Eternally Optimistic: Our Fairy Tale Life

Ocean Waves

2011-07-08T22:56:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting on a ceiling fan and sea breeze cooled patio, looking out over a watery expanse to the distant horizon. There are a few boats out on the water, and I can see some glittering sand on the other end of the bay. There is a lovely smell of frying plantains under scored by a slight hint of salty sea. My baby boy is peacefully napping in our room after having worn himself out splashing in the pool. What an idyllic day and tranquil moment.

Last Friday we got up early and my sister Susie drove Erik, Micah and I to my dad's house in Salt Lake. We rearranged our luggage a bit, then my stepmom, Susan, drove us to the airport. With very little effort, our bags were checked, our boarding passes were printed, and we were expressed to the front of the security line thanks to our stroller passenger. We grabbed some breakfast and boarded the plane. Although Micah decided he wanted to be a football (constantly passed back and forth), he did very well on the 4 hour flight.

We got off, got a green light through customs, and Armando the chauffeur took us to drop off our luggage. We took it up to Tío Alberto's apartment, and headed to Dad's cousin Lily's house for dinner. She and her daughter, Lili, are a dynamic duo full of life and smiles. Micah made new friends with the puppies and Erik held some snakes. We went to bed that night with tummies full of delicious fish and fruity pastries.

We got up the next morning, managed to navigate through the city to the Mexico City temple, and Erik and I got to do a sealing session. What a wonderful reminder. We went to lunch with another of dad's cousins, and Micah made friends with their very large dog who was very happy to clean up any dinner Micah threw down to him.

Sunday morning, bright and early, we loaded into our large van dubbed "grey whale" and drove down to Cuernavaca (about the equivalent of Salt Lake to Park City, mileage-wise at least) and got to church a half hour early. It was so peaceful! It was great to be back where we first met, among friends who knew us and helped us come together. Hermana Rabago treated us to a delicious dinner and then we relaxed in a guest house and went to bed early. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to do much more reminiscing since we had to be back to Mexico City to pick up Erik's mom and Susie in the afternoon. We spent the morning saying our goodbyes and running around the city to renew Erik's Mexican driver's license. It took a little over an hour and cost about $20. By having a Mexico license, he can bypass driver's ed which would cost over $300 and take over a month... Yep! I think it was worth the morning's trouble.

We picked up Angela, my mother-in-law, ran across the street for gas (which took all of a half hour to cross), then got back to the airport and found my sister Susie waiting for us. Her flight had gotten in early and we'd just missed her before heading to the gas station. I ended up paying for the gas since none of my dad's credit cards were working for some reason. I was very impressed when my phone rang less than 3 minutes later. It was my credit card company making sure that the purchase in Mexico was indeed me. I told them I was indeed to purchaser and that I would be vacationing all month. It's rather reassuring to know that if someone does steal my card and take it to Mexico, my company will be right on top of things.

Tuesday morning we loaded everything into the Grey Whale and set off for Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo, Erik's hometown. For those of you who are still learning about Mexican geography, mileage-wise it's probably about 350 miles (think Salt Lake to St. George or so). Ixtapa is the touristy part, where all the hotels are, and Zihuatanejo is where everyone actually lives, and where all the stores are. By bus, it had taken Erik and I 9 hours when I first went to meet his mom. Dad thought that the route we were taking would take about 7 hours (averaging 50 mph), however, the winding mountain road, with plenty of rock slides to avoid thanks to recent rains, made for much slower going, and it took us over 10 hours to finally reach our destination. We pulled into the Ixtapa airport just as Grandma Corina's plane was landing. Her brother, Alberto, and his grandson, Beto, were already waiting for us at the condo. It was a long day in the car, although the mountain top views were spectacular. And I now know some nice "hiding places" in case I ever need to hide out in the hills of Mexico. Micah did remarkably well, and rather enjoyed our 15 minute stop to change a flat tire on top of the mountains since I let him play in the dirt while we waited.

We arrived at our destination and Erik, Angela, Micah, Dad and I promptly showered and changed before heading over to Erik's sister Juana's house for a small fiesta for her kids (one was graduating middle school, the other elementary). We went bearing gifts for the boys, trinkets for mom and sister, and I have decided to be the aunt that always brings candy. The kids were definitely okay with that idea.

The week has passed calmly, with lots of fun in the sun and surf. Micah has adjusted well, and doesn't seem to have any problems. He was very cranky and clingy during my recent trip to California for a week, and I'm now sure that most of it had to do with him missing his daddy. Having both of us around seems to make up for the other inconsistencies at the moment. He loves sitting in the sand and letting the waves wash up around him. For his 1st birthday yesterday, he got to play on a real beach for the first time, and rewarded us with initiating some signs to let us know what he wanted. I've been working on teaching him sign language since he was born, and although I know he recognizes the few I've been diligent with so far, and he will mimic me or Erik on occasion, he's never used a sign without prompting to communicate his desires. Yesterday during lunch, I had asked him if he wanted "more" a few times, and he had copied my sign (he'd done it before, about a month ago, but only once, and never again since). Towards the end of the meal, I refilled my glass with juice. I gave him a sip, then set it back on the table. Micah promptly pointed at it, grunted, then signed that he wanted "more". I clapped, gave him some "more" juice, and he's been constantly signing more ever since for whatever he wants. He suddenly seems much more focused when I use other signs and I've started to try a few new ones out. He's catching on so much faster. I guess he's passed some threshold point. It makes me glow with pride.

Today, he walked on his own. He's still not technically "walking", but he definitely walked, and could if he wanted to. I walked with him down the hallway, then let go of him, leaving him standing. Normally, he will sit down immediately. However, he remained standing while I walked around in front of him a few paces, then told him to come to me. He walked on over (about 4 steps) without any wobbling or hesitation. He's got the balance and ability, but simply lacks the confidence and motivation. Since the floor around here is hard stone tiles, I wouldn't be surprised if he finds his motivation this week. My baby is growing up so fast... I can't believe he's a whole year old already. I congratulated Erik today on our ability to keep him alive and healthy this long.

It is now almost midnight, and I'm back out on the balcony, listening to the waves below me. I can see a few ships out on the sea, and hear plenty of crickets and other chirping critters. Little moths and fruit flies brush past me as the cool breeze carries them by. It rained about an hour ago and the air smells clean and salty. Lightning flashes on the distant horizon remind me of the awesome power of nature and the forces around me. What a wonderful time to simply be alive and living.

Tomorrow we're having a bit of a birthday fiesta for Micah with his cousins and some other kids. It will be an "American" party, with balloons, hot dogs, cake and ice cream. We aren't allowed to have a piñata here at the condo, so I guess we'll save that idea for our party when we get home. Makes sense, right? American style party in Mexico, Mexican style party in America... Yep, that's my life!

Now all that this post lacks is pictures... I figure I may not have much time until tomorrow night, so I'll post this, then edit it with some pictures tomorrow. So if you read this before it has pictures, check back soon so you can get the visual version. ¡Buenas noches!

Saturday was spent sleeping in a bit (until 8am), finding the Mexico City temple (Mexico City streets are still tricky to navigate even with a really good guidebook), doing some sealings with my hubby while Grandpa wandered the grounds with the pipsqueak, and dining with family again. Micah met a very friendly big god who he quickly learned would scarf up anything he threw on the floor. We went to Dad's cousin's traditional Jewish wedding ceremony (supposed to start at 10pm, didn't actually start until almost 11), and only stayed for the first little while since we were all tired and Micah didn't want to go to sleep in my arms, or his stroller, or his carrier...

Near and Far

2011-06-11T12:11:00.000-06:00

Part of being human seems to be the predilection for taking for granted those things near at hand. Then, when they aren't there, we suddenly realize how much comfort we constantly derive from their presence. Marriage is no exception.

In the 2+ years that we've been married, Erik and I have only been apart overnight once, for three days while I was at Girl's Camp with our ward Young Women. He slept on the floor in the spare bedroom while I was gone because he missed me. Now, here we are, no longer total newlyweds, but still in love. We're discovering how very different we are, and how difficult marriage can be. We have our spats, but can't go for more than a few hours before we're both in tears apologizing. I will admit that there are times I'm glad when he goes off to work so I have a few hours to myself (Micah is asleep by then).

We said goodbye only two hours ago. I'll be gone for a week with my dad and siblings in sunny California. It's an annual thing and originally, Erik was going to come too. However, he decided to get a jump on his education a little and take some classes during the first summer block. So, unfortunately, taking a week off doesn't work.

I don't know who will be missed more - him by me, me by him, or Micah by his daddy. And although I fully intend to have fun, take lots of picture and send them to him, I'm already missing him big time. I guess it's the "mommy" in me, but I worry about him on his own for a week. I know he's an adult and can handle himself just fine. My mom and her hubby are only a few minutes away, in case of an emergency. But I'm still worried, and missing him. Gratefully I'll still have a sweet little guy to snuggle with at night. Go figure - he's just started to be able to sleep through the night on his own in his crib. Not this week! Mommy will be snuggling close.

So, even though I get frustrated with his when he puts the dishes in totally random places, or leaves the toilet seat down, I will miss my best friend for the next few days. Maybe it will be good for both of us to have some time apart since there is some truth to the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I think it's just a matter of being apart for a short time and remembering how much the person who seems to drive you nuts really does brighten things up in so many ways. And hopefully I'll keep learning how to appreciate my other half, even when we're together every day.

Adjusting the Sails

2011-05-21T00:02:00.002-06:00

"You can't direct the wind but you can adjust the sails."

I like to be in control. Maybe it's an oldest child thing. Maybe it's a redhead thing. Maybe it's just me. I always have a plan for the future. I have a one day, one week, one month, one year, five year, ten year plan. When things beyond my control don't allow me to make plans, I struggle. And I learn to take a few steps into the darkness, having faith that a light will begin to shine. And even though it always does, those first few steps are always scary. I have realized that being afraid while walking a few steps into the unknown is not a bad thing. It's part of being human. I don't let that fear stop me. I walk by faith.

I knew that when I married a man four years my junior who was barely starting college that things would be difficult. I knew that when we felt it was time to start a family and have a baby, things would get complicated. I am basically the sole provider for my little family. This wasn't ever in my plans. I had always planned to get my degree, get married, have kids, and once they were all old enough to be in school, I'd join them as a teacher. That was the wind I planned for. That isn't the wind I got. So I'm adjusting the sails.

I cannot control the factors that make it hard for me to continue to teach Spanish as I have been doing. I have learned a lot during my employment these past two and a half years. I am a better teacher than I was when I started. I have adjusted my sails many times through some rather tough professional "stuff". I cannot control the fact that finding a part time elementary school teaching position is nearly impossible. So I have just adjusted a bit more.

Maybe it's just late and my emotions are close to the surface. It's interesting that I can be feeling so many seemingly incompatible feelings at the same time about one decision. I will be going back to working full time next school year. Hopefully, I'll be teaching 3rd grade at the same school I currently work at. Possibly another grade. I am both excited and terrified. I am happy and sad. I love teaching. I love being a wife and mother. I can do both, it just gets hard. And for some reason, the Lord has made this path an option. I could adjust my sails to go a different direction. I still have agency. And yet, this seems to make the most sense.

During General Conference last month, I discovered how much harder it is to really listen to conference with a baby underfoot. Take notes? Not happening. Listen attentively? Sporadically at best. When I try to remember what I learned, there's only one thing that hit me hard enough to have remained in my head and heart. Gratefully, I have the Ensign and can go back and study up. But this one thing that was said has made a world of difference for my current situation. Elder Quentin L. Cook, in his talk "LDS Women Are Incredible!" said,

"...we should be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people's circumstances. Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions."

When I heard that I felt both validated and nervous. I have felt a bit guilty for not being a stay-at-home mom. I have often thought that if I had enough faith, I could make things work out somehow and not have to work. It isn't a question of faith though. It's a question of agency. My husband and I have counseled together with the Lord and made the decision we feel fits our family best. I don't really feel like I have to defend my decision or anything, I just want to share my feelings and a bit of what if feels like to be in this situation so that others who may read this can either find peace of their own, or be less judgmental of others.

I can still remember the moment I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I was in 4th grade. My class had just lost recess privileges thanks to some squirrely boys. The teacher didn't handle things so well. I had been a teacher since a young age - creating worksheet packets to entertain my four younger siblings to keep them out of Mom's hair. But at that moment, I knew I wanted my own classroom, my chance to make a difference to each student. I have enjoyed being a Spanish teacher. Yet I still haven't really had my own class. I have always shared a space (or two or three) with other teachers. I can't explain how thrilled I am to have the chance to have my own classroom and to do things my way. I know I still have a lot to learn, and thankfully, will have some wonderful coworkers on my team to help me overcome my deficiencies. I am excited to do something different, be in control, and have fun with my (only) 26 or so students all day long.

I cannot remember the moment I knew I wanted to be a mother. I don't think there was one. It is something that I always knew, that is not only part of my divine nature, but part of what makes me me. I love teaching because I love nurturing. Teaching is an extension of this eternal desire. My family comes first. Every time I think about being away from my son for 9 or so hours a day, I get choked up. It hurts. I miss him so much now working only 5 hours daily. And as he grows, he'll need his mommy even more. It kills me to have to be away from him. However, he will be fine. So will I. Erik will be fine. Our family will be okay.

The wind is blowing opposite of where we want to end up, but that doesn't matter. We will just keep making adjustments and making progress towards out eternal goals. I will keep on taking a few steps into the dark as I wait for the light to come. I will not fall. I will not sink. My Redeemer lives.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

"I know in whom I have trusted. My God has been my support."

Proof, yet again.

On Being a Mom and Aspiring Writer

2011-05-19T22:13:00.001-06:00

Apparently writing a 50,000 word novel in a little over a week can burn you out on writing for a little while. The good news is that a 6 month hiatus can cure that. A friend of mine asked very nicely if I would update my blog, so here I am. I will be updating my story as soon as I do a little editing. Editing will happen as soon as I have some more free time, which I will have in spades after June 3rd. Yay! Only 10 teaching days left!

Update on the little guy front: He's crawling all over the place. I'm sure he'll be walking soon. I love being his mommy. Erik is a great dad and has a knack for getting Micah to giggle and sleep.

He thinks He's the coolest thing on two legs. Can you tell?

However, he looks a lot like Mommy did at his age. While many people may say he looks like his daddy, apparently Mommy has some pretty strong genes too.

Happy, crazy, little family in the bathroom mirror.

The boys helping Mommy cook dinner, and having some splash time while at it.

I'm sorry officer, my blinker isn't working. I'll remember to use my hand next time.

Carrots! Great for painting!

Here's a link to Erik's Facebook upload of Micah giving the front walk a good exploring. Look forward to more posts soon. I need to figure out how to get the video uploader to work with my videos...

NaNoWriMo - Totally Un-Baby-Related

2010-11-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have heard of NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. Basically, I've decided to do something crazy and fun. Starting last night, I'm attempting to write a 50,000 word novel before the end of the month. It may not be possible. But I'll sure have fun doing it! Check out my other blog, Verbose for more information as well as a daily update of my book. So far, I've got a little over 6,000 words since I started at 4pm yesterday. Wish me luck!

Leaps and bounds

2010-11-20T12:25:00.001-07:00

Mommy-dom is a busy world! I've decided that between nursing on demand, a dozen or so times a day, snuggling, playing peek-a-boo, changing diapers, wiping up spit up, reading stories, and laughing out loud combine to equal more than a full time job. After that, there's still a house to clean, my part-time job as an elementary school Spanish teacher, and Me time. No, I'm not complaining, it's wonderful. But things like blogs tend to get relegated to a back burner.

It's Friday night. Today was my younger sister's 21st birthday, so date night consisted of going out to Texas Roadhouse with the gang (mom and new step-dad, two sisters, a brother, sister's friend, and us).

It was a tight squeeze at our corner booth, and Micah was so exhausted that when we left, he fell asleep in the time it took us to get from the table to the door. But it was a great time! He had his first taste of lemon when his tricky little paws swiped one off our lemonade. His face was adorable - he seemed to like that lemon because he kept chewing on it, making faces and then gumming it some more.

Micah has become quite the bouncing baby boy. He loves to stand up (with some help), and bounces up and down. His right foot never stops moving. That's how I can tell if he's awake or asleep in his car seat. I can only see his feet, but if they're not moving, he's asleep. He's getting more and more stuck on mommy, and doesn't like to be out of sight for too long. But as long as he can see me, no matter where I stick him, he's pretty happy.

Last week, I went to the Utah Foreign Language Association (UFLA) convention at UVU all day. Micah came with me and we got plenty of comments about how well-behaved (and absolutely adorable) he is. During lunch, he lounged on his blanket by my chair and discovered the strap to my shoulder bag was a tasty treat.

He's a pretty darn cute little guy. Like any little one, he loves to have his diaper off, and we've gotten some great laughs out of him while he's on the changing table. My grandma couldn't believe the "carcajadas" he's capable of. Of course, with two silly, dramatic, amazing parents, what else could he do? Daddy is particularly funny.

Daddy loves to make videos too. So here's a link to another video Erik made - music, pictures of our little family, it can't get much better!

I can't believe how fast Micah is growing. Granted, he's not quite 5 months old yet, but it seems like he's been in our lives forever. And at the same time, wasn't I just barely pregnant? Being a mommy is definitely one of life's greatest joys.

Real smiles

2010-08-04T08:41:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to add a quickie. On Sunday, Micah was in a very playful mood. I walked away from him to eat and he started to complain. As I went back to him, he gave me a huge grin. We started playing some smiling games and I managed to record a few seconds. No sound though... Hopefully he'll get the laughing part figured out soon.

Surprise! Surprise! - Chapter 1

2010-08-02T21:28:00.000-06:00

I'm the oldest of 6 kids. I grew up playing house, school, babysitting, changing diapers, etc. I work with children. I thought I knew most of what to expect in motherhood. Of course I don't, and my adventures with Micah are constantly surprising me with unexpected facts of life as a mommy. So, here's my first, of what I'm sure will be many such lists, of what has surprised me most about being a mom.

