with Erik is "according to plan". It's not some hasty romance between two lonely people. Rather, it is a divine gift, bestowed by a loving Father who understands the complexities a whole lot better than anyone involved (or not involved for that matter) can possibly comprehend.
In summary, after 4 days of gloom and shadow, the Lord has healed my aching heart and given me enough to survive for another short time. There will be another moment when life and its pressures try to bring me down. There will be many, especially in the coming months. And every time, I will turn to my God. I will remember the Fount from whom all blessing flow. I will trust in Him, knowing that he can, indeed, turn all to my good. I love Erik. He is the joy of my soul. And I love my Father in Heaven and my big brother, Jesus Christ. Praise forever to my God.

Peace and the Priesthood Power

So many are anxious to know how my visit to Mexico went. Let's put it this way. On my way home I had a 12 hour layover in Los Angeles. Luckily, my dad has some friends near the airport that, although they were out of town, left me the key to crash at their place for the evening. Upon my arrival, I plugged in my dead cell phone. After calling Erik to let him know I was still in one piece, I called my mom. Her first question was, "So, are you still engaged?" My answer: "Mom, he is the most amazing man I have ever met. I am now more sure than ever that I want to marry him. I want to be with him forever." That's what my trip taught me. It was more than just getting to play housewife. It was more than being able to kiss him and talk to him. Let me share verbatim a little of what I wrote in my journal recently.

A part of me tries to say, "But you barely know him." It's true. Who is he? So often, my jaunts in Mexico seem surreal. But another, stronger part of me chimes in. Erik is real. Our relationship is still growing. At first glance it seems to have bloomed quickly. Actually, that was just our version of a preliminary sprout. We are still working on things. And as enjoyable as all the touching and kissing can be, that's not what really connects us. It's in his reaching, searching for my hand the moment we're out the door. It's him bursting into song at any moment. It's me making lunch because I want to serve him. It's sitting and talking about dreams, ideas, the gospel. It's watching him surrounded by small children who adore him. It's him rocking out to the music on the stereo when he doesn't know I'm watching. It's him, flustered and nervous, kneeling in front of me to comply with my fantasy of having a man put a ring on my finger. It's sitting at a bus stop on a warm evening while he bares his soul, hoping I'll see past his mortal flaws and love the man he is inside.

The above description of memories spans our entire relationship thus far, and is by no means comprehensive. Yet it's through these simple acts, and the emotion reflected in his eyes, that I know what I do. For example, the following picture was taken on a rainy afternoon. These are several, but not all of the neighborhood rugrats who come over to see if "Erik can come out to play". The fact that these sweet children adore him and have "adopted" him as their big brother tells me much about the father he will someday be.

Another thing that happened during this trip to convince me of my choice was my last night at his house. I had the "luck" to start my period a week early, the Monday of my last week with Erik. I know, I know... too much information. But it's a part of life, right? So, not only did I get to see how he reacted to me during the day (no, I didn't get moody, just in pain) and helped me out, but I got to see him use his Priesthood power (the power that God gives to man to act in His name for the healing of the sick and afflicted). Tuesday night I woke up around 2:30with an excruciating backache. After a half hour in the bathroom with no relief, and another half hour crying in my bed, I realized I had two options. One, not sleep the rest of the night while writhing in pain, or two, get some help. There was no medicine for me to take (I can't take any pain pills most of the time anyway or I just end up with an equally painful stomachache). But after I cried out to my Father in Heaven for some relief, the simple answer came - There is a Priesthood holder in the next room. Ask him for a blessing. It seemed so easy, but it wasn't. It was 3:30 in the morning. I didn't want to wake him. I'd probably wake his mom too. I didn't want to bother them. But the feeling came again. So I got up and tiptoed into his room. Nudging him gently, I explained that my back was in pain and I couldn't sleep and would he give me a blessing? He was up in a flash. Now, in the blessing, I was not given immediate relief from my affliction. The pain would subside gradually. But with Erik acting as spokesman, the Lord told me he was pleased with us, with our relationship. I was given encouragement for the things we will have to face in the coming months. I felt the love that Erik and my Heavenly Father have for me. Some of you may not understand the power that moment had for me. I share it with you in an attempt to convey more of the utter peace I have with this relationship. It is something sacred and sweet. It has been many years since I have lived with a worthy Priesthood holder. And never have I felt the absolute trust in its bearer as I did at that moment. As we said Amen, Erik's mom had joined us. She made me some chamomile tea and I went back to bed. I slept peacefully and contently the rest of the night, wrapped in the love of my Savior, and that of my best friend here on earth. There was no miracle cure - my back was still sore in the morning, but it was bearable. Yet a miracle did occur. For a moment, I touched heaven, aided by the man I hope to soon call my husband. In retrospect, I am grateful for my unexpected affliction - if we are faithful, the Lord truly does turn all our trials and afflictions into blessings.