How little sleep you actually get.
How well I can really survive on so little sleep.
How well I can sleep sitting up in a rocking chair while holding an 11 pound infant in my arms.
How much laundry an 11 pound infant can produce in one day.
How breast milk stains yellow - it starts out white!
How many diapers you go through in one day.
How brightly colored breastfeeding baby poop is.
How fast a baby can shoot poop out as soon as you move the diaper out from under him.
How a baby boy can manage to pee all over the place without you even noticing until you pick him up and everything (including you) is inexplicably wet.
How nursing doesn't come easily.
How much better things get, including nursing, after the first two weeks.
How much you worry about every little thing.
How much you worry about your baby the first time you're out of the house without him (even though Daddy is taking care of everything).
How much one genuine smile is worth.
How a baby can frustrate you and make you want to yell, and then, within seconds, melt you completely.
How much STUFF you end up with that is baby-related that was never an issue in your life before.
How said baby stuff tends to take over every room in the house.
How often you call your own mom for advice.
How protective you get of your baby, even when it's another woman who successfully raised 6 children to adulthood.
How many mini miracles happen each day.

I'll probably keep a running list and post it occasionally. Just thought you'd all get a giggle out such stuff... especially those of you with who have "been there, done that, got the t-shirt".

My Micah Monkey

2010-07-23T16:30:00.000-06:00

We've officially survived the first 2 weeks. Breastfeeding is still on the learning curve, but it's not quite so sore and painful - we're both learning. Micah is growing (as of yesterday's 2 week checkup, he's 9 lbs. 2 oz. - a whole pound past his birthweight!), and I'm (thankfully) shrinking. I can wear my normal shoes again, and I actually have something that resembles a waistline for the first time in a looooong while. My pre-baby shirts fit again, for the most part. The tummy part is good - the chest part is a bit tight. It's amazing what a little milk production can do!

Micah and I spend most of our days chilling in the rocking chair and nursing, changing diapers, napping, and eating. Sometimes I don't want to nap because I just want to watch him. And when he doesn't want to nap, he wants me to watch him and wants to watch me. The past couple days he's gotten to be more of a momma's boy. He'll fall asleep in my arms, but wake up within 5 minutes if I try to put him down. No matter... I'm becoming quite the expert and sleeping in my chair, or popped up on pillows on the bed. I need to get one of those Moby Wraps or something, so I can still use my hands and he can stay "tied" to me. Not that I mind all the snuggle sessions. He's a pretty incredible little guy.

He sits up well with the help of our Boppy pillow. For such a little guy, he's got pretty good neck strength already... not to mention his arms. During tummy time today, he got his head up about an inch, and actually managed to move himself forward a little just by kicking. This activity does prove a distraction when he's trying to nurse sometimes though. His arms keep pushing him away from where his mouth wants to be, without his consent. ;) So I'm becoming a baby swaddling expert. I love the look on his face when he wakes up hungry, I change his diaper, and wrap him up and cradle him to take him in to nurse. He just calms down, looks up at me, and does his "Cheerio mouth" pose. And I love having the cradle next to our bed for now, so I can peek over at him whenever my new mom antenna starts to quiver...

Erik is having a blast with him too. He always wants to hold him when he gets home from school. I think he's a little jealous that I get to hang out with Micah all day. And while Micah loves to play with his daddy and will wake up when he hears him come home, Erik also has a talent for getting the little guy to sleep when I can't. And he's getting the hang of changing diapers too... We're both learning all of Micah's tricks. For example, once he's on the changing table, it's a good idea to play with him for a few minutes while he's stretching, before taking off the diaper - otherwise we'll end up with 2 or 3 soiled diapers within a few minutes - or a messy table.

So, even though I'm grouchy some mornings when the late night feedings didn't go to well, or I'm a bit sore from breastfeeding, or frustrated by having to change his clothes and the changing table cover for the third time in as many hours, tossing 3 diapers in 3 minutes, or wishing he would go to sleep so I can too, all in all, I'm loving this mommy business. His little smiles, his innocent gaze, and his fairly peaceful personality just melt me. He's a special little fuzzhead and I'm glad I'm his mom.

Labor Pains: Ready, Set, Baby!

2010-07-09T15:14:00.001-06:00

Well, he's finally here! It's been a full week and it's taken me a few days to get this post finished. But we made it through 9+ months, 20 or so hours of labor, an epidural and a c-section. We've all had a busy time. Here's the blow by blow.

Arriving at the hospital - the labor and delivery room - our home for the next 24 hours

It started Tuesday morning with a phone call at 4:30am. Baby wasn't coming on his own, so the 6th was the inducement date. Erik and I arrived at the hospital about 5am. It felt a little odd to be so nonchalant about walking in and heading up to the labor and delivery floor. My mom was there too. We checked in and were taken to our luxurious labor suite. There was even a jacuzzi tub! Unfortunately I didn't get to use it. Most of the morning hours were spent taking a pill meant to soften and "ripen" my cervix, which was still completely closed. Erik went to school, and I spent the morning chilling in my room, with progressing contractions. By the time Erik got back from school, my water had broken and I was no longer allowed to take a bath. Imagine that - they don't want you to get any type of infection... Oh well.

Waiting to get things started, since Junior wasn't making the move out on his own.

By that evening, things seemed to be progressing well. I was on a nice drug that helped take the edge off the contractions. I dialated from a 1 to a 4 in a little over an hour. Things were looking up. Then the contractions got stronger. I was still a far cry from being able to push, but I'd managed to dialate to a 5 (half way). Lamaze breathing and relaxing techniques, which had been working fairly well thus far were no longer sufficient for me. Also, I wasn't dialating much anymore, so I decided to go for an epidural - this was after about 20 hours of labor. The epidural made things manageable once again, but suddenly, we had another problem. While I still wasn't dialating, Baby's heart rate was getting flat. They like a lot of activity, but his was just staying steady. We were both exhausted. They turned of the pitocin (drug that helps give contractions) and we took a little nap. I was breathing oxygen to help out Baby. It didn't seem to help much. I went back on a low dose of pitocin, then slightly higher, and although I was having good contractions, I still wasn't dialating past a 5, and Baby's heart rate was dipping right after every contraction. Not a good sign. Probable cause: old placenta. I was a week and 2 days overdue, and the placenta was no longer able to do its thing. So we took the last resort: c-section. I already had an epidural, so all they had to do was crank that up and I'd be able to stay awake for the surgery. Erik would be accompanying me in his "space suit".

After about 17 hours of labor with basic drugs, I finally gave in to an epidural. Shortly thereafter, we ended up having to get ready for a c-section, so Erik suited up.

It was around 8am on July 7. So, instead of my little boy being born on the same number day as me (Feb. 6 and July 6) we have a 7/7 baby. Since I was awake, even though I couldn't really feel anything but pressure, I definitely heard my baby's first cry. They cleaned him up gave him to his Daddy, and showed him to me. I was way to exhausted to do anything but smile and laugh a little, but with his head full of hair, he was gorgeous! As I've watched him over the past few days, I've decided that although his individual facial features look a lot like his daddy, the overall effect is my genes.

Here he is with his first comb-over and part. ;) Handsome, huh?

I think he looks better with his mini mowhawk.

Here are a few more. He snuggles up like a little monkey (or tree frog according to his daddy) after nursing while I burp him. He's a total fuzzhead. So far the first thing most people say when they see him is, "Wow! Look at all that hair!"

So, hopefully I'm going home tonight. I've got staples in my tummy, so they'll have to come out sometime. But we're doing well, and have finally (now that I've been working on this blog post for 3 days) decided on a name. He is officially Micah Nicolas Torres. And he's all mine!

The Waiting Game

2010-06-29T20:17:00.001-06:00

So here I am, a day past my official due date (which I know, is just a rough estimate), feeling kind of blue because Baby isn't showing any signs of wanting to vacate his living quarters. I have to keep reminding myself that he's easier to take care of and keep track of while he's still on the inside. Also, I can, for the most part, get an uninterrupted night's sleep. I guess I'm just a little impatient. I definitely won't miss having to sleep on one side or the other, and tossing and turning all night. I won't miss the acid reflux that wakes me up at 3am. And I definitely won't miss the elephant feet.

I currently have one pair of shoes that I can wear - my Tevas, since they're adjustable. I had to borrow some flip-flops from my mom for Sunday since Tevas don't exactly go with my dresses. Yeah, I won't miss the swollen body parts. I must admit, the belly is kind of cute though, even in a swimsuit.

But I'm ready for Junior to move out. And as much as he's stretching and trying to bounce around, I'm sure he's out of room. He just doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him there's plenty of space for him out here. We've got a cute little cradle set up in the corner of our spacious bedroom. (Which looks better with baby stuff and the library we've set up on the opposite wall - it feels more like a bedroom...) We'll keep the little one (can you tell we haven't decided on a name yet?) in there with us for now. Our dresser is the perfect width and height for a changing table too.

And no, I don't have too many books. This isn't even all of them. Just one wall. And still growing.

Erik's mom has been visiting his sisters in Texas for the past two months, but she'll be back here next week, with a visa good for another 6 months. She'll stay with us for a while, helping us get into the swing of a little one. We've got a bed set up for her in our second bedroom. Once she has to go back home, we'll set up the crib we were given in there and turn it into a nursery. It should work well.

So, in the meantime, Erik is still studying at the English Language Center at BYU. We're hoping he can take the TOEFL at the end of July and apply for UVU this Fall. I'm sitting at home cooking a baby, watching old episodes of "Seventh Heaven", "Xena: Warrior Princess", and "Hercules", trying to keep the house tidy and taking lots of naps. I'm getting kind of bored. ;)

We'll keep you posted as to when Baby makes his move. Next installment: Labor Pains...

Is anyone ever really ready for this?

2010-06-03T18:24:00.000-06:00

It's Thursday and it has been a blissfully peaceful week. School ended last Friday. I can't believe I made it through an entire school year, pregnant for most of it! Monday I was a little bored, still trying to figure out what to do with all this time I suddenly have (and don't have to think about lesson plans, students, etc.). Yet it's such a blessing to finally have time to sit down and list out all of the things I've been putting off because I've been too busy. There's still a lot to do, but I feel a little more peaceful and in control. And I am taking advantage of the fact that I can nap during the day - I know it won't last too long!

I still find it amazing how much one little being can completely change everything in life. And he hasn't even been born yet! I've been thinking about and planning for becoming a mother since I was still a baby myself. I practiced many of my skills on my younger siblings. I always thought I'd feel more prepared. However, as the time draws nearer to usher a new life into existence on this planet, I can't help but feel like I know absolutely nothing.

Sure, I've got my plans. I have a beautiful cradle set up in our room. The dresser (plus a pad) will make a wonderful changing table. The crib I received from a friend is stashed in the second bedroom under the extra bed. Once baby is a bit bigger (and Erik's mom goes back to Mexico), he'll get his own little room. I've already got it planned out in my mind. We've been very blessed by friends who have "been-there-done-that" and have given us some wonderful items that will be useful. I should feel like I'm basically all set, right?

After next Monday, I'm considered full-term, so baby can come whenever he wants to and should be just fine. I know my mom did this 5 times. One of my high school friends is having her fourth in November. Logically, I know that billions of women have managed this transition before me. Yet I still feel inadequate. It's not that I'm doubting or afraid. I am a little nervous about the actual childbirth part, but I'm sure I'll survive. I guess it's more just awe of where I'm at in my life, the gradual (and some not so gradual!) changes I've witnessed in the past few months, and the idea that before the month is out (most likely), I will be responsible for another person's life in a way that I never have before.

I guess the key is to enjoy the moment you're in, no matter where that may be. Time passes so quickly. I am an eternal optimist, most of the time, when hormones aren't throwing me around, and I have seen miracles in my life. I found my fairy tale and married Prince Charming. It was hard work to get to that point - fairy tales don't just fall in your lap. You have to write them. And ours is still being written. What adventures await in the next chapter, "A Prince is Born"? Only God knows, and I'm sure He'll let us in on things as we need to know. Good thing He's got it all figured out.

Growing pains

2010-04-04T19:58:00.008-06:00

I figure it's about time to get some preggie pics up. We just got new cameras, so we're testing them out a little, and hopefully, will get some more pictures going.

It's still a little hard to tell in some photos, but I am actually 6 months along! Apparently my nice, wide, "baby shelf" hips help me from sticking out so far. I don't even have an outie yet (although I'm expecting it to pop anytime now)!

The shirt was a gift from my missionary brother. I thought the brown and red tones were actually rather becoming, right?

Just ignore the messy closet in the background of this shot. Erik's mom is visiting us from Mexico, so we turned my library into a bedroom for her (of course, most people would call it a spare room and say that it's supposed to be used for people, not shelves full of books). Anyway, I get Spring Break this next full week, so I'll be doing some house-cleaning and organizing. I'm excited to actually have some time for some "nesting", but one week just ain't gonna be nearly sufficient. (Don't you love how the English language allows you to change from class vernacular to proper in one single sentence? Or maybe that's just me...)

As far as this pregnancy goes, I haven't been terribly uncomfortable, I don't think. The whole rib spreading thing was literally a pain, but didn't last more than a couple weeks. There's one spot right under my ribs that hasn't stopped hurting for the past month. I managed to break out in hives twice in 24 hours (at night - and didn't sleep much the rest of the night - and the next afternoon after a short nap) for I have no idea why. I had a small shingles breakout a week ago - same timing as last year, I must just get extra stressed this time of year. And trying to find a comfy position to sleep in is always a challenge. Other than that, I figure I'm doing pretty well.
Life is keeping both Erik and I busy. He's keeping up with his intensive load of homework for his BYU English Language Center program. I'm staying fit chasing 200 kids grades 1-9 around on a daily basis, while attempting to teach them the basics of conversing in the Spanish tongue. My "suegra" is visiting us for a month, then going to visit her daughters, then she'll be back when the baby is born to help out a little. She's fun to have around, and I could definitely get used to having dinner ready by the time I get home from school at 4pm. Oh well, all good things must come to an end.

The 3.5 of us went to General Conference yesterday. It was fun to wander around with Mama Angela while Erik was at the Priesthood session. She still can't believe she's actually in Utah. How many of us take for granted what we have right in our own backyards?

One last little item of notification: I got another job. It'll be more of a summer job, and will work well with Baby Torres being around. Basically, I'll get to teach English to kids in Korea over the internet for about 10 hours a week, from 5-10pm. After 3 months on the job, I'll be qualified to work from home! Sounds like fun, and I'm excited. Supplemental income is always a plus.

In conclusion, life is still full of ups and downs: good days, wonderful days, not so nice days, and downright dumpy days. But as life marches forward, so do we, striving to live as we should. Having the gospel in our lives, and the blessing of the eternal perspective it instills, makes the difficult days go by a little quicker, and the happy days a little sweeter. Happy Spring, Happy Easter, and may we all remember the "true meaning" of this season! May the Lord watch over all of you and yours. Until next time!

Getting Organized

2010-02-14T21:01:00.003-07:00

When I get around to it, I can be almost obsessively organized. I remember in college, my first year in the dorms, when the RA came around to do inspections. She about fell over when she saw I had my clothes hung up and socks organized by color. I didn't think it was anything odd. Why not put the same color together? It makes things easier to find. Another example is my personal library. Those of you who have seen my room or my apartment in the past few years probably know what I'm talking about. I have a lot of books. And I'm just getting started. I currently have over 700 titles in my personal library, growing monthly - everything from textbooks to novels, to kids books to teen stuff, to comic books to magazines. And no, I haven't read every single one of them (especially not cover to cover of the textbooks), but I'd say I have read somewhere in the vicinity of 90%. And they are organized on shelves in our 2nd bedroom by type (textbooks, Church books, big hardback novels, educational stuff, adult fiction, young adult fiction, children's books, etc.) and by author and title. I also have an Excel spreadsheet with all of them listed so I can find things easier, and remember what I have. Let me know if you want to check anything out and I'll let you know if I have it.

I still organize things, but I've discovered that as life gets busy, organization time takes a back seat. So, every once in a while, I get into a "mood" and have to organize everything. This weekend has been one of those, to be continued tomorrow, a holiday, and therefore a day off of work. Yesterday I finally found a nice earring holder - one with the mesh with little holes for earrings, that hangs on the wall, but it also has the mesh horizontally laid so I can just set earrings in, put the backs to one side, and grab what I need when I want. I spent about an hour (while watching a movie) organizing my recently acquired earring supply by color, type, and how often I actually wear them. The ones on the top rack are my favorites. The ones on the bottom (and slightly harder to see or get to) are the ones I've never worn or don't really care for. Yes, everything is in color order.

Also, attributing to this recent organizational fetish is the fact that I'm determined to become a couponer. For those of you from Utah County, you may have heard of the Savvy Shopper. Basically, she's learned how to make coupons work for her and spends about $100 a month in groceries to feed her family of 5. She has a superbly stocked food-storage as well. Did I mention she's a redhead? ;) So I signed up for a newspaper subscription (where you find a lot of coupons), found a few nice websites for printing stuff, got myself a zippered, handled, 3-ring binder ($2 at DI) and some photo organizing sheet protectors, and I have officially saved around $50 in the past month on groceries and eating out. I find the coupons, Erik cuts them out, I organize them into my handy binder, and we save money. It's actually rather fun.

Last week was my first coupon shopping trip. My list was created mostly from the things I had coupons for (note: I do not clip every coupon I find, only the ones I know I will use for things I actually buy), we spent a couple of hours at 2 stores, spent less than $100, filled the fridge and freezer, and generally had a blast (well, I did at any rate - Erik just thought I was kind of nuts for having so much fun shopping and using coupons, but he's grateful for the money saving thing).

Another organizational idea that was shared with me recently has to do with mail, papers to file, etc. I have a bad habit of opening mail (including bills, bank/credit card statements, etc.) and then leaving the piles around the house where I can't find things when I need them. My mom advised me to try and touch each piece of paper as few times as possible. Basically, the whole idea of put it away the first time so you know where it is when you need it. I tell you, hunting around the house and through piles of "to be filed" so I could fill out my tax forms was not fun. And I almost didn't realize I had an extra $250 or so in tax credits that I could take until I stumbled across some other papers.