The Lord has blessed me immensely by giving me this sweet, humble man. No, he's not perfect. Neither am I. Not by a long shot. I don't expect everything to be smooth sailing. There are moments when his doubts and fears overwhelm him and he gets cold feet. There are moments when I doubt my wisdom. But we talk, we communicate, and even when we can't touch, somehow we do. And we remember - it isn't our wisdom we're relying on here. We haven't ever done this before, so of course we have no idea what we're doing. But the Lord knows. He brought us together and we will trust in Him.

Somehow Surprised

Part of me feels I should update this more often. Another part of me feels that it should wait until I have something "real" to say. Well, the second part has won out lately. However, this also leaves the necessity to play a little "catch up" so's ya'll don't feel totally lost. ;)

Catch Up ~
The Lord is trying to teach us a whole lot in a seemingly short period of time. In the few weeks since my last entry, the wedding date has gone completely up in the air. The more I've researched the field, it seems that our best option has become to file for a fiance visa (a process which can take up to a year). Basically, it's more legal, more honest, and enables Erik to not only work legally as soon as we get married, but also facilitates the citizenship process more quickly. However, it seems that the "honesty" part is what has impelled me to accept this option. The student visa idea was a way to, in part, bypass the system. However, if we were to go that route, and he goes in for his visa interview, if they catch wind at all that he's planning on getting married when he gets here, he wouldn't get the visa. Then we'd be back to square one, filing for a fiance visa with a black mark against us. Hmm... There is something to be said for doing it right the first time. So, I've been researching the necessities. I've talked to a couple lawyers. The best one is in Logan. Basically, he was the most upfront and honest with me. He gave me a few pointers to get me started - forms I can find online and lists of requirements. He told me that it is possible for a layman to do, if they are willing to take the time. Well, until school starts at the end of August, time is what I have. This lawyer also said that if I get everything together, he can go over it all with me in less than an hour to help make sure it's correct, and then he can help me send it in. Other lawyers charge at least $1000 to just do it all themselves and won't give you any pointers. This guy in Logan gives me free advice over the phone, tells me how to do it as cheaply as possible, and says that it'll cost me at most $200 to go over it all with him in an hour. I was impressed. I agree that some professional legal help on the matter will help make things go faster, and I'm willing to pay what it costs, but knowing that there's a lawyer out there who is actually trying to save me money and make my life easier is rather refreshing.