In a nutshell, here are some organizational tips from someone who's definitely still a work in progress:

Touch a piece of paper (mail, newspaper, magazine, etc.) as few times as possible. Use it for it's purpose, then put it away (trash, recycling, shredder, file). Don't just leave it lying wherever.
Organize your clothes, shoes, books, whatever in a way that makes sense to you so that you can find things quicker, and maybe even help your husband help you out more! (Erik doesn't have any questions about where to put my clothes after I do the laundry... with the same color of course!)
Take the time to do it right the first time. We're all terrible at this due to the laziness of the natural man in all of us, but it really does save time, effort, energy and stress later on. "If you don't have time to do it right the first time, when will you ever have the time?"
Don't be obsessive. Some days you'll be stressed, busy, crazy, nuts, loco and everything in between. Life happens. Don't think you're a terrible person just because you left your clothes lying around before bed, or that you didn't comply with every goal you've ever made. You aren't perfect. You're allowed to fall down on the job every once in a while. Just get back up afterwards.
Be you. Not everyone is organized, and not everyone is organized to the same degree. If a haphazard, put-it-where-it-makes-sense-to-you sort of approach is the only thing that works with your memory, go for it! Make life easier for you. And generally, have fun in the process!

The moral of this post? I'm nuts, slightly obsessive, enjoy who I am, and am no crazier than the next person... or at least I don't think so. What do you think?

Little One

2010-02-10T22:21:00.007-07:00

Life is moving right along for the Torres clan. Work, school, baby. A few weeks ago we had our first ultrasound. Baby Torres behaved himself and although he's an active little fellow, allowed some photos.

This is his little head from a top view. Now, here's where Erik got all excited.

If you've never seen an ultrasound before, this might look like a bunch of who-knows-what. But the floating circle is a foot deeper down, there's a bent knee right before it, another knee off screen, and an adorable little tell-all showing clear as day. It's not the umbilical cord, and the doctor highly doubts it's a third leg. ;)

Erik grew up with 5 sisters and no brothers, no dad. He was the man of the house his entire life. He said he'd be fine with a girl, and I'm sure he will be when we get one. He's used to them. But the look on his face when he realized he'd have a son... and the little comment later on: "So, there will be 2 boys and only one girl in the house for now," his true feelings are obvious. I'm just glad the nausea is over, the indigestion is subsiding, and the other night, Erik and his son played soccer with my insides as the goal posts. Apparently Erik's nice warm hand on my belly makes for great target practice. It was a new experience to get kicked from the inside, allaying all my "new mommy" fears that baby wasn't moving, or that something could be wrong. I'm sure all of you with kids know that feeling. Since this is uncharted water in my experiential realm, I worry a bit at times. But that's just par for the course. So, everything is hunky-dory, moving right along, and we're going strong!

Here - Where I want to be

2009-11-03T20:42:00.005-07:00

Life jumps at you from a different angle every day. You finally get used to things one way, and then the path curves. Sometimes, the curves are so gentle, you don't even realize where you've gotten to. But as long as you know it's the same path you started out on, the same one you want to be on, you're happy.

I am a dreamer. I always have been. This is not to be confused with a visionary... I leave that up to my mom. But I have always had my ideals, my hopes, my dreams for "someday". Somehow, in the past year or so, Someday has finally arrived. After years of hoping, I found my Prince Charming. Many thought my ideals too high - my dreams of a "fairy-tale" unrealistic. But I kept waiting. Many times I felt I had "found him" - I didn't realize that he was supposed to find me. I just had to be where I needed to be.

So, dream number one became reality. I had finally found my best friend, the one I had been searching for in every friendship formed since I was a child. And alongside that dream, there was another. Fulfilling in a different way. I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I loved being with children - I love watching their minds grasp something, watching them develop and learn and grow and become remarkable people in their own right. But that desire was only a shadow of the true yearning in my heart. I wanted to be a mother.

I have been blessed to be granted the second great dream of my heart. I am going to be a mother.

I don't know why it has all been so seemingly easy for me. Maybe it wasn't. Sometimes, when you reach a point along the journey, you look back and think, "That wasn't so hard." But while you wallowed through the mires of despair, and tried to climb the cliffs of discouragement, that distant point on the horizon was only a whisper of hope - a whisper of a possible "Someday". I remember plenty of times of heartache and sorrow, frustration and discouragement. But all along the way, I have been watched over, guided, and encouraged. There has been a flame of faith burning in my heart - faith that my Heavenly Father knew my deepest desires and would somehow, someday, make them a reality. I was impatient. I wanted things my way, when I wanted them, immediate. His ways are not our ways. And I fully admit now that His timing is ultimately better than my limited perceptions could have ever achieved.

I am about 6 weeks along in my pregnancy. I am due at the end of June, 2010. That gives me a month after school lets out for the summer to just rest and relax. Well, as much resting and relaxing as will be possible when 8 months pregnant.

In the words of another of my favorite songs, I feel that the Lord has led me to this point in my life, even though I didn't notice all the signs along the way.

There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out

I know now that the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find

I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you...

Then I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me
Here

"Here" by Rascal Flatts

All I really need is a song in my heart...

2009-09-03T13:59:00.015-06:00

It's amazing how you lose good habits when you forget about them for a short while. I used to be a champion journal writer, including updating my blog, etc., and for the past year I've struggled to keep them going. Maybe it's just because life hit, hard and fast. I lost the habit, and am still trying to get it back.

Any rate, life is cruising along right now. I'm enjoying life as a newlywed with an incredible husband. A couple months ago, a friend of ours, Amberlee Eddington Hildebrand, did a photo shoot with us up at Vivian Park in Provo Canyon. I'd forgotten all about it until she downloaded some of the shots onto Facebook.

We kissed across the tracks. The zoom was apparently going funky, and the shot turned out really cool. When I saw it, I felt like I was looking at a poem, so I attempted to sum it up in a few words (never easy, but I enjoy trying.)

True love can be a little dizzying,
Yet the focus
centers on the two
becoming one.
The world disappears into the distance
as two hearts
cross the space between them.
Time runs into the future
creating a moment
that only they can see.

So, basically, life is going well. Erik and I are getting used to each other. Recently, in an institute class, our teacher read a quote from Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley. She said something to the effect of after 66 years of marriage to President Hinckley, she was "beginning" to get used to him. So I guess the fact that Erik and I are still getting used to the idea of having someone else around constantly, of learning how to communicate, and just becoming accustomed to marriage and the other person, is perfectly normal.

Erik is an absolute sweetheart. He recently received his work permit (last week), so he's been job hunting. Hopefully, starting in January, he'll be going to the BYU English Language Center. It's an intensive, semester long program that will not only help him with his English, but prepare him to continue his education in English. We're still waiting for notice of his acceptance to the program, but I'm confident he'll get in. During his time at home, while I'm at work, he's learning empathy for all the household chores that will be my lot eventually. He's an excellent cook, and helps me so much. We've had some rocky moments in the past few months, but we've weathered them together. Even when I start to doubt myself, or even him, I know without a doubt that I did the right thing in marrying him. And I love him so much, more than I realized was possible with all my crushes and relationships over the years. I guess by the time we've been married 66 years, I'll find I love him even more... He's a wonderful example of being childlike - especially when he's around kids. I can't help but smile the times I would take him to school with me. I would look over to hush a group of chatty students, and there's Erik in the middle, teaching them Spanish, them teaching him English.

If you weren't aware (and I'm not sure I wrote about it yet since I haven't been doing so well keeping up this blog), I'm a Spanish teacher at Renaissance Academy. This year, I teach 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 6th grades. It's a running joke in our department that to be a language teacher you either have to be a redhead or teach Chinese. All 3 Spanish teachers are pelirrojas, as well as our only Arabic teacher (yup, we teach Arabic too!). The two Chinese teachers are the only exceptions. It's a great program, still working out the kinks since the school has only been in existence for 3 years (this is it's 4th year). I have great coworkers, have learned a lot, and have some crazy, zany, wonderful, energetic, super-intelligent students that never cease to surprise me. I'm sure it helps that I can be just as crazy, zany and kooky as the best of them. That's half the fun!

I loved this shot. Seriously, if I were a bit darker skin tone wise, I would be nearly invisible! Somewhere, my mom has a picture of me when I was about 2 years old. I was sitting on a burgundy floral couch, wearing a dress with almost the same pattern, rummaging through my mom's matching purse, with auburn hair the same color scheme as the couch. She says she was looking all over for me, and overlooked me sitting on the couch a couple times. Natural camouflage! Así es la vida.

All in all, I have a handsome hunk for a husband, a challenging, cool job, my share of trials and rollercoaster moments, faith in God, a song in my heart, food in my belly, and love in my family. What else could I possibly need?

Prayer... the pathway from despair and stress to beauty and life blessed

2009-06-18T14:10:00.004-06:00

Usually, I start writing by coming up with an appropriate title for my feelings and happenings and then expounding from there. That's proving to be a little difficult at the moment. There is no way to sum up what I'm holding inside my heart right now.
Last Saturday we got back from a wonderful week of vacation in Orlando, Florida with my family. It wasn't quite a honeymoon, seeing as there were all kinds of other people with us, but we had our own little room with a tub and a porch, and plenty of "us" time. My hair went a little nutty with the humidity, but behaved well for the most part under a hat.
Coming back to Utah was a severe jolt back to reality. Before Florida, we had spent a crazy first week of my summer vacation getting organized and going nuts. Sunday morning started off right where we'd left our insane life. Exhausted due to our flight from Florida being delayed on the ground for an our at the Orlando airport and consequently our arriving home and getting to bed rather late, I was in a daze most of the time at Church. I attended Young Women's, supposedly to make some announcements about camp (which I'm in charge of and feel very inadequate for), and spent the rest of the afternoon with my head spinning, trying to figure everything out. Nap time was interrupted no less than three times by people looking for someone else, the Relief Society presidency dropping by to say hi, and my Visiting Teachers coming over for the first time. Over the past few days, it's basically been go go go, trying to unpack, get immunizations so we can finish up Erik's residency paperwork and send it off, with a million and a half hang ups and bang ups along the way.
Yesterday I started stressing out as soon as I got up - maybe I should have stayed in bed a little longer... But even after a very trying day for the both of us, things smoothed out. I willingly give all the credit to my Father in Heaven. I got to the point yesterday where, tears constantly threatening to overflow, I told my Heavenly Father I just couldn't handle it all. Both Erik and I were stressed, him mostly because he hates to see my hurting, and I just wanted to implode.
So we did what we needed to. Took care of the most pressing matters for the time being, put the rest away for now, ate a good dinner (thank goodness for crockpots!), and curled up together with a wonderful movie. I bawled, more than I did the first time I saw it (The Notebook), which was a much needed cleansing. And somehow, through it all, I came to see my husband in a whole new light, as well as myself and our relationship. Hope filtered back into my soul like rays of sun through a dense cloudbank. The problems haven't gone away. I still have a Girl's Camp to get through in two weeks, a bunch of legal paperwork to organize and mail with a check for $1010, curriculum to plan, a house to clean and organize... But somehow, with God's help, and the tender, patient, enduring love of a wonderful man, I'm calm.
The Lord answers prayers, and he answers them perfectly. He knows how much we can handle, and helps us stretch beyond our limits. My life is far from perfect and picturesque. But it is beautiful and blessings abound. I think I've figured out a title for this post now.

Summertime, summertime, sum... sum... summertime!

2009-06-03T10:15:00.006-06:00

It's here! Now don't get me wrong. I love teaching and I love my job. But in my book, one of the biggest perks about being a teacher is the fact that you still get a summer vacation. And thanks to a 12 month salary division, I still get paid all summer long! So I'm hoping that with a little more free time, I can keep this blog up to date. So here's the news. (Oh, and I finally posted something I wrote back in March after Erik arrived... look for it in the archives).

Yes, we're still (happily) married.

A couple weeks ago we hit two months. He's been here for almost 3. I can hardly remember what it was like to be without him. It's still an adjustment. I haven't lived under the same roof as a male since I was 16, so I've gotten a little out of practice. But it's all worth it. I'm learning how to stop being the bossy older sister (at least, with Erik - to my siblings, I will always be thus), encourage and ask, rather than command and demand. We're making it though. Since we didn't get the opportunity to spend much time together before getting married, we're still learning about each other's quirks. Most of the time, I just smile. And even the times that I don't, we still stay close. With a beautiful mountain vista seen from our front porch, we can draw on the strength of the Lord to talk through our moments of difficulty and come to a better understanding of one another. We have no secrets. I have seen him turn his soul inside out for me. And every heartrending fact of his past or mine gives us a chance to come closer together. I wanted my fairy tale, and I got it. It's happy, beautiful, wonderful and magical - and difficult. I wouldn't trade it for anything. The Lord has blessed me with an absolutely incredible man. How can I complain?

On a technical note, we're still trying to get all the paperwork worked out so Erik can get a job, but he still keeps busy. He's been taking a local adult English class in the mornings three days a week, and has now started another course through UVU in the evenings. Recently, he was called as a Gospel Principles Sunday School teacher. I, on the other hand, get to hang out with the Young Women as the Ward Camp Director. To put it bluntly, I'm terrified. I love Girl's Camp, and am excited to get to know the girls, but I have no clue what to do... at least, I feel I don't. I remember having totally amazing camp leaders, such as Sharon Evans in Fountain Green, who make me look back with a smile. No, I don't have to "compete" in the sense that I have to do better than they did with all their experience, but I want these girls to really enjoy camp.

I've realized lately that my personal testimony isn't quite where it should be. It's kind of like what happens oftentimes after a mission. You come off a spiritual high and find yourself in a slouch. During our separation, Erik and I were praying deeply, fasting often, and doing what we could to stay strong and fend off feelings of depression and discouragement. Now that our miracles have happened, I feel that I for one have lost a bit of footing. Not to say I'm not grateful, but without something so cut and dried to be fighting for, it's harder to fight. Yet realization is half the battle, right? My goal this summer is to get my personal praying and scripture reading habits back to where they should be. As a couple, we do fairly well at keeping on top of praying and reading together. Erik is wonderful at remembering. Yet it almost seems halfhearted if I don't add in my own time.

So, with the beautiful sunny weather, rainstorms perfect for dancing in, and cool breezes through the window at night, I'm feeling motivated to get moving. In the short period of 2 months (between the end of January and the end of March), I started a new career, moved (again - having moved a month earlier), got my fiance here from another country, and got married. That's at least 3 life altering changes (some bigger than others) in a very short span of time. I still haven't quite caught up. Our extra room is still littered with boxes, and I seriously need to organize my files (which are extending into every room with small piles of paper here and there). I've got thank you cards that still need writing, books that need reading, books that need organizing in our library, a car that needs selling, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. So, I'll get done what I can in the next few days, take a breather in Florida with my family for a week, and then get back to work, building a life and a future. But with everything we've got going for us, that future looks bright indeed. We didn't pick an easy path. There are times I've wondered if I'm insane to have married someone from another country, culture and language. Marriage is hard enough without adding in so many additional stresses like the fact that he's still learning English, can't get a job just yet, still has years of schooling ahead of him, etc. But this is our refiner's fire. Our love and our marriage is growing through the flames, becoming more than I would have ever dreamt possible. The lessons we are learning will mold out future, our posterity, and our eternities. Trust in the Lord, and He truly will direct thy paths to the best possible outcome.

And They Lived Happily Ever After (or at least, they're working on it)

2009-03-29T22:05:00.006-06:00

I know, it's totally cliche, but it's the way you wrap up a fairy tale story. Only this one isn't actually ending. That's the fun part about living a fairy tale in real life. You don't have to wait around for the sequel to figure out what happens after the prince and princess after the wedding. Oh wait, I forgot, I haven't written up that part of the story yet!

So, here we are, our big day. Basically, I guess you could say we eloped to the temple, as much as you can elope when you have to have an appointment, signatures from your bishop and stake president, and at least two witnesses. So, besides a few close friends, the only ones there were family (and that includes my "other family"). As you can see, Erik made it to the States. After our setback, he went back to Zihuatanejo, redid all his paperwork, got the bureaucratic runaround while trying to recoup his passport in Acapulco, and was finally able to try again. After I spent the entire week waking up with my stomach in knots and my stomach acid trying to bore through my lining, he showed up on Saturday evening, the 7th. It had been exactly 7 months and one day since we had last seen one another in person. And we picked up right where we left off.

During the following two weeks, we ran around like nuts, trying to get things done. Erik arrived just in time for one more nice wet snowstorm. And we spent a nice Saturday in Logan with my good friends, roommates and a sled and snowmobile.

Evenings were rough, with one or the other of us staying with my wonderful married friends in Springville, which was a blessing to have as an option, but at the same time, we just wanted to stick around together! We had so much to talk about (even though we talked almost every night for the past 7 months). So, due to complications with his mom's passport, we decided to go ahead with our originally set temple date and not wait for her. Basically, I figured that it would take another month or two for her to get here, and with my Spring Break in a few weeks, I felt us having a whole week alone together without me working would not be a very safe or wise idea if we weren't married. So, off we went to the temple (good thing I got my dress in November!).

And now, after a week of being married, I have come to the realization that it was not only the smartest thing I've ever done in my life, but the happiest. I have married an absolutely wonderful man who truly cares about me, tries to make me happy (and succeeds), is my best friend, my lover, my eternal companion, my confidante, and my dream come true.

For so many years, I daydreamed. I read romance books and watched sappy movies, always waiting for my own fairy tale. There were plenty who scoffed and told me that "love at first sight" and all that doesn't happen in real life. According to the leaders of the Church, almost any good man and good woman can make a happy marriage of it if they are willing. I believed that, but I wanted that that fire and passion, that spark that seems to hit you every time you read one of those stories. And although I made friends with and met many good men, none could capture my heart and I theirs at the same time... until one beautiful summer day in a faraway land... So, FYI, for all you doubters out there, fairy tales are real. And ladies, someday, your prince WILL come. Make sure you're the princess he's looking for and voila! A match made in heaven! The secret is to trust in God, live for your dreams, believe, have faith (yes, there's a difference), and never, never, never give up hope. And the happily ever after part? It's there. We're still working toward it, together. And that's the best part.