So, that more or less updates the wedding process plans. This past week, as I was researching the options, I started to get a bit overwhelmed. Not only is it a fairly involved and not exactly cheap process, but the adversary has a way of sticking his nose into our business at the least convenient times. I was feeling a little confuddled - am I really sure about what I'm doing? Being the woman I am, I gave myself over to a bit of extra prayer and decided to fast as well.
Monday afternoon I started after a decent lunch. I had to work that night, which seemed to make a difficult situation worse. The entire shift I felt I was fighting back tears. Doubt and despair were seeping in - so I prayed more fervently. I told the Lord that I was fasting for peace and understanding, but that the adversary was pulling me so hard I couldn't figure anything out. I got home from work exhausted, physically and spiritually. My roommates had rented a movie about the life of Beatrix Potter. Miss Potter not only lifted my drooping spirits, but calmed my aching heart. I went to bed with a glimmer of hope. Tuesday morning I awoke early to a spectacular sunrise. Normally my internal clock doesn't wake me up until around 6:30 or 7, but that day, I awoke at 6am for no apparent reason. The light streaming through the windows was dusty yellow, almost as if there were porch lights on all around the house. I stepped out into the cool morning air to investigate. Although there is a rather large hill blocking my eastern view, I could see the early morning sunshine filtering through the air, giving the yellow quality. It was not only magical, but somehow cleansing. The beauty of a new day diffused the confusion and anxiety of the previous and opened my soul to the wonders of the hand of the Lord in the world around me. By 8am, it was raining and the thunder was almost tangible. Even with closed eyes, the brilliant flashes of lightning were distinct. When I finally got going for the day, I felt renewed. All day long I felt peaceful, even during my morning shift at work. When I brought my fast to an end I felt successful. I felt closer to my God. That evening I had some time alone with the scriptures. I felt to "sing the song of redeeming grace". God is truly aware of my struggles as well as my desires. His Plan is perfect! At this moment, as I remember those feelings of over a week ago, my soul resounds with their echo, filtered through today's experiences.
This brings us to the present. During last week's moments of clarity, I asked the Lord about an idea that had percolated in my mind. He said it was okay. Then He sent a little extra help to take out some of the financial stress. My dad offered to use some of his SkyMiles to help me buy a round trip ticket to Zihuatanejo so I could visit Erik again before school starts. I had planned on coming towards the end of August, but there were no available flights by the time we got on. So, early Monday morning, I hopped on a plane and was with Erik by lunchtime (by Latin standards that is). Today is Wednesday. I am sitting alone in "my" bedroom at his mom's house, a fan blowing, neighbors blaring music, my own EFY music playing softly in the background, feeling quite as at home as I do in Logan, Utah. This house is the size of my living room in Logan (maybe a little wider). There are only two bedrooms. On my previous stay, Erik's mom was in one room, we were in the other, and yes, in separate beds, and no, we didn't do anything more than hold hands and steal a few chaste kisses. Over the past month and a half since I've been here, Erik has painted the bare cement walls, bought his mom a real table, moved one of the spare beds into her room, and managed to find a double bed for his room. So this time, he's in the other room with his mom, and I get to stay in his room, in "our" bed. :) It's a humble home, but I actually feel at home, even without running water, hardly knowing a soul locally, and being alone a good part of the day. Erik has a job at a print shop, kind of like Kinkos. He works from 9am to 1pm, comes home for lunch, then goes back from 3-7pm. His mom works too and doesn't get home until about the same time as he does.
Yesterday I spent the morning mostly sleeping. I had gotten up when Erik left, eaten some breakfast, then done my daily scripture study in the quiet house. We spent his two hour lunch break making and eating lunch. Today, I got brave. I asked him this morning what he wanted for lunch and had it ready for him by the time he came home. It was simple - angel hair pasta with sauce and some grilled beef with leftover salad and juice. But somehow, as I prepared for him, something inside me grew. I realized I'm practicing for the future, for our future. Something in me thrilled at being able to provide for this dear sweet man. After lunch was cleared away (to the sink for me to wash up after he'd gone back to work), we lounged in the hammock strung across the living room. It was a peaceful, content moment. We talked about some of our fears, and he opened up more of his heart and soul to me. As open and communicative as he is, it's still hard for him to really let others in to see the real him. We talked about the future, some of his fears and things he's unsure of. It was utterly calm yet profound. The rain started falling again, pinging against the plastic roof.

Lying here with you, listening to the rain,
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
It's all I've waited for, and I could not ask for more.
~Sara Evans, "These are the Moments"

Finally, he had to head back to work. We both felt calm and peaceful. After I watched him until he was out of sight, I went back in to wash the dishes. For a moment, I was overwhelmed by my emotions. Only those who have truly loved another person like this can understand. It wasn't about the physical attraction (which is, albeit, strong), there was something deeper. I love him so much more than mere words can ever express. There are many, many trials and challenges that lie ahead. It will not be smooth sailing. There will be moments of misunderstandings and sadness. But it doesn't matter. A connection has been made between our hearts - between our souls. We are building love, not just using up romance. We are building an eternal relationship, and the Lord has blessed me once again with understanding and knowledge of the grandeur of what He has given us. Yes, I am still surprised at times by how quickly our relationship has developed and bloomed. The depth of love I have for a man who, a few months ago was a complete stranger, still catches me a bit off-guard. But it is real. It is more real than most things in my life because it will last, it will endure.

Praise be to the Lord for his multitude of tender mercies. Praise to my Savior.

Because He was condemned, I am redeemed
Because He broke the chains of death, I am free
Because He bowed beneath all things, He lifted me above
Because He shed His blood for me, I know His love
Because He conquered death, I'll live again
Because He is my constant friend, I'll follow him
Because He want to ease my pain, He makes my burden sweet
And when He comes to earth again, I'll kneel before His feet.

And I will praise forever the Savior of the world
And I will sing together will all the saints on earth
Because He gave to me everything He had to give
I breathe
I see
I hope
I love
I live.
~"Because", Shawna Edwards, from the album "The Greatest Gift:EFY 2006"

Tranquila

So apparently the Lord has several tricks up his sleeve to get me to calm down when I'm too hyper. ;) When I got back from Mexico and started to find out information so that Erik and could get married, I was rather excited. I mean, who wouldn't be? But I was so "up" that I wasn't really able to think clearly. When I asked the Lord about our original plan to get married in January, the impression I got was to "keep researching information". Shortly thereafter I came to a seemingly dead end financially. I wasn't able to get a student loan until after school started, which would keep us from being able to meet the August 1st deadline for the English program application. So, little by little, I became accustomed to the idea of April. I was okay with it.
Then, Tuesday (3 days ago), I woke up with the realization that I am officially a full-time student this summer. Between Study Abroad and the class I'm currently taking, I have 12 credit hours. So, on a whim, I went back to the Financial Aid office, just to see if I could take out a summer loan. Well, guess what... I need approximately $7000 to make this English program application deadline. And what am I qualified for? $7000. The Lord blessed me further by allowing someone to want to switch me work shifts for Tuesday night so that I could have the evening off and allow this new news to sink in. I spent over an hour on the phone organizing my thought with my mom, then I chatted with Erik. So....
The January English program idea is back on. And since I have such intelligent roommates who come up with smart ideas, the wedding will probably be the week before Christmas. I had planned on spending Christmas break in Mexico with Erik. However, it saves money and time if he just comes here. We can file for a vacation visa for him for next summer and go down to visit everyone then. Hopefully, his mom can come up with him - we've got to work on getting her a simple tourist visa. Then there's the whole matter of airfare... but we'll manage. I can't believe I might actually be getting married this year! And to an incredible man to boot. Wow! The Lord certainly, definitely, undeniably knows what He's doing.

Just Keep Swimming...