How He Got Here - The Lost Pages

2009-03-13T10:38:00.004-06:00

(Oops! Started writing this a few months ago, and didn't realize I'd never published it. So here you go, the Lost Pages of the Erik and Corinna Saga)

I've never felt so stressed and worried, nor so safe and content in such a short span of time. Last week I woke up every morning with my stomach acid churning, fretting over the possibilities of what might happen that day. Monday, Erik was able to get his replacement passport (after spending an exhausting few days going back and forth to Acapulco in slow buses). Tuesday we redid some of the paperwork (since it needed his passport number), and he printed everything off that he would need for his interview. We were able to find airfare leaving the next afternoon for him to travel to Ciudad Juarez. This was when my nerves started going haywire.

Wednesday evening he arrived in Ciudad Juarez which is currently one of the most dangerous cities on earth these days. Gratefully, the bishop of the Spanish ward has connections with a member in El Paso, right across the border, who picked Erik up at the airport, got him a place to stay, and helped him get around safely. However, I wasn't easy while he was there. He had to get a medical exam, then get to his interview, all without losing any of his paperwork. My generous grandmother helped me wire him some extra cash on Thursday morning when fees and costs ended up being more than we had expected (inflation is not my friend).

Friday morning, he was able to call me with news of a miracle. His visa had been approved! We didn't use a lawyer to help us through the process. Basically, I looked for information on the internet, and prayed. The fact that Erik has never tried to come to the U.S. before was highly in his favor. But the visa approbation news was bittersweet. We discovered that they had changed the process for how he would actually receive the visa permit. He had to receive some packet of something from DHL - and it could arrive any time between Friday evening and Monday morning. Saturday morning, another miracle occurred. The packet had arrived! And we were also able to use our travel voucher to purchase airfare for that same evening.

All day Saturday I walked around in a bit of a daze. It had been almost exactly 7 months (1 day over) since we had seen each other. When I got to the airport that evening, I still wasn't completely sure I'd see Erik. So many things could have gone wrong: missed flights, not getting across the border, getting robbed again. Yet the Lord had us in hand. If I didn't know we were supposed to be together (because of fasting and prayer), I would know it now through seeing so many miracles and help in our journey to make it. We still have a long road ahead of us. We're both aware that married life, in and of itself, is accompanied by many challenges. Challenges which will be compounded by our different cultural backgrounds, languages, and basically, just who we are. But we're determined to make things work.

Over the past few days, we've spent ample time talking. Whereas many friends and family expressed the opinion that this would be a chance for us to "get to know each other" again, what many don't realize is that we are in no way strangers. Over the past 7 months of separation, we've passed less than 10 days without talking. Most every evening we had lengthy phone conversations. We are both very passionate people physically. Holding hands is a conversation in and of itself. Yet over our long separation, we learned to build our communication skills verbally. Our relationship grew immensely during that time. But somehow, the being together, in the same airspace, touching, helps us grow so much more. I don't regret the time apart. It was a part of our relationship. But nothing compares to the peace and joy I feel in his arms and by his side.

Setbacks and Faith

2009-02-17T08:48:00.003-07:00

I'm still a little in shock, so this will be short. I figured this was a simpler way to let people know what's going on and ask for some extra prayers. The short of it is that Erik got mugged this morning on his way from Cuernavaca to Mexico City. All I have so far is an email from him, and as far as I can tell, all his stuff was stolen. So, we'll have to start over - passport, printing off papers, etc. However, the most important thing is he's okay. He's scratched and bruised, but sounds more positive and hopeful than I feel. I don't feel this has shaken my faith in the Lord, just deepened my conviction that what Erik and I are doing is right, and the adversary will do all he can to keep us apart. So, I ask for your prayers for both of us in getting all this resolved. As far as the wedding is concerned, we're going to keep it planned for the 21st of March... Sorry, I know it's been a few weeks since an update. I'll have to fill in the details a bit more later. But unless it looks like he won't be able to get here by then, we'll keep the temple appointment where it is. The Lord knows us and He knows what he's doing, so we'll try to keep hopeful and faithful.

At Home Again

2009-02-01T12:51:00.003-07:00

The past month has been an adventure. I have made new friends, and had new experiences, and started to make my way in the world. This weekend I came up to Logan, mainly to visit, but also to grab a few more things I'd left behind (so that I can start moving into my new apartment this week!). After a month of attending church where I felt like just another face in the crowd, of not feeling like I'm really a part of the ward, to come back to the Logan University 48th ward was wonderful. Not only did I recognize people as I walked into Sacrament (although there were quite a few unfamiliar faces as well... life keeps on changing), but I felt an outpouring of love and friendship as I haven't felt lately. I understand that the ward I've been attending in Provo isn't quite sure what to do with me or what to think of me, and they're doing their best. But I'm just a long-term visitor. Due to moving around so much when I was younger, I never really had a "home ward" to go "home" to. I'm still recognized in the Fountain Green first ward, but it still isn't "home". Today, I discovered that I have some semblance of a home ward. After Relief Society, as I greeted different sisters and we caught up on one another's lives, other sisters would come up and enthusiastically greet and hug me. I've always supposed I could do fine when I'm blending into the background. It's not quite true. No, just because I'm not quite sure where in Utah County I should be attending church right now, I'm not going to go less active. The Church is still true wherever you go. But that whole line about the Church being the same... I think it needs some redefining. The Church, in the sense of the gospel message it shares, in the sense of eternal truths, is the same no matter where you are. The organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints remains the same. However, it's not quite the same experience wherever you go. Some wards and branches are more welcoming to newcomers, some are more tightly knit between those who are members. In some, there is an immediate line to bear testimonies as soon as the bishopric sits down, in others, there are long pauses where everyone is lost in thought.
So, I want to thank my dear friends and "ward family" of the 48th ward for loving me, for letting me still be one of you. I know I am currently where I should be (living and working in Utah County), but it's nice to have a home to come home to. "Home is where the heart is." Much of my heart currently resides in Mexico, and I will not be able to feel completely at home and at peace until that home is established here. But I have left much of my heart here in Logan as well, my home for 3 years. I thank the Lord for friends, for the beauty of the gospel, and for the organization of the Church. And I thank him for each one of you who has touched my life at some time along the way and made me better for it.

Onward, Ever Onward

2009-01-26T16:11:00.005-07:00

I got to give a talk in Sacrament yesterday. I spoke about hope and how it has not only helped me in my life, but how it is a necessary part of our earthly existence.
As many of you can relate to, the single life has it's heartaches. There were many times after my mission that I wondered if I would ever find "Mr. Right". There were moments when I was downright discouraged or depressed. But I kept trying to keep hope. After all, in 2 Nephi 31, we are able to see that having hope is basically a commandment. There's a reason this blog is entitled "eternal optimist". I not only hoped that someday I would find my eternal companion, but that hope led to faith in God answering that prayer of my heart. As most of you know, that dream became a realization this past summer. However, I'm still pressing forward with a "brightness of hope". I'm still working on the "perfect brightness" part. But I know that discouragement and despair are tools of the adversary. The gospel of Jesus Christ is beauty and truth, if we will but live it.
So, over the past month, although there have been dark moments, times when I wondered it life would ever really make sense again, the Lord has been my light in guiding me forward one step at a time. In two weeks I'll be moving into my own apartment. It's a nice 2 bedroom place for a very reasonable sum. There's a bus stop on the corner - the only route that goes past the temple and the MTC (two places Erik will probably be frequenting). Also, it's right by the freeway onramp making it quicker for me to get to work. Oh, did I forget to mention work? I am not only an officially licensed teacher, but I have a full time job. I am working at the Renaissance Academy, a newer charter school in Lehi. I am one of 3 Spanish teachers, and I teach 4th, 6th, and 7th graders. I work with some absolutely charming women who have become quick friends. It's a little different than what I expected... I have an ESL (English as a Second Language) endorsement, and have taught English, but I had never taught Spanish before. It's been a bit of a challenge, but the Lord prepared me well. The students are great, and just as dynamic as I would expect. ;) True, someday I would like to have my own classroom, 5th grade preferably. But I have been richly blessed with this job, and it suits me quite well for the time being.
So, I am pressing forward with my life. Things are starting to fall into place. Erik and I are still waiting on visa stuff, but that too is moving along. The petition was granted and now all the paperwork is being reviewed by the Mexican consulate. Once they finish, from what I understand, they'll send Erik a packet of papers that he fills out and takes with him to his interview. Basically, once he gets those papers, it'll be a matter of a week or two for him to get here. Don't worry. As soon as we set a date I'll let ya'll know!
I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. There will still be moments when the darkness seems to push me backward, but I will rely in Him whose light never fades. My Savior is my guide, my hope is in Him.

Like Stones in a River

2008-12-21T18:48:00.003-07:00

I know, I know. I've hardly written anything in the past few months. Life came at me fast and hard. It was a crazy semester - long, busy weeks full of working as an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher, student teaching in 5th and 3rd grade classrooms, finishing off the last class for my ESL endorsement, being Relief Society President, and missing Erik like crazy. Towards the end of the semester, things got a little crazier. I was planning on moving down to Utah County - partially for work, since there are more job openings down there, and partially because it'll be nice to already be established down there for when Erik gets here and goes to BYU. So, I had to move out of Logan, but was having no luck in finding an apartment nor a job. Earlier this week, I moved anyway. I am staying with some married friends in their extra bedroom. It's a temporary solution, but I am so grateful for amazing friends who care enough to help out. Erin and I have known each other since our freshman year at Snow College (7 years ago) and have kept in touch. So far, her and her husband Ryan have been wonderful hosts, even getting me slightly addicted to the TV series "House" which they have on DVD.
So, I'm out of Logan, but part of me stays behind. Logan has been my home for the past 3 years, almost a record for me (the current record is 4 in one neighborhood, but 3 in a specific house). I have made many good friends during these past 3 years, and will miss them. I'm glad to be able to say that I didn't take my time for granted. I feel like I spent it well. I will be excited to see where all of my Logan friends end up in the next 5 years. Life is changing, moving on, and I'm flowing along with it.
As one of my favorite EFY songs says, "Like stones in a river we are tossed and turned." The Lord uses time and trials to polish and refine us. It isn't always a pleasant process, nor an easy one, but definitely worth it. Over the past few months, I have grown in many ways. I have learned about professionalism, friendship, and long distance relationships. I have learned how much my Father in heaven loves me. I learned how blessed I am.
The past month and a half have been rather difficult. The adversary has been working overtime on the "discouragement and despair" tactic. Tears are still a regular occurence. But I'm feeling hopeful and happy again. In a Priesthood blessing I was reminded to count my blessings. Living with Erin and Ryan, although a place for now, isn't exactly what I want. I long to feather my own nest. Most of my stuff is in boxes. I just graduated from college and have no job. But I'm going to focus on accentuating the positive. The decision to marry Erik was not a difficult decision. However, our life together will not be easy. But I long to face the inevitable pains, sorrows, frustrations and challenges at his side. And together we will enjoy the ensuing laughter, peace, joy and growth.
My life may be a bit disorganized right now, but my Heavenly Father loves me and is watching over me. I have a Savior. I am loved. I am being taught, and I am growing.

Patience

2008-11-02T14:28:00.005-07:00

So, there's this thing called patience. I feel like the Lord has been trying to teach me about it for decades. You shouldn't pray for it because all the Lord does is give you another situation where you have to learn it. He doesn't just hand it out. You have to earn it. Interestingly enough, I feel like I've finally earned some.
In Preach My Gospel, patience is defined as "the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious. It is the ability to do God's will and accept His timing. When you are patient, you hold up under pressure and are able to face adversity calmly and hopefully. Patience is related to hope and faith -- you must wait for the Lord's promised blessing to be fulfilled."
When I read that I was amazed. Over the past month or so, I have felt so calm. True, there are moments I miss Erik almost more than I can bear. But I don't feel like I have any need to complain. I know the Lord is doing all He can. It hasn't been easy to accept His timing. While I feel I'm ready to take the next step and make the commitment to be with Erik forever, the Lord in His infinite wisdom is teaching us plenty in the meantime. I am not angry with the delay - there's no reason to be. I'm not even frustrated - I know the Lord has it all in hand. Patience has been a difficult lesson to learn, and it's one that I will still continue to learn in the coming months and years. Yet I am grateful to be able to evaluate myself and see so much progress. Through Erik, the Lord has truly blessed my life in ways I never could have imagined.
The other part of patience, that it is related to hope and faith, also caught my attention today. In Preach My Gospel, hope is defined as being "an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur." As I read this during Sacrament meeting today, I felt a surge of gratitude well up inside me. I have witnessed many miracles in relation to my relationship with Erik Uriel Torres. For many, a stream of miracles may be seen as "fulfillment of the current quota" and therefore, no more miracles should be expected. Not for me! The Lord brought Erik and I together. He has promised us that, if we are faithful, all the blessing of eternity will be ours. He has given me many other specific and personal promises along the way, many of which are yet to be fulfilled. I echo the words of Nephi, son of Lehi: "Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard. Nevertheless, nothwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched [woman] that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me... Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support." (2 Nephi 4:16-20)
I trust in my God. The dearest desire of my heart is to be united for time and eternity with the man I love. And I know this blessing will come to us in the Lord's due time. I would prefer it to happen sooner rather than later, but that doesn't change anything. Lately I have gotten it into my heart and head that we might get married in December. As any of you who know anything about the visa petitioning and application process know, it would take a serious miracle. But that's okay. The prophet Moroni once asked, "Have miracles ceased?" (Moroni 7:29) He answers that "Nay; for it is by faith that miracles are wrought." The Lord has strengthened my faith. I expect a miracle. That is part of the definition of hope, believing and expecting a certain outcome will occur. If the visa doesn't come through around December, will my faith falter? No! I will continue on in patience and faith, with a brightness of hope until that beautiful day when I will kneel across from Erik at a holy altar of the temple and we shall be sealed as husband and wife forever.
During Sacrament meeting today, I was writing in my journal and doing some personal study, and not quite paying attention to the testimonies being shared. But somewhere along the way, someone said something that hit me. He was testifying of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and how any question we have can be answered therein. I decided right then and there to try it out, as I have many times before. I opened my scriptures and started reading. This is what I read:
"Wherefore, I did pour out my whole soul... and... my faith began to be unshaken in the Lord; and I prayed unto him with many long strugglings... And it came to pass that after I had prayed and abored with all diligence, the Lord said unto me: I will grant unto thee according to thy desires, because of thy faith." (Enos 1:9, 11-12)
On my whiteboard on my bedroom wall now sits the equation "Diligence + Faith = Desires of my heart". Next to it is a list of the things I have to do to be ready for the wedding, whenever it happens. I know the Lord wants Erik and I together. I don't know when, nor how. But I will strive to have sufficient faith that He might grant unto me a miracle. And when He does, I will shout praises to His name. None of this, not a single inch of this relationship and all the accompanying love and peace, would be possible if not for Jesus Christ, if not for His Atonement, and for His great love unto us. I cannot do any of this on my own. I am eternally indebted to Him, as are we all.

Pink

2008-10-20T21:56:00.004-06:00

So, here's the update. We're still waiting. I've been keeping busy the past month and half with a crazy load of student teaching, working as a part-time adult English teacher, cleaning other people's houses on the weekends (and often forgetting to clean my own), taking my final ESL class, and trying to keep the Relief Society organized. Whew! In a way, I like being busy because it leaves less time to worry about waiting. At the same time, it does get a little overwhelming. Gratefully, every time I seem to get too caught up in everything, the Lord helps me take a step back and breathe. True, His way of doing it tends to involve my body ceasing to function correctly so that I have to slow down, but sometimes the uplift comes from a simple conversation, a song that suddenly has a deeper meaning, or a sudden spark of inexplicable hope.
In relation to my rather interesting title for this entry (any who have known me well in the past decade and a half will realize that they have never seen me wear pink - I have not worn it, to my knowledge, since I was about 10), I have changed again. I saw a cute jacket at DI last weekend, and before really realizing it's color, I had tried it on and decided to buy it. And I like it. No, I'm not going to go out and trade in all my blues, greens and browns for pink, but I have realized that I can handle the soft tones every so often. In a way, this surprises me, but at the same time, not really. I am changing every day. I am becoming more of the woman I want to be. While I am still young, and therefore, technically a young woman, I am no longer a girl. I am becoming the person I can envision keeping a home, taking care of a spouse, guiding and nurturing children. It's an amazing process and I look forward to the coming years.
As far as the US Customs and Immigration Service is concerned, it'll be at least April before Erik will get here. Yet somehow, I am convinced it will be sooner. There are many reasons why he should, at least from my point of view. He needs to work on his English in an English-speaking place so that he can get into BYU for next fall semester. Also, I would rather like to be with him. However, there are reasons for us to be apart right now as well, such as the fact that we are learning to truly communicate and speak our "other" love languages (besides physical touch). We are getting the opportunity to "catch up" on some of the courtship stage that we kind of skipped over. But like I said, even though the government says he won't get here this year, I feel otherwise - or that he'll at least be here by January. I can't explain why. I have spent a lot of time pleading for understanding on what we should be learning right now, and praying to be with the man I love. For a while, I just got frustrated when I'd start to miss him. I felt there was nothing I could do. But lately, we've realized the benefits of this time apart - we're learning to rely more on God and less on ourselves. Our individual testimonies are growing.
So, for the time being, I'm doing everything I can to be ready as soon as that letter comes saying our petition and application have been approved. I've been vacillating between staying here in Logan when I graduate, or moving to Provo. Mostly it depends on where I get a job. However, this morning, after a seminar where we had a panel made up of representatives from various Utah school districts, I felt a growing excitement and hope of getting a job in Provo in the Alpine School District. They are one of the few Utah districts that have bilingual elementary school programs. That would be my dream job - teach English-speaking kids Spanish while I'm teaching the Spanish-speaking kids English. Everyone benefits! And according to the Alpine representative, there will be job openings in December. I have lived in Logan for almost three years. That's almost a record for me. But I guess I've gotten used to moving around a lot and after a while I start to feel the need for a change. So, while I love Cache Valley, I'm ready to move on and see more of what is out there. I have no idea where I'll live in Provo, whether or not I'll be by myself or how soon Erik will be joining me. I have no clear idea of exactly when I'll move, just December sometime. And the job isn't quite secured yet (although with my qualifications, basically, as long as I get the application in, I've got a job). I am not worried. One thing I have learned through the past 6 months is how to stop worrying. It has never yet changed yesterday nor altered the course of tomorrow. My life is in good hands - His hands. And while I still pray for more hope and understanding, I know my prayers are heard. I still have moments when I miss Erik almost unbearably. At those times, I have a good little cry, talk to him if I can, and talk lots with my Heavenly Father. Not withstanding the hormonal spikes and such, I can truly say that for the past few months I have been at peace. I am happy. Life is good. There is much to learn and do, and I'm growing. I am content to some degree. There is still the desire to keep moving onward and upward, but I have no complaints. The Lord has blessed me immensely, and continues to do so. So I will keep my faith, work hard to strengthen it, and trust in my Creator. And all will be well.

Hope and Strength

2008-08-28T21:32:00.002-06:00

It's amazing how one person can lift my spirits so completely. Well, I guess it's really two. Between the Lord and Erik, like can suddenly start looking up. I've been feeling rather overwhelmed for the past few days. Student Teaching has been a serious adjustment (my cooperating teacher and I have very, very different personalities and ideas), my one class sounds like it's going to be a lot more work than I had anticipated, Relief Society is still getting put together, and I hadn't talked to Erik since Sunday (and even then, only for a few minutes typing). I was feeling just plain pesada (direct translation: heavy; figurative translation: overwhelmed, discouraged, weighted down, and going crazy all rolled into one). Today, things changed. I've been praying for not only a better attitude, but some peace and comfort. So, at 7pm, I went to an Institute class (Institute is the name for the university-level Church Education System classes - basically, religion classes). Some of my friends think I'm crazy for adding another "optional" class on top of my already insane schedule. Now I don't have Thursday nights completely free either. For me, this class isn't optional. The title is "Preparing for an Eternal Marriage", which to some, might seem a reminder of things over which I have little control at the moment. It is, but not in a depressing way. After an hour and a half I felt a keen lightening of my load. In remembering the basic issues, and recalling the eternal perspective, I felt hope as I haven't all week.
For those of you who know me well, I am very hopeful. I was dubbed the "eternal optimist" by a friend my sophomore year of college. And I am just that. I can't stay down for long. This week has been one of the hardest for me in a long time. I've constantly been on the verge of tears, and have seriously felt like quitting and just giving up. I couldn't ever do it, but the fact that I was even considering it shows a bit of my desperation. Another "first" was that I wasn't excited to start school. I'm one of those crazies who would fake "not sick" so I wouldn't miss school. By July every summer, I'm ready to hit the books again. Not this year. I'm ready to be done.
So, Institute helped revive that spark of hope that had become dormant through the pressures of daily life. Then Erik texted me. He was online, and for the first time in almost a week, I could respond. I ran down the hill from the Institute building, anxious to connect to the internet. After talking to him with our microphones for about 45 minutes, I felt completely different than I had even hours before. He gave me strength.
The was something deeply reassuring in knowing he misses me as much as I miss him. And as he talked to me about trials and challenges, and reminded me of how much he admires me for everything I do, the tears did come - not out of pain or sorrow, but out of gratitude for the gift and blessing of such a man in my life. Gratitude for a man who, in a few simple phrases, can infuse me with more life, more hope and strength, and make me feel utterly loved. Once again, the Lord has reaffirmed my knowledge that my relationship with Erik is "according to plan". It's not some hasty romance between two lonely people. Rather, it is a divine gift, bestowed by a loving Father who understands the complexities a whole lot better than anyone involved (or not involved for that matter) can possibly comprehend.
In summary, after 4 days of gloom and shadow, the Lord has healed my aching heart and given me enough to survive for another short time. There will be another moment when life and its pressures try to bring me down. There will be many, especially in the coming months. And every time, I will turn to my God. I will remember the Fount from whom all blessing flow. I will trust in Him, knowing that he can, indeed, turn all to my good. I love Erik. He is the joy of my soul. And I love my Father in Heaven and my big brother, Jesus Christ. Praise forever to my God.

Peace and the Priesthood Power

2008-08-17T16:35:00.007-06:00

So many are anxious to know how my visit to Mexico went. Let's put it this way. On my way home I had a 12 hour layover in Los Angeles. Luckily, my dad has some friends near the airport that, although they were out of town, left me the key to crash at their place for the evening. Upon my arrival, I plugged in my dead cell phone. After calling Erik to let him know I was still in one piece, I called my mom. Her first question was, "So, are you still engaged?" My answer: "Mom, he is the most amazing man I have ever met. I am now more sure than ever that I want to marry him. I want to be with him forever." That's what my trip taught me. It was more than just getting to play housewife. It was more than being able to kiss him and talk to him. Let me share verbatim a little of what I wrote in my journal recently.

A part of me tries to say, "But you barely know him." It's true. Who is he? So often, my jaunts in Mexico seem surreal. But another, stronger part of me chimes in. Erik is real. Our relationship is still growing. At first glance it seems to have bloomed quickly. Actually, that was just our version of a preliminary sprout. We are still working on things. And as enjoyable as all the touching and kissing can be, that's not what really connects us. It's in his reaching, searching for my hand the moment we're out the door. It's him bursting into song at any moment. It's me making lunch because I want to serve him. It's sitting and talking about dreams, ideas, the gospel. It's watching him surrounded by small children who adore him. It's him rocking out to the music on the stereo when he doesn't know I'm watching. It's him, flustered and nervous, kneeling in front of me to comply with my fantasy of having a man put a ring on my finger. It's sitting at a bus stop on a warm evening while he bares his soul, hoping I'll see past his mortal flaws and love the man he is inside.

The above description of memories spans our entire relationship thus far, and is by no means comprehensive. Yet it's through these simple acts, and the emotion reflected in his eyes, that I know what I do. For example, the following picture was taken on a rainy afternoon. These are several, but not all of the neighborhood rugrats who come over to see if "Erik can come out to play". The fact that these sweet children adore him and have "adopted" him as their big brother tells me much about the father he will someday be.

Another thing that happened during this trip to convince me of my choice was my last night at his house. I had the "luck" to start my period a week early, the Monday of my last week with Erik. I know, I know... too much information. But it's a part of life, right? So, not only did I get to see how he reacted to me during the day (no, I didn't get moody, just in pain) and helped me out, but I got to see him use his Priesthood power (the power that God gives to man to act in His name for the healing of the sick and afflicted). Tuesday night I woke up around 2:30with an excruciating backache. After a half hour in the bathroom with no relief, and another half hour crying in my bed, I realized I had two options. One, not sleep the rest of the night while writhing in pain, or two, get some help. There was no medicine for me to take (I can't take any pain pills most of the time anyway or I just end up with an equally painful stomachache). But after I cried out to my Father in Heaven for some relief, the simple answer came - There is a Priesthood holder in the next room. Ask him for a blessing. It seemed so easy, but it wasn't. It was 3:30 in the morning. I didn't want to wake him. I'd probably wake his mom too. I didn't want to bother them. But the feeling came again. So I got up and tiptoed into his room. Nudging him gently, I explained that my back was in pain and I couldn't sleep and would he give me a blessing? He was up in a flash. Now, in the blessing, I was not given immediate relief from my affliction. The pain would subside gradually. But with Erik acting as spokesman, the Lord told me he was pleased with us, with our relationship. I was given encouragement for the things we will have to face in the coming months. I felt the love that Erik and my Heavenly Father have for me. Some of you may not understand the power that moment had for me. I share it with you in an attempt to convey more of the utter peace I have with this relationship. It is something sacred and sweet. It has been many years since I have lived with a worthy Priesthood holder. And never have I felt the absolute trust in its bearer as I did at that moment. As we said Amen, Erik's mom had joined us. She made me some chamomile tea and I went back to bed. I slept peacefully and contently the rest of the night, wrapped in the love of my Savior, and that of my best friend here on earth. There was no miracle cure - my back was still sore in the morning, but it was bearable. Yet a miracle did occur. For a moment, I touched heaven, aided by the man I hope to soon call my husband. In retrospect, I am grateful for my unexpected affliction - if we are faithful, the Lord truly does turn all our trials and afflictions into blessings.

The Lord has blessed me immensely by giving me this sweet, humble man. No, he's not perfect. Neither am I. Not by a long shot. I don't expect everything to be smooth sailing. There are moments when his doubts and fears overwhelm him and he gets cold feet. There are moments when I doubt my wisdom. But we talk, we communicate, and even when we can't touch, somehow we do. And we remember - it isn't our wisdom we're relying on here. We haven't ever done this before, so of course we have no idea what we're doing. But the Lord knows. He brought us together and we will trust in Him.

Somehow Surprised

2008-07-30T14:35:00.003-06:00

Part of me feels I should update this more often. Another part of me feels that it should wait until I have something "real" to say. Well, the second part has won out lately. However, this also leaves the necessity to play a little "catch up" so's ya'll don't feel totally lost. ;)

Catch Up ~
The Lord is trying to teach us a whole lot in a seemingly short period of time. In the few weeks since my last entry, the wedding date has gone completely up in the air. The more I've researched the field, it seems that our best option has become to file for a fiance visa (a process which can take up to a year). Basically, it's more legal, more honest, and enables Erik to not only work legally as soon as we get married, but also facilitates the citizenship process more quickly. However, it seems that the "honesty" part is what has impelled me to accept this option. The student visa idea was a way to, in part, bypass the system. However, if we were to go that route, and he goes in for his visa interview, if they catch wind at all that he's planning on getting married when he gets here, he wouldn't get the visa. Then we'd be back to square one, filing for a fiance visa with a black mark against us. Hmm... There is something to be said for doing it right the first time. So, I've been researching the necessities. I've talked to a couple lawyers. The best one is in Logan. Basically, he was the most upfront and honest with me. He gave me a few pointers to get me started - forms I can find online and lists of requirements. He told me that it is possible for a layman to do, if they are willing to take the time. Well, until school starts at the end of August, time is what I have. This lawyer also said that if I get everything together, he can go over it all with me in less than an hour to help make sure it's correct, and then he can help me send it in. Other lawyers charge at least $1000 to just do it all themselves and won't give you any pointers. This guy in Logan gives me free advice over the phone, tells me how to do it as cheaply as possible, and says that it'll cost me at most $200 to go over it all with him in an hour. I was impressed. I agree that some professional legal help on the matter will help make things go faster, and I'm willing to pay what it costs, but knowing that there's a lawyer out there who is actually trying to save me money and make my life easier is rather refreshing.

So, that more or less updates the wedding process plans. This past week, as I was researching the options, I started to get a bit overwhelmed. Not only is it a fairly involved and not exactly cheap process, but the adversary has a way of sticking his nose into our business at the least convenient times. I was feeling a little confuddled - am I really sure about what I'm doing? Being the woman I am, I gave myself over to a bit of extra prayer and decided to fast as well.
Monday afternoon I started after a decent lunch. I had to work that night, which seemed to make a difficult situation worse. The entire shift I felt I was fighting back tears. Doubt and despair were seeping in - so I prayed more fervently. I told the Lord that I was fasting for peace and understanding, but that the adversary was pulling me so hard I couldn't figure anything out. I got home from work exhausted, physically and spiritually. My roommates had rented a movie about the life of Beatrix Potter. Miss Potter not only lifted my drooping spirits, but calmed my aching heart. I went to bed with a glimmer of hope. Tuesday morning I awoke early to a spectacular sunrise. Normally my internal clock doesn't wake me up until around 6:30 or 7, but that day, I awoke at 6am for no apparent reason. The light streaming through the windows was dusty yellow, almost as if there were porch lights on all around the house. I stepped out into the cool morning air to investigate. Although there is a rather large hill blocking my eastern view, I could see the early morning sunshine filtering through the air, giving the yellow quality. It was not only magical, but somehow cleansing. The beauty of a new day diffused the confusion and anxiety of the previous and opened my soul to the wonders of the hand of the Lord in the world around me. By 8am, it was raining and the thunder was almost tangible. Even with closed eyes, the brilliant flashes of lightning were distinct. When I finally got going for the day, I felt renewed. All day long I felt peaceful, even during my morning shift at work. When I brought my fast to an end I felt successful. I felt closer to my God. That evening I had some time alone with the scriptures. I felt to "sing the song of redeeming grace". God is truly aware of my struggles as well as my desires. His Plan is perfect! At this moment, as I remember those feelings of over a week ago, my soul resounds with their echo, filtered through today's experiences.
This brings us to the present. During last week's moments of clarity, I asked the Lord about an idea that had percolated in my mind. He said it was okay. Then He sent a little extra help to take out some of the financial stress. My dad offered to use some of his SkyMiles to help me buy a round trip ticket to Zihuatanejo so I could visit Erik again before school starts. I had planned on coming towards the end of August, but there were no available flights by the time we got on. So, early Monday morning, I hopped on a plane and was with Erik by lunchtime (by Latin standards that is). Today is Wednesday. I am sitting alone in "my" bedroom at his mom's house, a fan blowing, neighbors blaring music, my own EFY music playing softly in the background, feeling quite as at home as I do in Logan, Utah. This house is the size of my living room in Logan (maybe a little wider). There are only two bedrooms. On my previous stay, Erik's mom was in one room, we were in the other, and yes, in separate beds, and no, we didn't do anything more than hold hands and steal a few chaste kisses. Over the past month and a half since I've been here, Erik has painted the bare cement walls, bought his mom a real table, moved one of the spare beds into her room, and managed to find a double bed for his room. So this time, he's in the other room with his mom, and I get to stay in his room, in "our" bed. :) It's a humble home, but I actually feel at home, even without running water, hardly knowing a soul locally, and being alone a good part of the day. Erik has a job at a print shop, kind of like Kinkos. He works from 9am to 1pm, comes home for lunch, then goes back from 3-7pm. His mom works too and doesn't get home until about the same time as he does.
Yesterday I spent the morning mostly sleeping. I had gotten up when Erik left, eaten some breakfast, then done my daily scripture study in the quiet house. We spent his two hour lunch break making and eating lunch. Today, I got brave. I asked him this morning what he wanted for lunch and had it ready for him by the time he came home. It was simple - angel hair pasta with sauce and some grilled beef with leftover salad and juice. But somehow, as I prepared for him, something inside me grew. I realized I'm practicing for the future, for our future. Something in me thrilled at being able to provide for this dear sweet man. After lunch was cleared away (to the sink for me to wash up after he'd gone back to work), we lounged in the hammock strung across the living room. It was a peaceful, content moment. We talked about some of our fears, and he opened up more of his heart and soul to me. As open and communicative as he is, it's still hard for him to really let others in to see the real him. We talked about the future, some of his fears and things he's unsure of. It was utterly calm yet profound. The rain started falling again, pinging against the plastic roof.

Lying here with you, listening to the rain,
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
It's all I've waited for, and I could not ask for more.
~Sara Evans, "These are the Moments"

Finally, he had to head back to work. We both felt calm and peaceful. After I watched him until he was out of sight, I went back in to wash the dishes. For a moment, I was overwhelmed by my emotions. Only those who have truly loved another person like this can understand. It wasn't about the physical attraction (which is, albeit, strong), there was something deeper. I love him so much more than mere words can ever express. There are many, many trials and challenges that lie ahead. It will not be smooth sailing. There will be moments of misunderstandings and sadness. But it doesn't matter. A connection has been made between our hearts - between our souls. We are building love, not just using up romance. We are building an eternal relationship, and the Lord has blessed me once again with understanding and knowledge of the grandeur of what He has given us. Yes, I am still surprised at times by how quickly our relationship has developed and bloomed. The depth of love I have for a man who, a few months ago was a complete stranger, still catches me a bit off-guard. But it is real. It is more real than most things in my life because it will last, it will endure.

Praise be to the Lord for his multitude of tender mercies. Praise to my Savior.

Because He was condemned, I am redeemed
Because He broke the chains of death, I am free
Because He bowed beneath all things, He lifted me above
Because He shed His blood for me, I know His love
Because He conquered death, I'll live again
Because He is my constant friend, I'll follow him
Because He want to ease my pain, He makes my burden sweet
And when He comes to earth again, I'll kneel before His feet.

And I will praise forever the Savior of the world
And I will sing together will all the saints on earth
Because He gave to me everything He had to give
I breathe
I see
I hope
I love
I live.
~"Because", Shawna Edwards, from the album "The Greatest Gift:EFY 2006"

Tranquila

2008-07-11T19:19:00.002-06:00

So apparently the Lord has several tricks up his sleeve to get me to calm down when I'm too hyper. ;) When I got back from Mexico and started to find out information so that Erik and could get married, I was rather excited. I mean, who wouldn't be? But I was so "up" that I wasn't really able to think clearly. When I asked the Lord about our original plan to get married in January, the impression I got was to "keep researching information". Shortly thereafter I came to a seemingly dead end financially. I wasn't able to get a student loan until after school started, which would keep us from being able to meet the August 1st deadline for the English program application. So, little by little, I became accustomed to the idea of April. I was okay with it.
Then, Tuesday (3 days ago), I woke up with the realization that I am officially a full-time student this summer. Between Study Abroad and the class I'm currently taking, I have 12 credit hours. So, on a whim, I went back to the Financial Aid office, just to see if I could take out a summer loan. Well, guess what... I need approximately $7000 to make this English program application deadline. And what am I qualified for? $7000. The Lord blessed me further by allowing someone to want to switch me work shifts for Tuesday night so that I could have the evening off and allow this new news to sink in. I spent over an hour on the phone organizing my thought with my mom, then I chatted with Erik. So....
The January English program idea is back on. And since I have such intelligent roommates who come up with smart ideas, the wedding will probably be the week before Christmas. I had planned on spending Christmas break in Mexico with Erik. However, it saves money and time if he just comes here. We can file for a vacation visa for him for next summer and go down to visit everyone then. Hopefully, his mom can come up with him - we've got to work on getting her a simple tourist visa. Then there's the whole matter of airfare... but we'll manage. I can't believe I might actually be getting married this year! And to an incredible man to boot. Wow! The Lord certainly, definitely, undeniably knows what He's doing.