So, it's been an eventful few weeks. The last thing I posted was about my recent engagement to an amazing man named Erik Torres. Don't worry, that's still in the picture. However, due to a lot of red tape and lack of funding, it seems that the wedding won't be happening until mid-April at the earliest. Our original plans were for January, but the August 1st deadline for the English program, and the lack of ability to gather the necessary funds until a later date, made the shift inevitable. At first, I had a rather hard time with the idea of an almost year long engagement. I was thinking I would fly down to Mexico for a nice visit during Christmas break, then bring my fiancee back with me, we'd get married, struggle for the first 10 years, but basically live happily ever after. Most of that is still going to happen... he'll just get here a few months later. It's taken some serious prayer, but the Lord has comforted me. After all, what's a few months as compared to eternity? And that's what Erik and I will have.
I know there are still some skeptics out there. I mean, it wasn't only a fast engagement, but a fast courtship. Having only been together for 3 weeks, is our relationship going to last the next 6 months without seeing each other? I answer unequivocally yes. It's true, a long distance relationship of this magnitude is a whole lot harder than I expected it to be. There are days when the doubts and discouragement creep in. But the Lord is mindful always. While the adversary is doing his best to make Erik and I fall, to give up, to say "This is too hard", the Lord is our support. We trust in Him.
I spent my first week back from Mexico working as a volunteer EFY counselor. Basically, for those of you not familiar with it, it's an LDS Church based youth program. There are overnight sessions at BYU where the counselors get paid, the kids sleep in the dorms, etc. Then there are the stay-at-home sessions. They're cheaper for the kids, the counselors are all volunteers, and the program runs Monday through Friday from 9am to 9pm. We spend the entire week teaching the kids how to apply the Gospel of Jesus Christ to their lives, make new friends, and feel the Spirit. It is an uplifting, testimony building experience for participants and counselors alike. Every night I would go home spiritually fed, my journal full of new insights that I would email to Erik. I know the Lord had his hand in that week. Much of what I heard was directly applicable to our relationship and the difficulties we are facing. Also, the Lord knew I'd need an extra spiritual boost to make it through the weeks and months to come.
Now I'm back to "real life". It seems that between 5 weeks in Mexico and a week of EFY, I got to kind of forget my normal life. And yet, the experiences I had in Mexico have become a part of my current reality. As much a fairy tale as my romance story seems, it is indeed a reality. I love Erik with all my heart. We keep in touch through email and telephone, and soon we'll have cameras attached to our computers so we can chat and see each other online. I really can't wait for Christmas.
In the meantime, I'm doing some more school. I have a class that starts tomorrow and runs for 2 weeks, 4 hours a day, Monday through Friday. In the evenings for those two weeks, I'll be picking up shifts where I can at Cafe Rio, a local "Mexican" food chain that I used to work for about a year ago. My first night back was this past Thursday, which, according to the manager on duty, was one of the busiest nights they've seen since last summer... good thing I was there! And good thing it all came back to me - like riding a bike, apparently you don't really forget. I turned into a machine for a few hours, answering call-in orders and typing them into one computer whilst ringing up in-house orders on the computer next to it. And smiling the whole while... yup! It was interesting. As much as I'm not thrilled to be working fast food again, I'm definitely grateful that I could find a job on short notice that will let me work for the next 2 months and be flexible with my schedule (especially since this 2 week class is from 1-5pm every day...).
So, the rest of my summer will basically consist of me working my tail off, finishing up another class, and taking a short weekend trip down to Orem/Provo area to hike Mount Timpanogos at the beginning of August. My Spanish skills and vocabulary are daily growing, as is Erik's English.

I'm looking forward to all of it though, as every minute and day that pass by bring me closer to a dream fulfilled - to kneel across the altar of the temple from the man who has captured my heart and to be bound to him for all eternity. To be able to put a date with that incredible day seems almost surreal, but infinitely beautiful. What a great blessing it is to have the gospel in my life, to know who I am (a daughter of God), why I'm here on earth (to become more like Him and to build an eternal family), and where I'm going (to return to live with God, and with my Erik forever). There is peace and assurance in the gospel. There is so much, much more. What a wonderous journey!