Just Keep Swimming...

2008-07-06T13:37:00.003-06:00

So, it's been an eventful few weeks. The last thing I posted was about my recent engagement to an amazing man named Erik Torres. Don't worry, that's still in the picture. However, due to a lot of red tape and lack of funding, it seems that the wedding won't be happening until mid-April at the earliest. Our original plans were for January, but the August 1st deadline for the English program, and the lack of ability to gather the necessary funds until a later date, made the shift inevitable. At first, I had a rather hard time with the idea of an almost year long engagement. I was thinking I would fly down to Mexico for a nice visit during Christmas break, then bring my fiancee back with me, we'd get married, struggle for the first 10 years, but basically live happily ever after. Most of that is still going to happen... he'll just get here a few months later. It's taken some serious prayer, but the Lord has comforted me. After all, what's a few months as compared to eternity? And that's what Erik and I will have.
I know there are still some skeptics out there. I mean, it wasn't only a fast engagement, but a fast courtship. Having only been together for 3 weeks, is our relationship going to last the next 6 months without seeing each other? I answer unequivocally yes. It's true, a long distance relationship of this magnitude is a whole lot harder than I expected it to be. There are days when the doubts and discouragement creep in. But the Lord is mindful always. While the adversary is doing his best to make Erik and I fall, to give up, to say "This is too hard", the Lord is our support. We trust in Him.
I spent my first week back from Mexico working as a volunteer EFY counselor. Basically, for those of you not familiar with it, it's an LDS Church based youth program. There are overnight sessions at BYU where the counselors get paid, the kids sleep in the dorms, etc. Then there are the stay-at-home sessions. They're cheaper for the kids, the counselors are all volunteers, and the program runs Monday through Friday from 9am to 9pm. We spend the entire week teaching the kids how to apply the Gospel of Jesus Christ to their lives, make new friends, and feel the Spirit. It is an uplifting, testimony building experience for participants and counselors alike. Every night I would go home spiritually fed, my journal full of new insights that I would email to Erik. I know the Lord had his hand in that week. Much of what I heard was directly applicable to our relationship and the difficulties we are facing. Also, the Lord knew I'd need an extra spiritual boost to make it through the weeks and months to come.
Now I'm back to "real life". It seems that between 5 weeks in Mexico and a week of EFY, I got to kind of forget my normal life. And yet, the experiences I had in Mexico have become a part of my current reality. As much a fairy tale as my romance story seems, it is indeed a reality. I love Erik with all my heart. We keep in touch through email and telephone, and soon we'll have cameras attached to our computers so we can chat and see each other online. I really can't wait for Christmas.
In the meantime, I'm doing some more school. I have a class that starts tomorrow and runs for 2 weeks, 4 hours a day, Monday through Friday. In the evenings for those two weeks, I'll be picking up shifts where I can at Cafe Rio, a local "Mexican" food chain that I used to work for about a year ago. My first night back was this past Thursday, which, according to the manager on duty, was one of the busiest nights they've seen since last summer... good thing I was there! And good thing it all came back to me - like riding a bike, apparently you don't really forget. I turned into a machine for a few hours, answering call-in orders and typing them into one computer whilst ringing up in-house orders on the computer next to it. And smiling the whole while... yup! It was interesting. As much as I'm not thrilled to be working fast food again, I'm definitely grateful that I could find a job on short notice that will let me work for the next 2 months and be flexible with my schedule (especially since this 2 week class is from 1-5pm every day...).
So, the rest of my summer will basically consist of me working my tail off, finishing up another class, and taking a short weekend trip down to Orem/Provo area to hike Mount Timpanogos at the beginning of August. My Spanish skills and vocabulary are daily growing, as is Erik's English.

I'm looking forward to all of it though, as every minute and day that pass by bring me closer to a dream fulfilled - to kneel across the altar of the temple from the man who has captured my heart and to be bound to him for all eternity. To be able to put a date with that incredible day seems almost surreal, but infinitely beautiful. What a great blessing it is to have the gospel in my life, to know who I am (a daughter of God), why I'm here on earth (to become more like Him and to build an eternal family), and where I'm going (to return to live with God, and with my Erik forever). There is peace and assurance in the gospel. There is so much, much more. What a wonderous journey!

The Beginning of Happily Ever After

2008-06-09T11:49:00.002-06:00

So, I know a lot of you are curious, especially after many of you have seen random posted comments on Facebook. So, here's a little bit to sink your teeth into.
Two weeks ago, I went to church. I made some new friends. One of them was Erik Torres. The next day, I went to the Bishop's house to do some laundry. As it turns out, that's where Erik lives since he's here going to school. He walked me to the bus stop and kissed my cheek, as is the Latino custom upon parting or meeting. I got home and told my roommate that I'd felt something at that moment. A spark, I guess. Yesterday, Erik told me (and I hadn't said anything to him) that he'd felt the same way. Wow! Basically, it was love at first sight, only we didn't know it. Thursday night my friends and I all went to the Stake Singles Activity. I ended up talking to Erik a bit on the way home - we just hit it off well. I was really hoping to see him when I got to church on Sunday. My dad, stepmom, and sisters Susie and Rachel came to church with me on Sunday. Technically, they met him, if only for a second as we were leaving. I had a service project to go to so I didn't stick around after Sacrament meeting. I remember that when I told Erik I had to go he looked kind of bummed. ;)
Sunday night I wanted to go for a walk and I had the idea to invite him since the place I wanted to explore was across the street from his house. He wasn't home, so I just went with my roommate Kira. He called me back Sunday night, apologizing for not being home and inviting me to do something Monday. We ended up going for a walk Monday evening, just the two of us, up the canyon. We walked around and talked for over 3 hours. At one point, he asked if he could hold my hand. Once we got back to the Bishop's house for some water, he kissed me in the kitchen. On our way down to my house, he asked me to be his girlfriend. At every point in time, I felt calm and peaceful. Everything just felt so... normal. I mean, it's not every day that some beautiful Latino comes along and you actually feel completely comfortable around him. Most of the experiences I've had with Latino men have been less than favorable - at least, when they're whistling or hissing at me. Not cool. There were many good guys I met on the mission, but my heart was locked away and unavailable. Then, out of the blue, I start a new friendship. In truth, Monday night when I got home, I was under the impression that this relationship would probably just be a summer fling of sorts. I couldn't envision it going much further in a short two weeks. But the Lord had other ideas.
Tuesday I saw him for only a few minutes after school. We planned on getting together to do some touristing the next day with girls from my group. It was magical. We were standing on top of some old Aztec pyramids and I felt so safe. The picture in the previous blog entry was taken atop those pyramids. After we got home (this is Wednesday), I went to his house with my laptop and showed him pictures of my families, friends, etc. He told me about his family. At one point in the conversation, he asked if I thought I would like to be with him forever. I said I thought I would. This was day 3 of dating. We decided to give it a little more time so we could fast and pray. We did that this weekend. After we spent most of our freetime together Thursday and Friday, we had to go separate ways for most of Saturday. My group went on an excursion to a natural water park and he had to work. We started our fasts after lunch, separately. Sunday morning I went to church with him. After church, we talked about the feelings we'd had thus far with our fasts. We both felt calm and assured. We spent a few hours after church just talking and being together. As the time to end our fast approached, we walked up the hill to his house. We stopped off in the field where he had asked me to be his girlfriend on Monday. We found a spot hidden from sight and knelt in prayer.
Words cannot express the peaceful assurance I felt as I knelt in the evening sunshine with the man I have grown to love so deeply in such a short time. He prayed aloud, then I did. We petitioned the Father for understanding and knowledge that our decision to marry is in accordance with His will. To my mind was brought a memory from the night before. We had watched a movie with Kira. She dozed off and we were talking about marriage and the future. At one point, I felt something growing inside me - a desire to spend eternity with him. He had told me to close my eyes and imagine our future home, our children... Tears sprang to my eyes. How is it possible that such a good, righteous man could enter my life and change me so completely? As we knelt together in the warm sunshine, I remembered that feeling. I looked up into his eyes and saw it echoed there. His love for me was almost tangible. And coupled with the peace of the Spirit confirming our actions, my cup of happiness was almost overflowing.
Hand in hand we walked the rest of the way up to the Bishop's house where we thoroughly enjoyed the Hermana Portugal's lunch. I spent a little time calling my immediate family and some very close friends and letting them know that I was officially engaged. That's right. If you hadn't gathered it from what I just related, I'll spell it out. Erik Uriel Torres Salvador and Corinna Marlene Motola will be getting married, probably Decemberish after I graduate from Utah State.
My whole family was thrilled, excited and happy. For those of you who doubt and think that I must be insane, that I've only known Erik for two weeks, how could it ever work out, know this. Those that know me best, my family and my very best friends, and those who have been around me to see this relationship unfold, are all happy and fine with it. And most of all, so is the Lord. So often, we focus on the unhappiness and dark realities of this world we live in. As the headline to this blog declares, I am striving to find the good in this life and to share it. Fairy tales aren't just found in story books. Miracles aren't just something that happened to other people in times past. These things come to those who are ready and willing to find them. I am a romantic, as I've mentioned in a previous entry. Even though I can still be realistic, no matter what people told me, I have always believed I would find my Knight in Shining Armor, my Prince Charming, and that a wonderous story would unfold. True, I would have been just as happy if I had met him in Utah, dated for a while, and he had proposed one day. It still would have been a fairy tale to me. But for some reason, the Lord decided to give me something I thought I would only find in Hollywood films and romance novels. I have discovered that love at first sight does indeed happen. No, we didn't know when we met in Sunday school that we'd be engaged within two weeks. But he caught my attention and I his.
So, I want you all to know that I am more than just happy. I am loved, cherished, respected and cared for by a wonderful man. He is a worthy holder of the Priesthood. He will marry me in the holy temple of the Lord. He is my best friend, and I choose to spend the rest of eternity growing and progressing at his side. We build each other up. He makes me want to be a better person, and I him. I may speak Spanish well, but I have been blessed with the gift of tongues this past while. Not only am I able to communicate well with him, we can communicate so much more than words express. We can be completely open and honest with one another. The Lord knows that our time together right now is short and has allowed us to become very close in a short amount of time. This has served as a great builder of my testimony. The Gospel and the Church play an integral part in this relationship. He is a returned missionary. He was a good missionary. He loves the fact that I also served a mission. The gospel brought us together. The understanding we have of eternal principles has blessed us and allowed us to get to know each other as if this relationship had been growing for years. We have both been preparing ourselves, and the Lord has been guiding us. Since I like words so much, I feel to quote the lyrics of another favorite song that has been in my head lately.

Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

It's interesting. It has been a long time dream of mine to come back to Mexico. Is it just coincidence that I ended up coming with a program to Cuernavaca to the same school Erik felt prompted to attend? No. God truly blessed this road that has brought us together. It is all part of His grander plan for us. God truly knows us better than we know ourselves. Trust in Him and he will carry you along and give you blessings beyond your wildest dreams.

Living My Own Fairy Tale

2008-06-06T11:15:00.007-06:00

I am a romantic. I love sappy movies. I love LDS romance novels. I'm a daydreamer. I would often lull myself to sleep by thinking through possible scenarios for the dreams I have of the future. Yet there were times I worried that my dreams could never come true. Heavenly Father would have his hands full bringing romance into my life beyond my wildest dreams - my wildest dreams have been pretty amazing.
Well, the Lord has managed just fine. I shouldn't be surprised, after all, this is God I'm talking about. It's been an affirmation that he really and truly knows me better than I know myself.
No, I'm not old. I'm only 25. But by many LDS comparisons, I'm "getting up there". I've struggled to fight that image. I have thoroughly enjoyed my single life in Logan these past few years. I have amazing friends. I have had some defining growth experiences. I have so many friends and activities that I usually don't have time to focus on being lonely. Here in Mexico, I've had even less time to worry. When I got here, I was interested in persuing a relationship with a friend in Utah. Romance was far from my thoughts. I was back in a country that has affected many parts of my life, my personal culture. I've been wanting to come back since I lived here at 9 years of age. There were places to see, things to learn, Spanish to practice, memories to make. Little did I know what the Lord had in store.
Maybe it's due to the fact that I truly wasn't looking for anything. My mom has always told me that you have to let romance come to you rather than searching it out. I had been in the country a week, deepened friendships with the girls in my group, and gotten a little frustrated that the hope I had left in Utah hadn't responded to my emails. Our whole group decided to go see some ruins after Sacrament Meeting on our second Sunday. My "familia" had planned a family trip to a local museum, so my roommate Kira and I decided to stick around for that. Therefore, we were the only ones to attend Sunday School. I was enjoying myself, not only because Gospel Spanish vocabulary is a bit easier for me to understand, but I was also simultaneously translating for Kira. I don't know why, but I love translating! I was able to translate comments in class as well as make some of my own. I felt happy. And we made new friends - other single adults in the ward who invited us to their weekly salsa dance class. So, Thursday, we went with most of the other girls in our group and got our hips moving. On the way to catch the bus, I started chatting with Erik Torres, one of the locals. He's actually from the next state down, Guerrero, from Zihuatanejo. He's going to the same University as the rest of us, although I'd never seen him around (it's a small university, about two blocks or so for the main campus - even smaller than Snow College!). We became instant friends. By Sunday, even though I hadn't seen him since Thursday night, I realized that I had a bit of a crush on him. But my group left right after Sacrament again, and this time I went along since we were doing a service project. Monday afternoon, Erik called me at home to see if I wanted to go for a walk. It's such a small world. I had found out that weekend that I was living just down the road from the house I had lived in here as a child. I had mentioned it to Erik and he wanted to accompany me to look around. We spent about 3 hours walking and talking. At one point, he asked if he could hold my hand. It was sweet. By the time we returned to the Bishop's house for some water, we had our arms around each other. He kissed me in the kitchen while the Bishop's wife tiptoed past, a smirk on her face and a twinkle in her eye. He walked me down the hill to my house. We stopped in an open field to watch a scenic sunset. He told me he thought he would like to be my boyfriend, and would I like that too? My answer, although seemingly surprising since I had met him barely a week earlier, was that I was fine with that idea. Interestingly enough, I felt totally comfortable with him. So, for the past 5 days, I have had a boyfriend.

I have felt happy, content, loved, respected (more so than by any other man I've ever dated), and overall, peaceful. Our relationship is developing quickly. Maybe it's the sense of urgency because I'll only be in the country for another 2 weeks. On Monday, my thoughts were that this relationship would probably not end up being anything more than a nice "summer fling". But by Tuesday, even though I had only been able to see him for a few minutes, I knew that me leaving the country would not be the end.
I'm not quite sure what the future holds for me. But I feel fairly certain there's a "happily ever after" out there with my name on it. Now, I am realistic. I know we will face many difficulties and challenges. Part of that is the fact that we live in two different countries. Another large part is that we're both poor college students... But I can also see so many blessings tied in. I have been incredibly blessed with the gift of tongues. My Spanish vocabulary, as good a handle as I have on the language, is still lacking. However, communication with Erik has been on a higher plane. He understands the meaning behind my words. I am able to express myself with words I've heard once. My language has grown in the past 5 days. We live close to each other - within walking distance in a large city. His decision to come study in Cuernavaca was almost a whim. But he felt right about it. We both caught each other's attention the first time we met at church. Above all, we just feel at peace about what's going on. Yes, it has been 5 days since we started dating. But I love this sweet, gentle, simple, humble man more than I ever thought possible. As one of my favorite songs says, "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you". I am a princess, my prince has found me. I am finally recognized for the worth I have - I feel beautiful. So, for all of you hopefuls, fairy tales really do exist in real life. And if you believe it enough, the Lord can and will bring you a reality beyond your wildest dreams. What an amazing gift! What an incredible blessing to understand the fount from which all my blessings come. Life is beautiful.

On the Right Path

2008-06-01T20:43:00.002-06:00

This week I'm feeling particulary grateful for the gospel in my life. I have so many, many blessings because of it. This week I made some new friends. As part of one of my USU classes, we're supposed to sign up for Club Amigo - something the local university does to get locals and foreigners together so you can be friends and help each other out with language skills. I've met my "amigo", but haven't managed to get together with him yet. However, I have still spent plenty of time with locals, thanks to my involvement in the Church. I am in a foreign country, in a different city, and yet, because I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, there exists a certain brotherhood/sisterhood. I went to a local ward last Sunday, met some single adults my age, hung out with them a few times, and now I know that we're going to friends for a good long time.
Sacrament meeting this morning was beautiful. I'm used to my student ward where there's a mad rush to be able to bear your testimony on Fast Sunday. Family wards tend to have lots of silent time it seems. Not this one. There was no time lost, and all the testimonies were pure, simple and to the point. I had a hard time keeping my voice from cracking a few times while I simultaneously translated for my roommate Kira. Oh how I love this gospel! I can't even find the words to explain it right now. I guess the easiest way is to say that I know I'm on the right path at the moment. At this point in life (spiritually and geographically speaking), I am where I need to be. My testimony has been affirmed, I feel happy and content. There are so many blessings, many of which are the names of dear friends, that bring joy and excitement to my life. I would be utterly lost without the guidance of the Spirit. I know that God's plan for me is still progressing. I am growing oh so much. There is yet much to learn, but the journey is a joy! I feel quite at home here in Mexico, especially here in Cuernavaca. Mostly it's because of my Gospel connections. I have friends with the same values and standards as I do. I have people I know I can rely on. And constantly, I have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, guiding me, teaching me, expanding my understanding. Life is indeed beautiful.

Just in case one wasn't enough

2008-05-27T19:48:00.002-06:00

As you who read this blog on a regular basis have noticed, I've changed it around a little. Don't worry, the content is all the same. I thought this format would enhance readability. Also, as you will see at the top of the sidebar, there is a link for a collection of my writings. That's right, I have another blog! I decided to give wordpress.com a try. I'll admit, it's not as easy to use as blogger, but it serves my purposes for having a place to put stories, poems, essays, and other things I write that I don't want to clutter up my personal blog. This one is more of a journal - a place to bear my testimony and share my thoughts. But my writing is also a part of who I am. There's not much there yet, since I have managed to delete most of my stuff off my computer (so I'll have to get it all back on here when I get back to Logan). But there is a short story, a poem, and an essay (which is in Spanish, for those of you who can understand it) to start you off with. I love comments, so don't be shy in letting me know what you think!