The Beginning of Happily Ever After

So, I know a lot of you are curious, especially after many of you have seen random posted comments on Facebook. So, here's a little bit to sink your teeth into.
Two weeks ago, I went to church. I made some new friends. One of them was Erik Torres. The next day, I went to the Bishop's house to do some laundry. As it turns out, that's where Erik lives since he's here going to school. He walked me to the bus stop and kissed my cheek, as is the Latino custom upon parting or meeting. I got home and told my roommate that I'd felt something at that moment. A spark, I guess. Yesterday, Erik told me (and I hadn't said anything to him) that he'd felt the same way. Wow! Basically, it was love at first sight, only we didn't know it. Thursday night my friends and I all went to the Stake Singles Activity. I ended up talking to Erik a bit on the way home - we just hit it off well. I was really hoping to see him when I got to church on Sunday. My dad, stepmom, and sisters Susie and Rachel came to church with me on Sunday. Technically, they met him, if only for a second as we were leaving. I had a service project to go to so I didn't stick around after Sacrament meeting. I remember that when I told Erik I had to go he looked kind of bummed. ;)
Sunday night I wanted to go for a walk and I had the idea to invite him since the place I wanted to explore was across the street from his house. He wasn't home, so I just went with my roommate Kira. He called me back Sunday night, apologizing for not being home and inviting me to do something Monday. We ended up going for a walk Monday evening, just the two of us, up the canyon. We walked around and talked for over 3 hours. At one point, he asked if he could hold my hand. Once we got back to the Bishop's house for some water, he kissed me in the kitchen. On our way down to my house, he asked me to be his girlfriend. At every point in time, I felt calm and peaceful. Everything just felt so... normal. I mean, it's not every day that some beautiful Latino comes along and you actually feel completely comfortable around him. Most of the experiences I've had with Latino men have been less than favorable - at least, when they're whistling or hissing at me. Not cool. There were many good guys I met on the mission, but my heart was locked away and unavailable. Then, out of the blue, I start a new friendship. In truth, Monday night when I got home, I was under the impression that this relationship would probably just be a summer fling of sorts. I couldn't envision it going much further in a short two weeks. But the Lord had other ideas.
Tuesday I saw him for only a few minutes after school. We planned on getting together to do some touristing the next day with girls from my group. It was magical. We were standing on top of some old Aztec pyramids and I felt so safe. The picture in the previous blog entry was taken atop those pyramids. After we got home (this is Wednesday), I went to his house with my laptop and showed him pictures of my families, friends, etc. He told me about his family. At one point in the conversation, he asked if I thought I would like to be with him forever. I said I thought I would. This was day 3 of dating. We decided to give it a little more time so we could fast and pray. We did that this weekend. After we spent most of our freetime together Thursday and Friday, we had to go separate ways for most of Saturday. My group went on an excursion to a natural water park and he had to work. We started our fasts after lunch, separately. Sunday morning I went to church with him. After church, we talked about the feelings we'd had thus far with our fasts. We both felt calm and assured. We spent a few hours after church just talking and being together. As the time to end our fast approached, we walked up the hill to his house. We stopped off in the field where he had asked me to be his girlfriend on Monday. We found a spot hidden from sight and knelt in prayer.
Words cannot express the peaceful assurance I felt as I knelt in the evening sunshine with the man I have grown to love so deeply in such a short time. He prayed aloud, then I did. We petitioned the Father for understanding and knowledge that our decision to marry is in accordance with His will. To my mind was brought a memory from the night before. We had watched a movie with Kira. She dozed off and we were talking about marriage and the future. At one point, I felt something growing inside me - a desire to spend eternity with him. He had told me to close my eyes and imagine our future home, our children... Tears sprang to my eyes. How is it possible that such a good, righteous man could enter my life and change me so completely? As we knelt together in the warm sunshine, I remembered that feeling. I looked up into his eyes and saw it echoed there. His love for me was almost tangible. And coupled with the peace of the Spirit confirming our actions, my cup of happiness was almost overflowing.
Hand in hand we walked the rest of the way up to the Bishop's house where we thoroughly enjoyed the Hermana Portugal's lunch. I spent a little time calling my immediate family and some very close friends and letting them know that I was officially engaged. That's right. If you hadn't gathered it from what I just related, I'll spell it out. Erik Uriel Torres Salvador and Corinna Marlene Motola will be getting married, probably Decemberish after I graduate from Utah State.
My whole family was thrilled, excited and happy. For those of you who doubt and think that I must be insane, that I've only known Erik for two weeks, how could it ever work out, know this. Those that know me best, my family and my very best friends, and those who have been around me to see this relationship unfold, are all happy and fine with it. And most of all, so is the Lord. So often, we focus on the unhappiness and dark realities of this world we live in. As the headline to this blog declares, I am striving to find the good in this life and to share it. Fairy tales aren't just found in story books. Miracles aren't just something that happened to other people in times past. These things come to those who are ready and willing to find them. I am a romantic, as I've mentioned in a previous entry. Even though I can still be realistic, no matter what people told me, I have always believed I would find my Knight in Shining Armor, my Prince Charming, and that a wonderous story would unfold. True, I would have been just as happy if I had met him in Utah, dated for a while, and he had proposed one day. It still would have been a fairy tale to me. But for some reason, the Lord decided to give me something I thought I would only find in Hollywood films and romance novels. I have discovered that love at first sight does indeed happen. No, we didn't know when we met in Sunday school that we'd be engaged within two weeks. But he caught my attention and I his.
So, I want you all to know that I am more than just happy. I am loved, cherished, respected and cared for by a wonderful man. He is a worthy holder of the Priesthood. He will marry me in the holy temple of the Lord. He is my best friend, and I choose to spend the rest of eternity growing and progressing at his side. We build each other up. He makes me want to be a better person, and I him. I may speak Spanish well, but I have been blessed with the gift of tongues this past while. Not only am I able to communicate well with him, we can communicate so much more than words express. We can be completely open and honest with one another. The Lord knows that our time together right now is short and has allowed us to become very close in a short amount of time. This has served as a great builder of my testimony. The Gospel and the Church play an integral part in this relationship. He is a returned missionary. He was a good missionary. He loves the fact that I also served a mission. The gospel brought us together. The understanding we have of eternal principles has blessed us and allowed us to get to know each other as if this relationship had been growing for years. We have both been preparing ourselves, and the Lord has been guiding us. Since I like words so much, I feel to quote the lyrics of another favorite song that has been in my head lately.

Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true


It's interesting. It has been a long time dream of mine to come back to Mexico. Is it just coincidence that I ended up coming with a program to Cuernavaca to the same school Erik felt prompted to attend? No. God truly blessed this road that has brought us together. It is all part of His grander plan for us. God truly knows us better than we know ourselves. Trust in Him and he will carry you along and give you blessings beyond your wildest dreams.

Living My Own Fairy Tale

I am a romantic. I love sappy movies. I love LDS romance novels. I'm a daydreamer. I would often lull myself to sleep by thinking through possible scenarios for the dreams I have of the future. Yet there were times I worried that my dreams could never come true. Heavenly Father would have his hands full bringing romance into my life beyond my wildest dreams - my wildest dreams have been pretty amazing.
Well, the Lord has managed just fine. I shouldn't be surprised, after all, this is God I'm talking about. It's been an affirmation that he really and truly knows me better than I know myself.
No, I'm not old. I'm only 25. But by many LDS comparisons, I'm "getting up there". I've struggled to fight that image. I have thoroughly enjoyed my single life in Logan these past few years. I have amazing friends. I have had some defining growth experiences. I have so many friends and activities that I usually don't have time to focus on being lonely. Here in Mexico, I've had even less time to worry. When I got here, I was interested in persuing a relationship with a friend in Utah. Romance was far from my thoughts. I was back in a country that has affected many parts of my life, my personal culture. I've been wanting to come back since I lived here at 9 years of age. There were places to see, things to learn, Spanish to practice, memories to make. Little did I know what the Lord had in store.
Maybe it's due to the fact that I truly wasn't looking for anything. My mom has always told me that you have to let romance come to you rather than searching it out. I had been in the country a week, deepened friendships with the girls in my group, and gotten a little frustrated that the hope I had left in Utah hadn't responded to my emails. Our whole group decided to go see some ruins after Sacrament Meeting on our second Sunday. My "familia" had planned a family trip to a local museum, so my roommate Kira and I decided to stick around for that. Therefore, we were the only ones to attend Sunday School. I was enjoying myself, not only because Gospel Spanish vocabulary is a bit easier for me to understand, but I was also simultaneously translating for Kira. I don't know why, but I love translating! I was able to translate comments in class as well as make some of my own. I felt happy. And we made new friends - other single adults in the ward who invited us to their weekly salsa dance class. So, Thursday, we went with most of the other girls in our group and got our hips moving. On the way to catch the bus, I started chatting with Erik Torres, one of the locals. He's actually from the next state down, Guerrero, from Zihuatanejo. He's going to the same University as the rest of us, although I'd never seen him around (it's a small university, about two blocks or so for the main campus - even smaller than Snow College!). We became instant friends. By Sunday, even though I hadn't seen him since Thursday night, I realized that I had a bit of a crush on him. But my group left right after Sacrament again, and this time I went along since we were doing a service project. Monday afternoon, Erik called me at home to see if I wanted to go for a walk. It's such a small world. I had found out that weekend that I was living just down the road from the house I had lived in here as a child. I had mentioned it to Erik and he wanted to accompany me to look around. We spent about 3 hours walking and talking. At one point, he asked if he could hold my hand. It was sweet. By the time we returned to the Bishop's house for some water, we had our arms around each other. He kissed me in the kitchen while the Bishop's wife tiptoed past, a smirk on her face and a twinkle in her eye. He walked me down the hill to my house. We stopped in an open field to watch a scenic sunset. He told me he thought he would like to be my boyfriend, and would I like that too? My answer, although seemingly surprising since I had met him barely a week earlier, was that I was fine with that idea. Interestingly enough, I felt totally comfortable with him. So, for the past 5 days, I have had a boyfriend.