Bits and Pieces

2008-05-25T13:09:00.009-06:00

Throughout the week, I've taken a few minutes here and there to jot down ideas that I wanted to share. This entry might seem to jump around a little for the first while, so be warned. The ideas aren't necessarily related, and yet, since they all tie into the fact that I'm learning so much during my time here, they are closely knit.

I have rather mixed feelings about humidity. One the one hand, my hair is a frizzy tangle. One the other hand, my hands are happy – dry, cracked and rough only 3 days ago, they now feel soft and smooth, as if I’d been using an intensive moisturizing treatment. In a sense, I have. The air. It’s been overcast and rainy most of this week. Supposedly, last week was a scorcher, so everyone seems happy. I don’t mind too much. It’s still beautiful.
Another random thing is I’ve decided that soft water really does exist. No matter what we put into water tanks and such in Utah, we have hard water, pure and simple. Here, when I put my face into the shower spray, it just feels gentler, and it has nothing to do with water pressure. It feels almost creamy. That probably doesn’t make much sense to most of you. It’s hard to explain – however, if you’ve ever experienced truly “soft water”, you’ll understand.
I found another connection to my past. Like the pelican in the symbol for the Pelikan supermarkets, another animal has bridged the gap. As I was walking up to my room, I glanced at the pots and plants on the balcony at the side of the stairs. Previously unnoticed sits a small plantar pot shaped like a turtle.

Turtles are connected with quite a few memories. I had a small turtle shaped pin from who knows where. It had no sentimental value, but I thought it was “cute”, so I had it pinned to my shirt. We were visiting some pyramid or another (hey, when you’re 8 they all look pretty much the same) and a man passed by selling turtle shaped flutes/whistles. I wanted one, but there was no money for such trivialities. However, the system of trade and barter still exists in full force down here. The man offered to trade one of his turtles for mine, and I gladly acquiesced.
Another turtle from my Mexican past is our bench. Sadly, he never got a name. For years, the “turtle bench” was hauled from room to room. Sturdy and amiable, it is the perfect height for someone to sit on to have their hair done, or to get something just out of reach, or to see over a sibling’s head while watching TV. A few years ago, Susie and Becky started talking about who got to inherit it someday. My mom decided to put an end to that. She commissioned a carpenter friend to make 5 – one for each child. So I now have my own turtle bench, affectionately dubbed “Melvin” or “Crush” for short (don’t ask – it was a random, spur of the moment naming decision – but he does look like a Melvin).
Finally, there is a real turtle associated with my history. Tugie came from Mexico (or at least somewhere near the border). Originally there were 5 small turtles. We had often seen groups of these hard-shelled animals crossing the roads. So, Dad decided we could all have a live souvenir. Tugie was the only survivor of the road trip back to Utah. Mom loved to paint Tugie’s nails bright pink. Sometimes, she would even dab a design on her back (which somehow washed off rather quickly). At the time, we lived in downtown Salt Lake in a small house. Not much room for a slow-moving turtle. So, Mom had a hold drilled in the edge of her shell (no nerves there – like fingernails) and attached a waffle block with a small chain. Tugie roamed the backyard. But we could always find her by locating the bright yellow block sticking out of the ground. One day, the broken chain and block were found lying in the grass. Tugie had disappeared into the annals of Mexican turtle history.

On Friday, some of us went to a museum. It was the home of an American man named Robert Brady. He collected artifacts – sculptures, artwork, etc. – from all over the world. When he died in 1986, he asked that his home be turned into a museum. It was an interesting tour (see some of the pictures in my Facebook album). There was a lot of nice stuff, and a lot that didn’t interest me at all. My professors seemed to glean a lot more from it that I did. But it wasn’t until my roommate, Kira, and I were on our way home that something happened that really impacted me.
A girl and her boyfriend stopped us on the street. Susana and Armando wanted to interview us about our perceived differences in culture and religion. She was thrilled that I speak Spanish, and what followed was a very unique conversation. All her questions were detailed to bring out what my impressions were of Mexico as I’m seeing it now. She asked how my religion differed from that of the local majority. Between Kira and I, we were able to answer her questions. But more than that, I started really thinking about what I’m doing here. True, I’m technically here to study Spanish and ESL strategies. But I keep finding opportunities to open my mouth and share the good news I’ve been blessed to know about. For the first few questions, Susana wrote a lot, trying to get my thoughts down on paper so she could review them later. Once we got to the religion questions, she hardly wrote anything down. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to hear it, rather, she seemed to be hanging onto what I said. She asked probing questions, causing me to open up more than I probably would have. It’s not easy to be a casual representative of an entire culture/faith/etc., even if it’s only for one person. After the interview, as Kira and I walked along discussing it, we thought of several other things that I wish we had mentioned. One in particular – but hey, since this is my blog, I’ll mention it here. One question that Susana asked me was what major differences I saw between my religious symbols and practices and those of the dominant local religion. I talked about our focus on living according to our beliefs, not just professing them. However, as I realized afterwards, there is something even larger. Our church focuses on the Living Christ and His resurrection, while many others focus more on His death and crucifixion. How did I manage to forget such an important principle?

As I was reading my scriptures today, I realized that I haven’t been “opening my mouth” as I should be. True, many of the experiences I’ve had here so far have been colored by mission memories, but more memories of location and culture rather than gospel teaching. I’m determined to change that. My mamá here has been asking lots of questions. Last night over a game of Phase 10, I was able to explain a bit of the Word of Wisdom, the principle of agency, and even issue an invite to church. It felt good. She has hosted Utah girls before, and it seems her interest has been sparked. She told me we’re “different” than the girls she hosts from other places. I’m glad. Another prospective missionary/testimony bearing opportunity is my Hispanic-American literature class. I’m apparently talkative no matter what language I’m using. My lit teacher appreciates it. The other 6 students have little to say, and expend a lot of mind power simply comprehending what the discussion topic is rather than trying to think about the topic and respond with their own opinion. So, when I offer my opinion, which often contrasts quite a bit with what we’re discussing, the teacher is thrilled. My first bit of real homework consists of an essay (written in Spanish, of course) on a poem that we read. The poem is basically about one woman’s view of how men blame women for the faults that they themselves impose upon women (this was written back in the 1600’s when women were more property than anything else). One theme is that of human nature. So, as my essay topic, I’ve chosen to expound on what human nature is (the “natural man”) in contrast with our inherent divine nature. I’m only about a page into the paper (not due until Tuesday), but I’m loving it. I’ve already started discussing the meaning of truth (Truth is that which does not change. Truth is eternal). It’s using some serious brain power to think deeply on the topic I’ve chosen and present it well. The fact that I’m thinking in Spanish as I write it tends to limit my vocabulary a little (which I go back and change as I reread and translate into English as I go). I’ll let you know what my professor thinks. Either way, I’m enjoying bearing my testimony and learning more about what I can do.

Finally, church today was wonderful. Kira and I were the only ones in our group to stay for all 3 meetings. The others went on an excursion with our professors (but since our familia is going to a museum later on, we opted out of going). I spent most of my time translating for Kira, something I love to do. It took a little while to get back into the swing of simultaneous translation, but once I got going, it was great. I was even able to make my own comments in Sunday School. We definitely made some new friends – the young single adults invited us to every activity they’re having in the next 3 weeks. I love how friendly and loving the Saints are here! So many people came up to us to just say hi and welcome us. I need to remember to be more like that back home in Utah. Life in Mexico is amazing so far. I truly feel at home in many ways – maybe due to the time I spent in Venezuela. But I think that a lot of it is that I have things to do, I’m needed, I have friends and a “familia”, and the gospel is never far away. What a wondrous world we live in!

Local Architecture

2008-05-24T19:27:00.004-06:00

So, my mom always worries about me if she can't "picture" where I'm at. I try to explain, but words don't quite cut it. Even photos sometimes fail to capture the depth of a place. The best way to understand is to be there. Unfortunately, all my friends and family couldn't very easily fit into my suitcase. So, here's the next best thing... a video "tour" of my house here in Mexico. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T2OKcBaJ6k

Impressions and Comparisons

2008-05-19T20:40:00.007-06:00

I hate starting writing assignments. Besides the personal journal that I have written in almost every day for the past decade or so, there is this blog. On top of that, as part of my Study Abroad homework, I get to keep a journal detailing my Mexican education and it's impact on my views of teaching. Such is life. Good thing I like writing. Yet I have noticed an interesting connection between life and my journal styles. I always want to start off with something creative and original that grabs the attention. So I try a few sentences, erase them all, and end up with something more on the boring side. My personal journals tend to echo the nuances of real life more. There are expectations and ideals, but in the end, you just jump in, and start moving. That’s how Mexico has been so far. There were expectations – shadowy fragments of memories from a decade and a half ago awaiting revisitation, hopes of what could be accomplished, and dreams of new adventures – all combined with the realities as I stepped off the plane. Thrust into a “new” world, there was no real prelude. As with most things in life, one moment you’re doing one thing, the next, another. You just keep going. You take each moment as it comes. At least half of the success in life comes from daring to begin (it seems I heard that somewhere once).

So, here I am, sitting in a darkened bedroom at 8:30pm on a hillside in Cuernavaca (yes, our house is blessed with wireless internet connection… oh yeah). So far, my expectations haven’t been too far off. While most of the slippery memories of my time here as a child are hardly applicable, there are a few that have stood out. Saturday night we all (my roommates and local familia) went to the store. We went to the Mega Pelicano. That orange bird still hangs in my memory of bygone days. Somehow, that seemingly meaningless connection with my past made this journey a little more “authentic”. Most of the connections I have made are pointed in a more recent direction. It has been fascinating to find many similarities between the current Mexico I am experiencing and the recent Venezuela I came to love. For one, the buses. I remember in Venezuela that one of the most important things was to learn how to get from place to place. True, we did a lot of walking in those days, but in certain areas, the public transportation system was quite adequate. And like Mexico, you had to find out which route passed where simply by asking or by experience. There is no such thing as a printed bus schedule. You stand somewhere along the route, wait for the right bus to come along that will take you to your destination, and pay as you mount. And make sure they give you the right amount of change… just because you don’t look native doesn’t mean you can’t do math! I love the feeling of freedom that comes with being able to manage with the local transportation. I feel so much like I'm a missionary again. I even have a companion! Kira Broadhead is my roommate. We know each other from several education classes. She's never studied Spanish before, so this has been a little interesting for her. But she's gung ho for trying new things. Our group went to a local tiangui on Saturday (open air market). The only thing I bought was a quarter kilo of tamarind, a Mexican fruit. Some of the other girls were rather reticent to try any, but Kira thought it was great. (I'm starting to remember the differences in measurement. A half kilo of tamarind was a whole lot more than I thought it would be... I had to have the girl cut it in half again...) I feel myself slipping easily back into my "trainer" role from the mission. I currently have the keys and since I understand a lot more of what's going on, take the lead. But I fully plan on slowly letting Kira take things over, just like I did with my new companions. She's an absolute sweetheart and we get along great!

Another similarity between this new world and those of my memory is the color. While the architecture is stylistically different, proceeding from a different influence, the bright colors of nearly every building, the graffiti, the ads simply painted on the walls – they all speak the same language. They all tell me I’m not in Kansas anymore. Also, the myriad of faces as I walk down a crowded street. Most are dark, weather-worn, lived in. The shriveled old men and women still sit along the sidewalks hawking their wares, surviving my minimums. Wearing colorful native outfits, young and old pick you out of the crowd, hoping you’ll purchase something and they’ll have fuller bellies tonight. The young wander about, doing as instructed by parents and caretakers, their resiliency still intact. A young boy delighted to feed the ducks begs his mother for another cracker.

A small girl leans forward to drink from a spigot, her big brother carefully watching over her. A mother asks a group of white girls if her son can have his picture taken with them. The variety is incredible. While each person faces so many similar challenges, there is an aura of individuality among them. Odd. I would think that they would all start to blend together. But no. It seems that the more exposed I am, the more I can see that each individual’s difficulties and problems, combined with their unique strengths and abilities, is a resource to enrich the lives of anyone who cares to see.

Okay, so that's probably a lot of the teacher in me, attempting to wax poetic... at least. But it has been a colorful experience in just a few days. My "familia" is great. Mama and Papa are so cute together. They have two daughters - Paulina is 17 and Jessica is 15 (as of Sunday). Mama is a great cook, and with my deep seated love of Mexican food, I'm a happy recipient. Of course, I did bring a can of my favorite salsa... my mom found that humorous - I'm going to Mexico, and I'm taking a can of salsa. But really, is it any wonder, with my affinity for spicy food? My Mexican Papa is also a spicy afficionado - we get along well. :)

So, things are going well, to say the least. There are moments when I am a little homesick. I've gotten used to my routines and surroundings up in Logan. I've become a bit of a homebody. This adventure will be good for me. I think a lot of it is the comfort and connection I feel with those around me in Logan. I am a part of something. I know who I am there. Here, I have to rediscover me. That isn't necessarily a bad thing - it's just different. But change is a part of life, and adaptability is essential. I am becoming more me for being here, for living.

I'll keep you posted on happenings when I can. Here is a link to my Facebook album where I will be storing photos... at least the first 60 (which is all you can post in one album). As I add more pictures, I'll post further links for you to see them. And yes, they have captions. I love you all!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=50781&l=a035f&id=586680464

Natural Highs

2008-05-12T15:59:00.009-06:00

Here are a few more things to add to my list of "Summer Memories"

~Charcoal hot dogs and campfire smoke.
~Stacking boxes and tubs higher than I can reach.
~Dancing...
~Amazing friends who move washers and dryers from one city to another and up and down stairs.
~Hugging my mom.
~Laughing with Elder Motola, currently a Canadian missionary.
~Eating "sushi".
~Sisters... enough said. ;)
~Good, clean fun from good, clean entertainment.
~Quality conversation with good friends.

Yup. Life is good. This weekend was great. I spent all day Saturday with my friends Khirsta, Kylara and Bryan helping organize and move some of my mom's stuff. There's still a bit to be done, so hopefully I can do more this week before I skedaddle off to Mexico for a month. We played musical cars, and I ended up going back and forth between Logan and Orem twice. But it was all worthwhile. I have amazing friends wherever I am that don't hesitate to help - wonderful examples of chivalry, service and charity. How did I get so blessed?

So I've got to get the Relief Society organized, do some more substitute teaching, transplant my tomatoes and serranos, pack, and enjoy my life some more, all before Friday morning! I'm sure I'll manage. Next entry: Mexico revisited!

These are the Days

2008-05-08T09:23:00.014-06:00

I know, I should post more pictures. I really need to find my extra rechargeable batteries and get snap happy. Oh well. I'm just more of a writer.
This week has been interesting so far. Last night, as I reflected back on the previous few days, I realized that I want this summer to crawl by. These are those halcyon days of summer, surrounded by friends, loved ones, and adventures, that I will remember forever. These are the days dreams are made of. There are so many "snapshots" in my head.

~Relaxing on the grass at Adam's Park after a FHE of Ultimate Frisbee and Kickball (and accidentally pegging my friend Jani in the nose with the frisbee.
~Lounging in my hammock in the warm spring sunshine.
~Vacuuming the sawdust off my roommate's clothes as she sands down her desk.
~Chatting it up in Spanish with roomies (our house is a Spanish-only dwelling this summer - or at least it is when there are only Spanish speakers present).
~Watching the miracle as tiny seeds sprout up into plants (that will soon provide me the necessities to make salsa!).
~Peacefully pondering in the temple while I do proxy initiatories for the first time (with my own family names!).
~Funny looks from other drivers as my roommate, Alice, and I cruise around Provo in her brother's old GMC pickup, loaded down with couches, all "neatly" strapped down under a blue tarp.
~Looking around my newly refurbished living room... the couches, rug, massage chair... they match!
~Visiting with old friends from bygone days.
~Reading in English while roommates watch a Spanish telenovela (soap opera).
~Hiking in the rain and the mud - wishing I could fly out into the mist.
~Standing around with a grey tarp draped over our heads telling "rain stories".
~Solving random story problems on a white board.
~Looking around at the faces of people who matter to me at this point in time and wondering where we'll all be in a few years.
~Feeling the peace of the Spirit as I kneel in prayer with my friends.

There are so many memories in the making. I wish I could hold onto these moments forever. Yet something beckons me onward. There are more memories to make. More lessons to learn. There are people missing from the current scenes - people who are beginning to make a difference in my life, and people who will yet impact me. There are many adventures left to me, both this summer and beyond. Part of me is in a hurry to find the next one. But that still small voice keeps whispering, reminding me to open my eyes and heart and take in the moments I'm in. Showing me that every moment is a gift, every memory can be a treasure. I have been blessed by the Gospel in my life. I have incredible, talented and trusted friends. I have loving parents, brothers, and sisters. I have wonderful grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. I know who I am, I know that I matter in the eternal scheme of things. Me, one so insignificant in comparison to all of God's wondrous creations. I matter. I can make a difference. As I filter through the memories I have locked in my mind, I see the faces of so many - people who make a difference in my life, who are part of who I am. We all shape one another. We are all connected. We are all children of Heavenly Parents. This life is not happenstance. There is a rhyme and a reason to each piece. I can only scratch the surface of all that is and all that is meant to be, but I am still an integral part of it. So I will continue to make memories. I will continue to give thanks for the bounteous blessings I enjoy. And forever, I will remember these days.

J-O-Y

2008-05-01T08:05:00.002-06:00

So many of my friends are stressing out this week because of finals and getting things done before the semester officially ends. I feel a little guilty that the extent of my finals was putting together a basic portfolio of some of the things I learned and did in my 1st grade classroom. I kept it simple, it took some time, but it wasn't a total brain bender. I wish there were more I could do to help my friends... I mean, I can't take their tests for them, for the most part, I can't help them study. I want to be more helpful. Sister Joyce, the local mission president's wife, gave us a formula for joy last year. She said that "joy" is an acronym. It stands for "Jesus-Others-Yourself". That's the order our priorities should be in. Over the past few days, since I haven't been working, I've had time to till up my garden (I'll be transplanting some tomatoes and serrano peppers right before I leave for Mexico), wash my car (inside and out), attack the mold that likes to grow in our bathroom, find homes for our soon to be spare couches and washer and dryer, clean and organize my room, and fix up my bike. I have spent time outdoors just admiring the beauty of God's creations. I've had extra time to study the Book of Mormon and the life of the Savior. But I'm having a hard time figuring out how to serve others. As I look around at the myriad of friends I have here in Logan, I am almost overwhelmed. So many wonderful people, all of whom have touched my life. I can truly say that I love them.
In Relief Society on Sunday we talked about service and some "simple" ways to serve. One thing I've been focusing on is praying, by name, for those I know who are stressed, worried, or just plain in need of some uplift. I'm working on giving sincere compliments, which requires taking time to notice the little things (I have some friends who are excellent examples of doing this... thanks!). Last night, I invited a bunch of ward friends over to take a break and relax a little. We watched "August Rush". It got me thinking. There is music out there for all of us. There is beauty if we want to find it. There is ugliness too. But if we take time to find the beauty, and then share it with those around us, the whole world is a brighter place. I found a quote by President Hinckley that explains this well.
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey...delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
Doesn't that just go along well with my last post? It seems there are these parallels at times in our lives. There are certain themes that pop up over and over again, trying to teach us something. Hmmmm... Now, if only I can figure out what I'm supposed to be learning here.

Anything virtuous, lovely...

2008-04-14T10:48:00.009-06:00

I discovered yesterday that problems just melt away when you have sunshine on your shoulders, in your soul, etc. It had been a rollercoaster weekend. Yet somehow, as I walked around town in the early morning sun, walking to and from the Logan Tabernacle for Stake Conference, back again after a choir fireside, and sat swinging in my Venezuelan hammock, the warmth of that celestial sphere managed to brighten up the darkened corners of my spirit and cause the shadows to flee. The delicious daylight allowed the deepening of a friendship with a new friend. Under this luminous layout, the world was a happier place, and God's hand was easy to see. True, His hand is always visible, if only we take time to look. Still, it's just that much more evident on a beautiful spring Sunday. We are truly blessed to be here on this earth - so much beauty and joy. We just have to take the time to soak it into our souls.

Like I mentioned, it was a rollercoaster of a weekend. This morning, as I puttered around in the kitchen, preparing my crockpot for dinnertime, I had my music playing. The lyrics of one song caught me with their verity.

Life ain't always beautiful

Sometimes it's just plain hard

Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful

You think you're on your way

And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful

Tears will fall sometimes

Life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride

No, life ain't always beautiful

But I know I'll be fine

Hey, life ain't always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride

What a beautiful ride

("Life Ain't Always Beautiful" by Gary Allan)

One Friday I attended a Religion in Life seminar. The speaker, Brother Phillip Barlow, talked about 10 "commandments" for keeping life and learning balanced. The last one he mentioned was "Don't forget the 13th Article of Faith", which partially states that, "If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." He reminded us that as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we do not have a monopoly of goodness or truth. We need to be aware of the good things out there in the rest of the world. So, even if it's the lyrics of a popular country song, there are things out there that can uplift and build a testimony of the gospel. I am an optimist at heart. There are times when life doesn't seem so beautiful, when my heart gets bruised, when the tears fall. But these moments have shaped me into who I am becoming. They are a part of me. As long as I allow these experiences to strengthen me and make me wiser, as long as I allow the Light of Christ to shine through and illuminate the truth and goodness of every situation, I will become who I want to be. It's all about keeping an eternal perspective - about looking for the hand of God in every moment, no matter how difficult - about finding the silver lining on every cloud no matter how dark it is. No, life ain't always beautiful, but it is a beautiful ride, especially with Christ at the helm!

Realizing What Really Matters

2008-04-11T15:46:00.003-06:00

Today I realized that not only was I taking something for granted, but that when it was denied me, I discovered how important it is to me. I had a good morning - I didn't sleep in too late, I cleaned house, got some things done, and went to the Religion in Life seminar with an old friend. I came home, showered and drove down to the temple, planning on doing initiatories for the handful of family names I have. I was feeling peaceful, thoughtful and ready to keep on moving. As I walked across the parking lot to the front doors of the beautiful building, I took a look at my temple recommend. I blame myself. I've thought about going quite a few times lately - not only to do my initiatory names, but just to go to the temple. I've never felt that I got what I should out of the experience though. (Which is, of course, my own fault.) So, even though I meet with the bishop almost every week, and have a monthly interview to discuss the Relief Society, I managed to completely space the fact that my recommend expired 11 days ago.
Partially, I feel embarassed. Tomorrow morning at 6am is a Stake endowment session... I only hope I can track down my bishop and Stake President tonight. But it's more than just thinking I'll be excluded from going with my ward friends. At this moment, I am not able to enter the House of the Lord. I am denied access through my own procrastination. The fact that simply not being able to go spend a few minutes within those holy walls today has upset me immensely. True, I can probably fix the problem before the day is out. But to know that those blessings are out of my reach for even a moment makes me appreciate them all the more. I needed the added peace that I do feel within those walls - and to not be able to find it is a bitter pill. So, suffice it to say, I've gained a new appreciation for one of the blessings I have lately not counted among the many I have. I need to be more grateful and conscious of my blessings...

On Top of the World

2008-04-06T22:41:00.004-06:00

For starters, I love General Conference. (For those of you who don't know what it is, it's a biannual conference broadcast to the entire world where the speakers are the modern day prophets, apostles and general Priesthood leaders of God on earth.) Today, one of the speakers talked about how we could use things such as blogs to clear up misconceptions about our religion, and also as a tool to help others come to a knowledge of the truth. I have posted my testimony in some of the other entries on this blog, but here is the succinct version. This is what I wrote in my study journal after listening to President Thomas S. Monson's address this morning: "Today, I feel to sing the song of redeeming love. I know that my Redeemer lives!"
Adding this feeling to everything else that's going on in my life lately, and I'm definitely on top of the world. The adversary has tried to pull me down, but I'm not going to let him. I'm climbing to new heights, and that doesn't mean I have to go back down to where I was. This weekend is a good illustration.
Friday I had an all day field trip with the 1st grade class I'm currently working with. It was tiring, but quite enjoyable. I love those kids! They are all so unique, and even though they're only 6-7 years old, they have so much personality. I've only been in their class for 3 weeks, but I love them. After school, as I was rearranging the classroom and getting it ready for Monday, I got a call from the man that I am currently interested in. He asked me out again (our first date was last weekend, and it was amazing!). Needless to say, that put me in a great mood. When I got home from school and checked my email, I found out that my Venezuelan mission president was in Utah (last year he was called as an Area Authority 70, so he came for the sustaining of the new president of the Church), and we were having a mission reunion! I got my stuff together and headed down to Highland (about 20 minutes north of Orem/Provo). It was great to see my "hijas" (sister missionaries I trained on the mission) and my "mama" (the sister who trained me), as well as give my president and his wife big hugs. The reunion included the two presidents previous to mine, which were both in attendance. All three are General Authorities, so they had spent the day in meetings with the new First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. Me sitting at their feet and being uplifted was an inspiring experience. I realized that the Lord really and truly comes first in my life. Before family, before aspiring relationships, before me. My testimony of my Savior and my relationship with Him is the most important possession I have. There are many moments of happiness in my life. But those moments when I feel the Holy Spirit touch my spirit, and I feel to commune with my Redeemer, those are the moments that I feel true joy. Those are the moments when I "feel to sing the song of redeeming love". Those are the moments that define who I am and who I will become.
So, Saturday and today, as I watched and listened to God's chosen prophets on the earth, I felt my testimony grow more. I am following the faith of my Father in Heaven. I am not perfect - not by a long shot. And I won't be in this life. But I will continue progressing. I will continue to grow in the image of Him by whom I was created.

The Winding Road to Somewhere

2008-03-30T21:16:00.006-06:00

Lately, people have been asking me one of The College Student Questions - When do you graduate. The answer is sneaking up on me. I graduate in December, and I have no idea what I will be doing afterwards. The year 2009 seems like a gaping void on the horizon of my future. However, it doesn't seem to terrify me like I would expect it to. I mean, I'm the type of person who revamps her 5 year plan every couple days. I like to know what I'm up to down the road. True, I have tentatively decided to stay in Logan and find a job teaching once I graduate, but how successful will that be? There are so many, many, many things that could happen between now and December.

A couple weeks ago, as I was skimming through the March Ensign magazine, scouting for something to share with a sister I Visit Teach, the following paragraph veritably jumped out at me. It was then repeated yesterday by my Home Teachers, as well as used by my roommates Visiting Teachers... Hmm... I have already shared that same quote in a previous blog (by President Hinckley). It seems to be something the Lord is waiting for me to take into my soul, a tender mercy to comfort me.

This is why I'm not stressed about next year. Besides a bit of wonder about what to do with my housing contract if I end up leaving, I know I'll be fine. I'm in good hands and the Lord will let me in on what I need to know when I need to know it. I guess He figures I'm too good (or bad) at jumping to conclusions when given the tiniest hint of information, so He's trying to keep me sane for the time being. (I think.) Meanwhile, the adversary is doing what he can to try and upset me. He doesn't want me to be happy. Something good must be on the horizon. ;)

Stagnant Waters Still Flow

2008-03-16T21:08:00.000-06:00

(This first part was started on February 27) Do you ever have those times when you feel like you're not really going anywhere? When the hum-drum monotony of everyday becomes more than just a routine - it becomes proof that you're stuck in a rut? I am one who likes to plan ahead. At the moment, I have a few activities to look forward to: Spring Break in a couple weeks, Study Abroad in Mexico from May to June, EFY counseloring this summer. Then my life gets insane for another 4 months while I do my student teaching. And then what? I have absolutely no idea. As of December, my life is up in the air. True, a lot could happen in the next 10 months. A lot has happened in the previous 10. Yet for some reason I still feel stuck, stagnant and stale. I know there is so much I still need to learn, so much I want to do. Yet I can't seem to push through my current quagmire of unfinished projects, lack of organization and space, and the feeling that something needs to change. There are moments that I feel I'm on the edge of something great - some big happening that will change everything. There are other moments I feel I'm just being overly hopeful and simply engaging in wishful thinking.
(Written today) Since writing the above, I have had a bit of a Spring Break. It was still busy, but I got to spend time with family and stop focusing so much on myself and my problems. It's amazing how seeing what others are going through brings your own life into perspective. I still feel a bit stagnant, but full of hopeful expectations. There's a reason I am an Eternal Optimist.
In the past few days I have had much time for pondering. It seems that there are patterns popping up all over the place. Memories that suddenly surface are being reinforced by others around me. For example, a story that I had once heard, which I call the Parable of the Pearl Necklace, had been part of a conversation I had with my mom on Saturday morning. Today in church, that same story was told, albeit with different applications than those it originally had for me. It made me remember that there is indeed purpose and organization to this chaotic life of mine, and that ultimately, while I am responsible for myself and my actions, I'm not in charge of what happens. As I put my trust in Him who knows me better than I know myself, I am guided along. Sometimes, my impatience bubbles over, leaving me feeling at a loss for direction. Yet He never forgets me. Inevitably, He will send some reminder of my divine nature, that all will be well (eventually), and that "this too shall pass". I found something in this month's Ensign (LDS Church magazine) that seems to echo this sentiment. President Hinckley (modern prophet that passed away recently), in his First Presidency Message, said,
"We know not all that lies ahead of us. We live in a world of uncertainty. For some, there will be great accomplishment. For others, disappointment. For some, much of rejoicing and gladness, good health, and gracious living. For others, perhaps sickness and a measure of sorrow. We do not know. But one thing we do know. Like the Polar Star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives. He is the rock of our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the very focus of our faith. In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us."
There are so many times that I feel my own inadequacies trying to pull me down - trying to convince me that I can never be enough. But as Nephi of old, I echo, "I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support." This life is not easy, nor will it be. God will provide a way for us to accomplish what he commands us to do. He will not test and try us beyond our ability to endure. With God, all things are indeed possible. However, let us not forget that we can only accomplish his commands, pass through our trials, and have all possibilities open to us, if we trust in Him, and allow Him to guide us. Without Him, we will surely fail. With Him, we will succeed, and glory be to God for this blessing.

When words don't quite cut it

2008-02-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

I do like words. There have been words that have influenced my life in many ways. They have made me cry, made me laugh, made me think, made me want to be a better person. I have had moments where I had so much bottled up inside that I just needed a way to spit it all out, and words have allowed me to do so. I have often had such moments where, upon rereading the words that ended up on paper, I could tell that a higher power had helped me put them there. Sometimes, words just don't cut it though. More is needed -- a hug, a look, a smile. Yet I've learned that if we take the best of the words we have around us, coupled with determination, inspiration and desire, we can mold them to tell a story that will affect others in often unseen ways.
Years ago, I made friends with a family. My own life had many struggles, and they were my sanity. That love goes back and forth. I remember feeling lost and unable to help my grieving loved ones as one of their own was taken from them soon after our friendship began. I remember feeling closer and more a part of the sorrow following the tragic circumstances around the passing of another family member who had only been on earth a short time. And now, I am determined to be strong and serve as well as I can with the passing of yet another member of this precious second family of mine. This time, however, the loss is more personal. This friend was my invitation into her family -- it was she who first invited me to her home, who first befriended me. She was my big sister too.
I never got as close to her as I did to other family members, but she was always there in my life. Her cards at Christmas, the different talents I had acquired from her capable tuteledge, the love she showed to other members of my family. It will be difficult to be parted from her for the rest of this mortal existence. But I know that she still lives. I know that someday, this beautiful "other family" of mine will be fully reunited. I only hope I can help them as much as they've helped me along life's road.
When that first death occured, so near the beginning of our relationship, I wrote a poem. It is one of those pieces of writing I read over afterwards and felt that someone else must have aided me in holding the pen. I lost it and never shared it. Years later, right before the second death, I found it, and it still held all the meaning it needed. I rededicated it to the grieving couple at that time and sent them a copy. I dedicate it once again to my "adopted" family in hopes that it will bring some comfort and peace.

An Answer

Why her? Why now? Why this? Why us?

Does anyone care? Is anyone there?

Why is this happening?

Our feelings we've shared, our emotions we've bared.

We've tried to be strong. What have we done wrong?

Please help us, dear Father. In Thy name we pray.

Help us, and lead us, and show us the way.

We're listening, we hear, we've always been near.

Dear children, be calm, you've nothing to fear.

It's part of the plan; she's happy, she's safe.

All of us care. Hold on and have faith.

Don't be afraid, when you're feeling low, to let the tears flow.

Stick by each other, as sisters and brothers.

And when you're feeling blue, don't worry -- you'll pull through.

We know what you're feeling. We've been there too.

We're here by your side. We'll lead and we'll guide.

You can't finish until you begin.

You've done nothing wrong, but you still must be strong.

Someday, you'll see her again.

We are your Mother, your Father, your Brother.

Living in Heaven, we watch, day by day.

And together we've weathered the storms.

So together, we'll weather this storm.

In a word ~ Me

2008-02-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

There are three-quarters of a million words in the English language. For some reason, being the perfectionist that I am, I have a very difficult time locating the precise combinations that will give any interested readers insight into who I am. As a disclaimer, I do not use "big words" to pretend that I am extremely intelligent. I simply like to utilize words that are not overused. They "taste" better that way. Words are meant to be tasted and spoken. Some words have flavors that combine in new ways to give readers and speakers alike a clearer overall sense of the beauty that is language.
Now, as to why I am suddenly creating one of these online diaries. For starters, I'm curious. I'm not sure who will read it nor why. I am only me. Am I really that remarkable? Maybe I am. Then again, so is everyone else. We are each a unique specimen of humanity - a special spark created by a loving Father. There is something in each of us that recognizes our divine heritage, whether we are aware of it or not. There are moments in life when we are touched by the world around us - be it a strain of music, a well written phrase, a vibrant vista, or a tender touch. Each of us is part of something greater. As we share ourselves, we must be cautious not to spread too thin. And we must look for the spark of divinity in those around us. As we do, as we learn to recognize the worth of each individual, we get a little closer to the kingdom of our Heavenly Father. And as we serve others, we grow more like Him. May this digital diary serve the purpose of inspiring and uplifting those in need, and of reminding all of us who we really are.

Eternally Optimistic: Our Fairy Tale Life

Ocean Waves

Near and Far

Adjusting the Sails

On Being a Mom and Aspiring Writer

NaNoWriMo - Totally Un-Baby-Related

Leaps and bounds

Real smiles

Surprise! Surprise! - Chapter 1

My Micah Monkey

Labor Pains: Ready, Set, Baby!

The Waiting Game

Is anyone ever really ready for this?

Growing pains

Getting Organized

Little One

Here - Where I want to be

All I really need is a song in my heart...

True love can be a little dizzying,Yet the focuscenters on the twobecoming one.The world disappears into the distanceas two heartscross the space between them.Time runs into the futurecreating a momentthat only they can see.

Prayer... the pathway from despair and stress to beauty and life blessed

Summertime, summertime, sum... sum... summertime!

And They Lived Happily Ever After (or at least, they're working on it)

How He Got Here - The Lost Pages

Setbacks and Faith

At Home Again

Onward, Ever Onward

Like Stones in a River

Patience

Pink

Hope and Strength

Peace and the Priesthood Power

Somehow Surprised

Tranquila

Just Keep Swimming...

The Beginning of Happily Ever After

Living My Own Fairy Tale

On the Right Path

Just in case one wasn't enough

Bits and Pieces

Local Architecture

Impressions and Comparisons

Natural Highs

These are the Days

J-O-Y

Anything virtuous, lovely...

Realizing What Really Matters

On Top of the World

The Winding Road to Somewhere

Stagnant Waters Still Flow

When words don't quite cut it

In a word ~ Me

True love can be a little dizzying,
Yet the focus
centers on the two
becoming one.
The world disappears into the distance
as two hearts
cross the space between them.
Time runs into the future
creating a moment
that only they can see.