I have felt happy, content, loved, respected (more so than by any other man I've ever dated), and overall, peaceful. Our relationship is developing quickly. Maybe it's the sense of urgency because I'll only be in the country for another 2 weeks. On Monday, my thoughts were that this relationship would probably not end up being anything more than a nice "summer fling". But by Tuesday, even though I had only been able to see him for a few minutes, I knew that me leaving the country would not be the end.
I'm not quite sure what the future holds for me. But I feel fairly certain there's a "happily ever after" out there with my name on it. Now, I am realistic. I know we will face many difficulties and challenges. Part of that is the fact that we live in two different countries. Another large part is that we're both poor college students... But I can also see so many blessings tied in. I have been incredibly blessed with the gift of tongues. My Spanish vocabulary, as good a handle as I have on the language, is still lacking. However, communication with Erik has been on a higher plane. He understands the meaning behind my words. I am able to express myself with words I've heard once. My language has grown in the past 5 days. We live close to each other - within walking distance in a large city. His decision to come study in Cuernavaca was almost a whim. But he felt right about it. We both caught each other's attention the first time we met at church. Above all, we just feel at peace about what's going on. Yes, it has been 5 days since we started dating. But I love this sweet, gentle, simple, humble man more than I ever thought possible. As one of my favorite songs says, "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you". I am a princess, my prince has found me. I am finally recognized for the worth I have - I feel beautiful. So, for all of you hopefuls, fairy tales really do exist in real life. And if you believe it enough, the Lord can and will bring you a reality beyond your wildest dreams. What an amazing gift! What an incredible blessing to understand the fount from which all my blessings come. Life is beautiful.

On the Right Path

This week I'm feeling particulary grateful for the gospel in my life. I have so many, many blessings because of it. This week I made some new friends. As part of one of my USU classes, we're supposed to sign up for Club Amigo - something the local university does to get locals and foreigners together so you can be friends and help each other out with language skills. I've met my "amigo", but haven't managed to get together with him yet. However, I have still spent plenty of time with locals, thanks to my involvement in the Church. I am in a foreign country, in a different city, and yet, because I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, there exists a certain brotherhood/sisterhood. I went to a local ward last Sunday, met some single adults my age, hung out with them a few times, and now I know that we're going to friends for a good long time.
Sacrament meeting this morning was beautiful. I'm used to my student ward where there's a mad rush to be able to bear your testimony on Fast Sunday. Family wards tend to have lots of silent time it seems. Not this one. There was no time lost, and all the testimonies were pure, simple and to the point. I had a hard time keeping my voice from cracking a few times while I simultaneously translated for my roommate Kira. Oh how I love this gospel! I can't even find the words to explain it right now. I guess the easiest way is to say that I know I'm on the right path at the moment. At this point in life (spiritually and geographically speaking), I am where I need to be. My testimony has been affirmed, I feel happy and content. There are so many blessings, many of which are the names of dear friends, that bring joy and excitement to my life. I would be utterly lost without the guidance of the Spirit. I know that God's plan for me is still progressing. I am growing oh so much. There is yet much to learn, but the journey is a joy! I feel quite at home here in Mexico, especially here in Cuernavaca. Mostly it's because of my Gospel connections. I have friends with the same values and standards as I do. I have people I know I can rely on. And constantly, I have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, guiding me, teaching me, expanding my understanding. Life is indeed beautiful.